Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Nothing at all

Radio question of the day:

Which is Africa's most populous nation?
Which is its largest by size?
Which of its nations has the largest economy?

Huh? Like we care! We're Americans damnitall! We don't gotta care 'bout nowheres else. Hrmpf.


It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are drinkin' a lotta shit! Actual poop.

But, we do not run that risk when drinking wine because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

So, it's better to drink wine and stuff and talk shit, than to drink water and be full of shit. Just sayin'.

(No need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service.)

In other news: Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. It also gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," and "highballs." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name Mount and Do.


Nigeria is Africa's most populous nation. Sudan is largest by area. South Africa has the largest economy by far. As if you care. You guys. Shallow.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

You've probably seen this before. So why are you here anyhoo? There's never nothin' of importance on this site!

Good : Your wife is pregnant.

Bad : It's triplets.

Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you

Bad : She wants a divorce.

Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad : He's involved with the women next door.

Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly : You're in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

: You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.

Bad : He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.

Bad : She keeps interrupting.

Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.

Not so good : It's another man.

Kinda Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.

Bad : As a hooker.

Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.

Way Ugly : She makes more money than you do.

Thursday, May 25, 2006


It seems I have a couple of lurkers out there. Who knew? Not me. I lurk on blogs myself, so it shouldn't have been a big surprise.

One of these lurkers e-mailed me a meme. I got nothin' else to say, so I figured I do this meme. Here goes.

Does your mate annoy you without realizing it? How do you bring it to his attention?

Hoo Boy! Does he ever! I usually hit him over the head with a skillet. I don't cook much, so this is a good use for the skillet.

What was your first impression upon meeting your mate? Has that impression changed?

The first time I ever saw Niks, he was sitting at his desk in his office, wearing a red leather cap. That Niks. This was a protest about the air conditioning blowing on his head. He's been bald since he was in his early twenties, so he is sensitive to air blowing on his head. I thought he was a NUT. Now, I realize that he is a cross between a bird and a nut. A sweet bird and a nutty nut.

Does your mate do anything that embarrasses you? What?

You're kidding. Right? Of course he does. That's what husbands do. What? I don't know where to start. I'll just list one: he undoes his pants when he eats to allow for the expanding belly. No matter where he is. That guy.

Would you ever go to an all-nude beach?

What? I thought this was all about my mate! Hrumpf. Okay. Sure. I'd go to an all-nude beach. Would I strip myself? You know what? Yes, I would. When I was young and had a nice body, the answer would have been "no." Now I'm old, and if the other nudes were not people I would see again, I would be okay with being naked. But I wouldn't do it in front of folks that I know.

Monday, May 22, 2006

If it's May, it must be Church Yard Sale time.

Radio question of the day:

The number one cause of fist fights in America is over a woman. What is the number two cause?

Well once again it’s the dreaded Church-Yard-Sale time of year. My church has had a yard sale for the last 15 years, and I’ve been involved every year. For many of those years I was in charge of it. The last couple of years I’ve been “assisting,” which turns out to be even more work. Hard work. You know, “they” lied. Hard work has killed lots of people.

But I’m like the president of our great country. I’m stayin’ the course with the church yard sale stuff. You know, STAY THE COURSE: Say and do the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.

At least working for two weeks at the church sorting and pricing old junk does keep me from eating all the time. Seems like food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can’t even get into my own pants.

My church is Unitarian-Universalist, as most of you know. This past Sunday I was thinkin’ that the reason we Unitarians don’t sing so hot is that we’re always reading ahead to see if we agree with the next verse. If folks don’t agree with it, they just sing whatever. Those U-U's.

The yard sale is one of the dumbest things I do. Well, of course, it’s not as dumb as pick up the feces of a lesser mammal for a living. And half of you do that for free. You guys. Havin’ pets always sounds like it’s lots of fun, but it really follows the Gold Standard 80/20 rule of life. You know, the rule that says that 80 percent of everything in life is bad, and 20 percent is good. In the case of pets, the 20 percent is the free dog or cat hair so you can knit yourself a sweater or somethin’, and the 80 percent is poop.


Answer to the radio question of the day: Parking spaces.

That’s more like it. Parking spaces are harder to find that women.