Thursday, December 28, 2006

Happy New Year

Radio Question of the Day:

Of all those who work in retail this time of year, 13% of them will be doing this once the shopping season ends. What is it?

Y'all be careful out there. And be nice. Nice is a good thing.


Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

*Seeking therapy for customer-related abuse. Whoa! You guys! Think it over. These people don't make enough money to be abused that hard.

*Source: Com Psych Corporation

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Happy Holidays

Radio Question of the day:
One in five of us do this every day during the Holidays...what is it?


I sincerely hope that all of you have the best of whatever-holiday-it-is-that-you-celebrate!


Answer to the question of the day:

Weigh ourselves.

Just give up and enjoy the holidays. There's all of next year to diet. Just like last year, right?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Still shopping?

Radio Question of the Day:

59% of people do this during their Holiday shopping. What the heck is it?


I'm glad I'm not out shopping. Even the streets around our puny malls are like parking lots. The traffic is so heavy, it looks like California.


Answer to the Radio Questin of the Day:

Bump into another car while backing out of a parking space.

I saw what you did and I'm telling.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Oh, Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree

Radio Question of the Day:
Besides long lines and traveling, this is the # 1 thing Americans say they dread about the holiday season. What is it?

For me it's putting up the Christmas tree. But then I do love having it once it's up and looking all pretty. Until I start dreading taking it down...

Today I finally got the darn thing up and trimmed.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

The office Christmas party.

Huh! I didn't love those in my working days, but they weren't terrible.

That Harvey.

Monday, December 04, 2006

It's dangerous out there

Radio Question of the Day:

Twelve states now offer public school students the option to earn credits in this subject by attending online classes. What is the subject?

I’m getting out of shape ‘cause my walking buddy Irene is remodeling her living room and is getting more exercise than she needs just by stripping wallpaper, sanding, painting, etc. So, we didn’t walk some days last week, and are skipping the first part of this week too.

You’re probably thinking that ol’ TLP could go walking in the mall all on her own. Well, you are so wrong! What if I got lost? What if some handsome knight on a white horse just swept me up and carried me away? Those handsome knights. I dare not go walking alone.

It’s not that I’m too damn lazy to walk and have to have a friend tapping her foot and waiting on me to meet her. Nope. Not that at all. It’s that a big, green, two-headed, three-toed, crossed-eyed, six-clawed, four-horned, orphan-reaping monster sits in front of the garage door and refuses to let me get the car out each morning that Irene isn’t going to meet me. Would I lie?

That wasn’t very nice. What you just said about me. Hrmpf. You bloggers.

Where was I before you guys started callin’ me a lazy ass? Oh, yeah! I was gonna give you the answer to the question of the day.
Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:


Huh??? Well, it turns out that their source was Playboy Magazine. I’m going to say, “Consider the source.” No tellin’ what-all Playboy Magazine considers exercise. Oh! Maybe I shouldn’t poo-poo this idea until I’ve seen the exercise tapes. I should do some research. Any of you ever Google Playboy?

Friday, December 01, 2006

Rabbit Rabbit

It's Rabbit Rabbit time. But I'm not here. I'm over at Bela's Slap of the Day. You should try slappin' someone or something. FUN.

You know the drill. Ya gotta say Rabbit Rabbit on the first of each month. It could keep you off Skid Row. Just sayin'.

And while you're out there Christmas shopping, remember a fool and his bunny are soon parted. Watch your bunny!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Okay. It's my birthday. Wanta make something outta it?

Well, I've had a few. Birthdays that is. I'm offically old.
Oh, wait. There's a chance that I was offically old five years ago. So, let me start over. My being old is old news.
By the way, since my last birthday 31,536,000 seconds have passed.
I hope you used them wisely. Just sayin'.

I think of it as a race. I'm ahead.

Eat my dust.

Enjoy the view.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Get out there and shop

Radio Question of the Day:

Businesses will lose about $17 Billion in productivity because their employees are doing this. What is it?

Well it’s here: The Christmas Shopping Season. I love Christmas decorations and Christmas music. Hate the shopping part. Shopping could be fun, if it weren’t for the other people. Those shoppers. Getting in my way, buying the last of something I wanted, sneezing, touching stuff, etc. They’re gross and they’re everywhere. But you have to get out and shop before all the good stuff is the ads tell me. The appeal of an item seems to be inversely proportional to its attainability.

But we all know that the hard work of shopping today pays off in the end. Laziness pays off now.

Before you go XMAS gathering, you should have a budget for Christmas spending of course. A budget is a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. Everyone should have one.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Online Christmas shopping. Those slacker employees.

But wait! This Billion dollar question assumes that if the employees weren’t shopping online, that they would actually be working and producing something worthwhile. I’m doubtful. But I guess a little inaccuracy can save a lot of explanation. A single fact can spoil a good argument.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy Day

Happy Thanksgiving. Unless you're a native American. Then I guess maybe it didn't work out so well. Those Pilgrims.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Eat up

Radio Question of the Day:

Of all the food in the grocery store, this is the most profitable. What is it?


I spent well over an hour at the market yesterday. I had two carts full of stuff, and saved a little over $40 using coupons. I hate coupons, but they do save bucks.

I was so pleased with myself that I went shopping and bought my next birthday present which will be from my husband, and also the Christmas gift that he will be giving me. I haven't mentioned it yet 'cause I figure one of us should be surprised on my birthday and Christmas. Niks has given me some awful shit for presents. That Niks. He likes to buy me clothes. Gag me with a spoon. Choke me with a bent fork. We're talkin' some seriously fugly stuff.
Just sayin'.


Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Dog food.
What? Are dogs the other red meat?

People shouldn't think of dogs as food. Although I guess a puppy is a sort of baby food. Mmmmmm....have to think about it.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Nothing at all

Radio Question of the Day:

One in 50 of these are fake...but almost everyone has had at least one real one... What are they? That Disk Jockey!

I don't make these up folks. Honest.


Anwer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Doctors .
One in 50, huh? That's too many for comfort.

Friday, November 10, 2006

PG 21 post

If you are under 18 and a granddaughter of mine, just go away NOW. Don't read this. Anyway, it's your mother's fault. Or somebody else's fault. Not mine.

Radio Question of the Day:

59% of women recently surveyed say they are in pain because of their... what?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Answer to the radio question of the day:
Their bra. Oh, yeah. That.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Ding Dong the witch is gone!

We have defeated the ugly Santorum in PA! Most excellent!!!!
He has said that if gay marriage is okay, then of course people can marry their dogs, etc.

And apparently, there's something to that:

Monday, November 06, 2006

Never too much Maxine

Radio Question of the Day:
37% of homeowners have one of these and don't realize it. What is it?

As Maxine would say, Get the hell out and vote! It's obvious that the smart people must have stayed home during the last several elections. So if you think you're so smart, VOTE, damnitall.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

An unopened box from their last move. Those dummies.

That ain't so smart....maybe you shouldn't vote.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


Peter, I don't think we're in Kansas any more.

Radio Question of the Day:
94% of men say they can do this, but only 84% really can... What is it?

Is it really NOVEMBER already?

You all know that you have to say "Rabbit rabbit!" on the first of the month, or be doomed to bad luck for the rest of the month.
So open up and say it!

If you forget, you can say, "tibbar tibbar," or "oh, fart!" Whatever.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Change the oil in their car. Those men. I can think of a few more things too....

Happy Birthday Bonnie.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

It's Halloweeeeeeen

Please celebrate responsibly.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Happy Birthday AP3


Happy Birthday to my youngest child, AP3. She's sweet, pretty, smart, and hard-working. Also nice. I like her a little bit, as you can see.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

But I don't wanna!

Radio Question of the day:

Coffee is the world's most recognized scent. What is second?

I like Daylight Savings Time. I don't wanna change back. But do they ask for my opinion? Noooooo.

It's not just every freakin' clock in the house, it's the clocks in the cars too. I hate that.

Answer to the radio question of the day:

Peanut butter. Oh, right. I believe that.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Kites and stuff

Radio Question of the Day:

According to a study, male compulsive shoppers are more likely to become addicted to this than female compulsive shoppers. What is it?


After our trip to Ocean City, MD I was going to post a picture or two, but blogger wouldn’t cooperate. So I thought that I would try again.

There was a kite festival going on while we were there. The Kite Loft always has great kites flying, but I never before saw so many at the same time. Some of these kites were huge. HUGE. If you look closely you can see people on the beach, which will give you an idea of the size of the kites. (If you click on the Kite Loft link you can watch a web cam of OC.)

I’ve never successfully flown a kite in my life. I have one in the trunk of my car that my walking buddy Irene gave me. Every once in a while we try to see if I can get it to fly. Never happens.


Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:


A female friend of my friend Patti once bought a chicken farm at an auction. I am not joking. Jane did not have her husband’s approval to do that, and she said that she never had any intention of buying a farm. She was driving along, saw the auction, and stopped to watch. She just got carried away in the moment.

I think she almost bought the farm when she told her husband. They had to hire a lawyer to get out of that mess, and it cost them a bundle.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

As close to nothing as you can get

Radio Question of the Day:

You can't really tell by looking at it, but the average one is 44 inches long...
What is it?
Well, I already know what it’s not.


Have you ever heard of It’s pretty neat! My recent visitor has a ham radio in her van and she told me how I can track her across the country. A person can go to, and click on “Position Reports,” and if you know the code for a person’s vehicle, you can type it in there (just replace the number that is already listed in the address bar) and then enter, and it will give you a map that shows you right where your friend is. Currently it shows me that Bindy is “1.2 miles northwest of Detroit, MI --- Report received 1 hours 20 minutes 16 seconds ago Altitude: 619 feet.” Right now she’s on Interstate 75. I find this system just amazing. Nice to know that she’s a safe distance away.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

A coat hanger.

Jeez. That’s such a boring answer I’m going to give you another answer to a radio question: 7/7/07.

So what was the question?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Alone at Last

Radio Question of the Day:

A new survey found that these are now the three words most women want to hear the most... What are they?


Well, my Mormon guest has left. That Bindy. I wouldn't know where to start telling you about the visit. Aren't you lucky?

I went to church with her. Their Sunday morning services last three hours. Three hours. I was numb. And I'm not just talkin' 'bout my butt. The services are broken up however. One hour in the chapel, second hour in Sunday School and I forget what-the-heck they call the third hour, but for that session the men and women are separate.

All I'm doing today is finishing up the painting I'm doing at my church. Then I have to get busy quilting the church banner that daughter 3D and I did. At the same time I have to work on the preparations for our church auction. I'm in charge of the food for that. A day of rest. And after Bindy, it is a day of rest.

Anybody ever notice how much time this non-believer spends in church? That Lucy.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

"You've lost weight!" Haven't heard that in a while.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Blog Joke Day

Peter has declared Friday the 13th to be “Blog Joke Day.”
His idea was to pick a joke which everybody publishes on Friday the 13th, along with their own joke. He decided to kick it off with an elephant joke, but since those were popular a long time ago and some younger bloggers may not know about elephant jokes, we’re allowed to substitute Blonde jokes.

Peter’s Blonde Joke
A blind man and his guide elephant enter a bar and find their way to a stool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the man yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?”
The bar falls quiet. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a *1.82 tall, 90kg blonde with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and she’s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and she’s a pro-wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister, you still wanna tell that joke?”

The man says; “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

*Peter lives in Australia.

My Blonde Joke

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working out for you?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you suppose that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
That psychiatrist. It's obvious that the zip code problem is the reason for the lack of mail. What is he thinkin'? Here he's a doctor, and a blonde is smarter than he is.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Somebody's knockin' at my door

We get a fair amount of overnight company. Mostly that's wonderful. Then again...

Last night the phone rang and Niks answered it. He said later that the voice on the phone said, "Hi Uncle Niks, it's Bobby." Niks greeted him warmly, and after a while said, "I'll check the calendar. Talk to your Aunt Lucy while I do that."
That Niks. He's always handin' off the phone to me.

Anyway I talk to Bobby and get more and more confused. Both Niks and I thought we were talking to my sister Bonnie's son Bobby, but we were talking to Niks' brother Bob's son Bobby. Both Bobbys are southern boys. We haven't seen this nephew Bobby in a coon's age. But he's coming on Wednesday. And I'm sure that we will enjoy him.

Bobby is lucky that he will leave right before our next company arrives. Mormon missionaries. Yep. It's kinda a long story. I have a good friend Lois, who has a daughter named Bindy. Bindy became a Mormon years and years ago. Not just any ol' Mormon. A MORMON. One who saves folks. Bindy and I always got along well for some strange reason. She lives in CA, as does Lois. Anyhoo, Bindy and two female (of course) companions are on a mission all across the country, saving folks all over the place, and are detouring to visit us.

I've known about this visit for a while, and when I tell people that three missionaries are coming to stay with us, I always add, "Pray for me." Y'all know what a big old sinner I am and all, so this is going to be a tiny bit of a strain for me. In fact it could be every bit as stressful as growing out your bangs.

BUT, I should have been more specific about the praying stuff. 'Cause somebody prayed too damn hard. Kay, one of the missionaries, had to travel home on accounta her mother got very ill. And the other companion went back with her so she wouldn't be alone. So, Bindy will be visiting us by herself. It's okay for them to leave Bindy alone. No one in their right mind messes with Bindy.

Now I will have just one Mormom missionary, and she knows me well enough not to try to save me. Not too many people mess with me either.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Back on line at last

I’ve been gone so long, I’m gonna give you three Radio Questions of the day:

Question one:
On average, 80 people take a shot at these each year. What the heck is it?

Question two:
Most everyone enjoys these, but 21% of us refuse to eat them. What are they?

Question three:
The Number-One lunch meat for kids in the U.S. is bologna. What is the Number-One lunch meat in Japan?

I missed being on line so badly that I’m seriously worried about myself. How did I ever live without the internet? I'm not a well person.

How does that game go? You make signs with your hands somehow. Let's see now, email beats fax, fax beats paper, and paper beats smoke signals. Something like that? The internet beats everything.


Answer to question one:
The Goodyear Blimps. Those hunters. Some of y’all must need glasses.

Answer to Question two:
Fortune cookies. Can I have yours? I like’m.

Answer to question three:
Whale meat. You can have mine. See how sweet I am?

Friday, October 06, 2006

A Program Note . . .

TanLucyPez's computer is broken again. AOL was supposed to get a new modem to her by now. She is very unhappy. She has visited my house a couple of times to use my PC.

She will post as soon as she is able.

We now return you to your regular blogs.

~ dddragon

Monday, September 25, 2006

We're ba-a-a-accccck

Radio Question of the Day:

Dads do this in regard to their children 3 times more often than mothers do. What is it?


We're back from the shore. We had a great time. Everything went well, and the weather was great. There was a kite fest going on, and the Sunfest was held while we were there also. *I took pictures, but can't post them right now. The Sunfest is an Arts and Crafts show, with mega-food and musical entertainment as well. All in all, very good trip. To top it off, we got 53 miles per gallon in our Civic Honda Hybrid on the trip. We have gotten as high as 57 MPG on a trip, but 53 MPG is nice.

*My PC modem is shot and I am awaiting a new one (might be 5 days) so I can't read your blogs. Sigh. Right now I'm at 3D's using her PC. She's not here, so I'm taking this opportunity to mess up her house. heh heh heh. As if.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Forget to pick up the kids from school. Those dads.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Goin' to the beach

My husband Niks and I are going to Ocean City Maryland tomorrow morning and will be gone for a week. We used to go to OC every year with the kids. I have such fond memories of it. We'd go to ZIPS where they had make-your-own sundaes, play miniature golf, go to the carnival end of the pier and ride rides, and search all week for the perfect tee-shirt. OH! And we'd have an old-timey photo taken every year. Some of those are so funny! One year we girls got Niks to dress up as a gangster moll, and we dressed as the gangster guys. Our son Nivek was not amused. That Nivek. Kinda a macho guy even as a kid.

In June 2005 when my sister Bonnie visited us, we took her for a couple of days to Ocean City. She had never been to the Atlantic Ocean before. She loved it. That Bonnie. She loved everything. She had been to the Pacific Ocean, and had in fact lived and worked on Catalina Island one summer when she was 18. But she had never seen a boardwalk before. I'm glad she came to visit, and I'm very glad that I took her so many places. She died suddenly February 12, 2006.

Niks and I will have an ocean front suite with a baloney and all kinds of special stuff, so if the weather isn't great, we don't have to care.

See you guys when I get back! Try not to be rowdy while I'm gone.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Real Men

Radio Question of the Day:

Eight per cent of men have done this, but they don't want their buddies to know.
What is it?

Answer to the question of the day:

Painted their wife's toe nails.
Not their girl friend’s toenails? You men.

I knew that real men wore makeup. I see it on soldiers and football players.

Happy weekend folks.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Say what????

This ad was in a magazine that I was reading. If you can't read the part above the spice tin, this is what it says: Okay, it doesn't say anything, you have to read it. Smart asses. It reads as follows: Except for black pepper, McCormick spices in rectangular tins are at least 15 years old. Holy cow. I checked my spices. I had 7 rectangular tins of McCormick spices. Well, sh*t fire and save the matches.

I’m so dumb. This brings up another buncha stuff I don’t know about.

Such as, can you cry underwater?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no human being would eat? Why does the setting go that high?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? I vote yes.

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Did you just try singing the two songs above? You guys.

Do you ever wonder why you read anything I post in the first place?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

September 11

I thought that I had seen and heard all I could stand to see and hear about September 11, 2001. But I just saw an amazing documentary about it. It begins with a quest to follow a rookie firefighter during his probationary period as a new fireman. The quest resulted in the only known video of the first plane striking the World Trade Center.

I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was filmed by brothers Jules and Gedeon Naudet. Jules was with the firemen inside Tower One when Tower Two collapsed. I’ve never seen anything like this before.

You think you have seen and heard it all about the events of September 11. The planes hitting the Twin Towers, people standing shocked in the streets, firemen rushing into the buildings, the two collapses, the dust, the confusion. You’ve seen it all so often on television that they no longer retain the power to shock you.

But if you watched this 9/11 documentary, you heard the sound of people striking the sidewalk outside Tower One. The firemen couldn’t use the closest door to them to evacuate because it wasn’t safe. It wasn’t safe because of bodies falling outside. This film is different from what you have seen before. If you get a chance to see this documentary, you should do it.

We all remember where we were when we got the news about the attacks. Exactly what we were doing when we heard. I was thinking about my Mama that morning. September 11, 2001 was the first birthday she missed. She would have been 92 that day, but she had died in February. I guess I’m kinda glad she didn’t have to see what happened that day.

Monday, September 04, 2006


Question of the Day:
What are two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder?
Some of y’all know that I was born and raised in the south. Yesterday in church, my mind was wandering. (Yes, yes, I know. It’s such a little thing I shouldn’t let it off on its own.) I was thinking back to my childhood church days. I was reared in a fundamentalist Christian Church. Kinda a redneck place. How do you know if your church is redneck?

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch'em. (Actually I’d want to know are they fried or what? I mean, I don’t eat fried stuff anymore.)

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation
of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Bubbas Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..."Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too. Well doh!

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if..the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah".
Answer to the Question of the Day:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Raining Cats and Dogs

Well, I love a rainy day. Sometimes. And this is an okay time. I'm sorry for all the folks who had an outdoor event planned, but at least they had lots of advance warning about the weather. We actually do need the rain, and there' nothin' we can do about it anyway. So, it's okay for me to enjoy it. Right?

Happy weekend folks!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Rabbit Rabbit

It's the first of the month! September at last. My favorite month. Time to say RABBIT RABBIT!

But it's supposed to rain the whole weekend. I'm bummed about that. Luckily I'm adorable when I pout.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Bad Jokes

Radio Question of the day:

According to a popular men's magazine, 52% of guys spend less than one minute doing what?

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who divide the world into 2 kinds of people, and those who don't. I’m one of those two kinds. How ‘bout you?

What’s 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Give up?

Line dancing at the nursing home.

Bad enough? How about what’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Don’t know?

Kids won’t eat broccoli.

Why do blonde nurses carry red pens? Easy. So they can draw blood. Those blondes.

What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common?

So obvious: Their middle name.

Bad jokes, lord I love’m. Bad jokes, cain’t get enough of’em.

That’s why I listen to Prairie Home Companion on PBS. They did a special joke show this past weekend.

They told bad jokes like the ones above, and the ones below:

News Flash! Energizer Bunny charged with battery!

I hate to say this but your girl friend looks like a monkey. True, but she's the gorrilla my dreams.

You know why they named "Beano" "BEANO?"

Because "WINDEX" was already taken.

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, I work down the street at the pickle processing plant and lately I've developed this almost uncontrollable urge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer."

The doctor says, "This is quite serious, we must get you into counseling immediately!"

Every day for two weeks, the two meet until the psychiatrist finally feels that his patient has mastered his compulsion to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.

A few days pass and the doctor receives a phone call from the pickle plant worker. The man is extremely upset and there are sounds of commotion in the background. "Doc, I'm so sorry. I really thought you’d cured me, but today here at work, that old feeling came back and I just couldn't control myself and, yes, I stuck my penis in the pickle slicer. This so terrible -- they fired me and I let you down."

"Don't worry about that," replies the doctor, "what happened with, er…, you know, the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, they fired her, too."
Answer to the radio question of the day:
Deciding what to wear.

Huh! About 75 percent of you guys look that way.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Happy Birthday 3D!

August 29th is the birthday of my daughter 3D. She's smart, sweet, and a true friend. Also very busy.

She was my first born. And she made me a grandmother. Twin girls. Grandma heaven.

Happy birthday dddragon!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Free classes for men

Radio Question of the Day:

Name the "rock group" that has four members, all of whom are dead, one of whom was assassinated...

As usual I have absolutely nothin’ to say. So, I’ll say it anyway. I’ve been reading instead of doing lots of stuff I should be doing. Friend of mine said I should get my husband Niks to do the housework. That Irene. As if. (I know that there are lots of men who do some work around the house, but I didn’t marry one of those. Let’s make that SOME men who do housework. Not LOTS.)

So, Irene offered up some classes Niks could take in order for the old dog to learn some new tricks:

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step,
with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours.

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of
Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

After Dinner Dishes: Can They Levitate and Fly Into
The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM

Loss Of Identity - Losing The Remote To Your
Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Learning How To Find Things - Starting With Looking
In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful
To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She
Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother
and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing ..
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering
Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and
Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Answer to the Radio Question of the day:

Mount Rushmore

How droll: a rock structure...four dead guys...I get it.
Those radio guys.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

A very merry unbirthday to you

I don't know all the birthdays out there, but I'm gonna cover you all with this post.

A very merry unbirthday
To me
To who?
To me
Oh, you

A very merry unbirthday
To you
Who, me?
To you
Oh, me

Let's all congrulate us with another cup of tea
A very merry unbirthday to you

Now statistics prove
Prove that you've one birthday
Imagine just one birthday every year
Ah, but there are 364 unbirthdays
Precisely why we're gathered here to cheer

A very merry unbirthday
To me?
To you
A very merry unbirthday
For me?
For you

Now blow the candle out, my dear
And make your wish come true
A very merry unbirthday to you

(Lyrics: Robert B. Sherman)

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Happy Birthday to Acton Bell

A toast to my daughter, Acton Bell, who turns 43 today. She's sweet, pretty and smart. Also refined.

She loves beer and she loves to run. So she's at the shore now, drinkin' and runnin'.

Happy Birthday girlie!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Gimme five!

Rabbit rabbit! Good luck in August.

Hoss has awarded me with a "Perfect Post Award" for July! He's so sweet. Bless his heart.

It was for my toilet post. But I'm not flushin'. Hoss is the funniest blogger in the world. He would write Bl*gger. We don't use the "B" word at his place.

Go check'em out. But y'all come back now. Y'hear?

Monday, July 31, 2006

Thinkin' 'bout things

We always called my mother “Mama.” I can’t imagine calling one’s mother, “mother.” That always sounded cold to me.

The women of my childhood who were called “Mother” by their kids were the kind of women who were a little uppity in my child’s eye. They were the kind of women who looked like Beaver Cleaver’s Mother. Not my Mama.

Mama was a scrappy little midget. I was as tall as she was by the time I was ten. She wasn’t what she would have called “tray chick” at all. Bless her heart. ( Southern women say, “Bless her heart,” about every other sentence.) Mama wore her hose rolled down to her ankles when no one was visiting. Don’t even pretend you know what I mean when I say that.

Mama wore housedresses (is that still a word?) all the time when she was at home, and stockings with garters. Panty hose had not been invented. To save the nylons from getting runs, and I guess the garters were uncomfortable, she rolled her garters down and ended up with stockings on her feet with little donut-stocking covered ankles. That Mama. Pretty silly looking. Bless her heart.

When folks were visiting and then they left, the last thing Mama would say to them as they drove off is, “Y’all come.” Sometimes it was, “Y’all come, ya hear?” Even if it was just one person who was leaving. Damnyankees misunderstand that. They think that southerners say “y’all” to just one person. But it always means “all of you.” So when Mama said “y’all come” she was saying, “I hope you and your family come to see us.” The “You hear,” part is just added emphasis meaning, “I really mean it.”

How ‘bout calling your father, “Father?” I never knew anyone who called their daddy, “Father.” We called our father, “Daddy.” Women in the south when I was comin’ up would refer to their husbands as, “the children’s father.” Actually the lesser-educated ones would say, “my baby’s daddy.” Mind you, these women were married to their baby’s daddy.

When you call kids to dinner in the north they’ll yell, “Just a minute!” We answered a call to come with, “drect-ly.” One day in the seventh grade a boy named Paul turned to me and said, “Did you know that “drect-ly” is really the word “directly”? I told him, “Nope. Who’dthunkit?” It was a revelation to me. We had been saying to our mothers “I will be there directly,” when we said drect-ly. I always thought it meant, “Yeah, yeah. I hear ya.”

Well, I’m done with thinkin’ about my childhood in the south. I’m fixin’ to go to bed now.

Y’all come back now. Ya hear?
Bless your hearts.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Happy Birthday to Our Grandtwins!

Happy 16th birthday to our darling granddaughters!

They can now learn to drive. Yea! Oh! Wait....

Monday, July 10, 2006

Don't Get Me Started

I told Sar of Belle of the Brawl not to get me started on public restrooms, but she did anyway. Why the hell do they call them REST rooms? They aren't restful at all!

You know when you have to visit a public women's restroom, you usually find a line of ladies, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, and you actually get inside the darn door to the place, you check for feet under the stall doors. Yep. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. WTF? It doesn't matter. You gotta go.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mama,no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your darn neck, (My Mama would turn over in her grave if I put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." If you're female, you know the drill.

In this position our aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mama's voice saying, "Well, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. That Mama. The older I get, the smarter my Mama seems.

You remember the tiny Kleenex that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. Someone whose Mama didn't teach them to check for feet under the door. Those unfit Mamas. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping that precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down plop onto the dreaded TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. Those other women!

You shoot straight up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

Mama would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, I'm positive, absolutely certain, that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, "You can catch all kinds of horrible, ugly, disgusting diseases from a public toilet." (Mama always screwed up her face real good when she said this.)

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up. What's the point of pretending?

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, or probably they're broken, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel, if there are any towels. Which there probably aren't. Sometimes there's a drinking fountain outside that you can wet your hands on.

As you leave the facility, a kind soul at the end of the line waiting to use the bathroom tells you that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her sweetly, "Here, you just might need this." No one tells you that you purse looks nice hanging around your neck like that but finally you notice it as you're walking around feeling dirty.

See guys? This is why women go to the bathroom in pairs.

It's so you have a friend to hold the damn door that won't lock, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy Birthday America

Not perfect, but a work in progress.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Rabbit Rabbit ...It's July

Rabbit rabbit! It's July 1 already! Amazing.

The rabbits in these parts have needed umbrellas, but it has finally stopped raining. Best of all, they have canceled the "boil water" directive.

Happy first of July to you all.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Bad jokes

Radio Question of the Day:
77% of single men go a month or more without doing this. What is it?


Didcha see the movie A Prairie Home Companion? Do you listen to A Prairie Home Companion on PBS Radio? I love it. If you don’t listen to the radio show, then I’m afraid the movie probably isn’t for you—it might not make any sense to you. But if you like the radio show, you’ll like the movie.

It’s got everybody in it: Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Kevin Kline, Woody Harrelson, John C. Reilly, Tommy Lee Jones, Lindsay Lohan, and of course Garrison Keillor. Maya Rudolph and Virginia Madsen are also in it and they are very good. I’d never heard of either of them before.

Harrelson and Reilly steal the show as far as I’m concerned. Normally I’m not a Woody Harrelson fan, but he’s just right in this. John C. Reilly is a favorite of mine.

I especially liked their singing the song, “Bad Jokes.”
They sing: “Bad jokes, lord I love’em,
bad jokes, caint get enough of’em,
oooh ooh woo wee, Bad Jokes for me....”
Then they tell a corny joke and sing some more, puttin’ in corny, mostly off-color jokes as they go.

Jokes like:

“The blind man’s seein’-eye dog pissed on the blind man’s shoe.
The blind man said, ‘Here Rover, here’s a piece of beef for you.’
His wife said, ‘Don’t reward him, you can’t just let that pass,’
The blind man said, ‘I gotta find his mouth
so I can kick him in the ass.’”

Stupid, corny jokes. Bad jokes. Apparently, I can’t get enough of’em.

This one sure fits the bill:

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his best friend Bubba driving a brand new pickup truck.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin as Jimmy Joe asked, "Bubba, where'd you get that new truck?!?"
Bubba answered, "My gal Bobby Sue gave it to me for a graduation present!"
Jimmy Joe replied, "I knew she was kinda sweet on you, but a new truck for graduation?!"
Bubba answered, "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. Graduation night we were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all of her clothes and said,
'Bubba, it's our graduation night! Take whatever you want!' So I took the truck!"
Jimmy Joe said, "Bubba, you're one smart man! Bobby Sue's clothes never would have fit you!" That Jimmy Joe.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Cleaning the bathroom.

Oh? And single men differ in this respect from married men, how?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Real Men

Radio Question of the Day:

65% of fathers refuse to allow their children to touch this. What is it?

This morning on the radio I learned that the metrosexual is OUT. Those guys. OUT. Real men are back "in." Well! Doesn’t that just frost your cookie?

I looked up the real, official definition of metrosexual. Here it is.
Metrosexual (met.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle.

That’s as opposed to a real man, who spends his time and money being all stressed out with no one to choke.

Hollywood is full of the metrosexual guys. So now, they’re not going to eat quiche or wear salmon-colored dress shirts? They won’t be getting pedicures and manicures and strut their stuff like peacocks? They’ll stop getting their hair highlighted and going to tanning salons? Do I believe that?

A metro-man is a straight guy who uses at least three different hair products, loves clothes and shopping for them. He’s romantic and sensitive. The kinda guy that makes you wonder, “Is he gay, or is he just British?” He’s got money to spend and he prefers to live in a big city. Duh. That’s where all the best shops are. Plus gyms and good hairdressers. Someone said that a metrosexual is a clotheshorse wrapped around a dandy fused with a narcissist.

I don’t want to be too judgmental ‘cause I don’t actually know a metrosexual. I wouldn’t mind if my husband gave up some of his 23-year-old shirts. Lots of men are in a time warp as far as clothes are concerned. But I’m glad he doesn’t use makeup and do stuff like that.

But now “real men” are back! Is this a good thing? If it means that baseball players will wear fewer necklaces, I’m all for it.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

The thermostat.
It takes a real man to take control of the thermostat. And the remote control. Oh. Wait. That’s all men. You guys.

Monday, June 19, 2006


Radio Question of the Day:

According to a popular men's magazine, the average man will do this only six times this year... What is it?


At my house we seem to use any and every "holiday" as an excuse to overeat. Take Father's Day for example. We overate. We also overfed everyone else who would let us. That TLP. Food pusher.


Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Go to the movies. My husband Niks is far above average.