Monday, September 04, 2006

Church



Question of the Day:
What are two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder?
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Some of y’all know that I was born and raised in the south. Yesterday in church, my mind was wandering. (Yes, yes, I know. It’s such a little thing I shouldn’t let it off on its own.) I was thinking back to my childhood church days. I was reared in a fundamentalist Christian Church. Kinda a redneck place. How do you know if your church is redneck?

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch'em. (Actually I’d want to know are they fried or what? I mean, I don’t eat fried stuff anymore.)

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation
of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Bubbas Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..."Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too. Well doh!

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if..the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah".
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Answer to the Question of the Day:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

16 comments:

kenju said...

I'd seen the list before, but not the joke. Teehee.

Jamie Dawn said...

Oh dear, this is just WAY too close to being like the churches here in AR.
We've got some real funny characers here. My kids do impersonations of some of the people in the church we've been attending here in AR.
The joke is also clearly based on truth!!

Happy Labor Day holiday. Get some rest and eat something fattening.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Maybe them fish were brim! Or crappie! Jesus would never fish for a bottom feeder.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Damn (again)! My guess was:

The coroner couldn't figure out who was dead. So now I am 31-1.

When I was a mere stripling, my Saturday bath was in a galvanized tub. But baptism was in the Deschutes River.

Peter said...

What a hoot Lucy, keep an eye out for a rerun of these in a few months time.

AP3 said...

LOL

Great post

love the cartoon and all the jokes!

Minka said...

It is need learnign about American culture. I understand some jokes better now. Redneck culture is fascinatingly simple :)

Anonymous said...

Okay, I live in East Tennessee and I don't care who you are, that was funny!

Pavel (http://tobeperfectlyclear.blogspot.com)

actonbell said...

heh, pretty funny. Ya shouldn't go 'round usin' big words like chandelier, anyway. All hoity-toity.

Hope you had a nice Labor Day:)

lime said...

LOL!!!!!!!!! hilarious! i had to laugh at the 'bubba' comment. our former head eeacon was named bubba. bwahahahaha. i must be in a redneck church!

Doug said...

You can also tell you're in a redneck church if...

...The game is on the big screen behind the pulpit.

...The coffee fellowship is donated by Hooters.

...The stained glass window shows Jeff Gordon tempting Eve with an apple and Jesus wearing number 3.

...Palm Sunday is celebrated by everyone washing their hands.

...The chapel roof says "Try Mail Pouch Tobacco."

Rachel said...

LMBO!!! Very funny list TLP!! I must say that our church is definitely not red neck! Whew!!!

I loved the answer to the question!!

Libby said...

oh, lucy, this blog is ALWAYS the highlight of my day when i want a laugh!! thank you!!

neva said...

TLP i am laughing and laughing and laughing. then, after reading Doug's addendum, i'm laughing some *more*!

thanks for the funny *and* the funnies! xoxo

Mindless Dribbler said...

HA HA HA...you makin fun of me TLP?? ;)

Fred said...

I should be going to church. I guess I'm missing a good time.