Thursday, March 30, 2006

I got stuff to do today, so I'm not posting. Not that I post most days, just sayin'.

Anyhoo, I'm giving you two Radio Questions of the day for the price of one here. So, let's see now, two times nothin' is nothin'. So get your checks in the mail, payable to ol' Lucy here.

First Radio Question of the day:

Only California and France have laws that prohibit anyone under 18 from using these... What are they?

Second Radio Question of the day:

This is the # 1 phrase guys use to break up with women... What is it?

Answer to the first Radio Question of the day:

Tanning beds

So that's why teenagers have to grease themselves up like a doctor's finger for a rectal exam and lie out in the real sun.

Answer to the second Radio Question of the day:

"I think of you like a sister."

Ah, you're into incest? 'Cause I imagine that you've been screwing your girlfriend for a while now.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Do you smell bacon burning?

Radio question of the day:

Saddam Hussein was the # 2 celebrity that people said they would NOT want to go camping with. Who was # 1?

Wait! WAIT! Saddam Hussein is a celebrity? That Saddam. Here I thought he was just a big jerk. Sadistic, murdering jerk, yeah, and well, yes, infamous, but a celebrity? Huh! I'm so behind the times.

I keep waiting for this darn radio show to ask important questions, like maybe, "Why does asparagus make my pee stink?" That would be useful information to hear in the morning.

Or maybe, you older folks remember how we used to get all greased up like a rectal thermometer and sunbathe? Well, the question could be "Why did girls used to combine baby oil with iodine to get a tan?" What was up with that? I dunno, but maybe somebody out there would call in with the answer.

I'd also like to know if Davy Crockett really wore coonskin caps. Are there photos?

I finally figured out why waiters give you their first names: It's in case you have to file a missing person's report a few hours later. Niks and I have had a couple of bad experiences lately on that. So if that's ever the question of the day, I'm the winner for sure.

Another good question would be, why is it when these mountain climbers get frostbite on their extremities, all that's talked about is fingers and toes? Isn't there anything else that is kinda like a digit and kinda exposed all by its lonesome that gets cold and maybe frostbitten? Is that why people say: "Bite me?" You think I've got a weird mind for wanting to know? Well, excuuuuuuse ME. I was just askin'.

Answer to the radio question of the day:

A: Tom Cruise

Now, that's just harsh.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Exam time

Radio question of the day:

Last year, Americans spent 217 million dollars on these... What is it?


It's that time of year for all you senior citizens to take the Senior Citizen Test. The rest of you can try these to see if you're smart enough to be a senior too. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying, "If you don't use it, you'll lose it" also applies to the brain, so... below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Anyhoo, take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.

OK - relax - clear your mind and... begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question Two.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????

If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Answer to the question of the day:

Ring tones for our cell phones.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Radio question of the day:

One in 10 of us could find this in our car right now, if we went looking for it.


I haven't felt like blogging. 'Course I figured that the earth would go into a holding pattern if I didn't blog. Hrmpf. The blogging world went on just fine without me. Those bloggers. Gotta admire them. Chin up and all that rot.


Answer to the radio question of the day:

A French Fry

Not in my car. If I thought there was a french fry somewhere in there, I'd have found it and eaten it by now.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Miles to go before I sleep

Radio question of the day: You probably touch it...sometimes other people touch it...but be careful; if you touch it too much, you'll wear it out. What is it?


I'm retired, so even if I do nothin' all day, I still get paid. I'm lovin' it.

But I'm busy anyway. This week I will baby-sit an Alzheimer's patient (I should say victim),drive a chemo patient to her treatments, volunteer at the Food Pantry, and also give blood at the Blood Bank.

But I get to do fun stuff this week too: I'll meet with my craft-group buddies for dinner, and with some former co-workers for lunch. I'll meet up with a friend for coffee and conversation, and then go to dinner with another former co-worker. My life is full and sweet. No complaints.


Answer to the radio question of the day: A computer mouse

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

And the winner is....

Those Oscars aren't all that. The really important awards are for best husband.

Third place goes to Serbia.

Second place goes to Greece.

And the winner is Ireland. Those Irish! Real men.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

The sun came out. Me too.

Radio question of the day:

This common product can be found in most homes, often contains four or five chemicals the EPA calls potentially harmful. An "empty" 55-gallon drum that contained it would have to be taken to the nearest state-regulated commercial hazardous waste disposal facility. What is it?

The sun came out today and I'm feelin' better. Most older people get up early and I do too. I think they do that mostly because they can't wait to see if they're still alive. That, and to have more time to find their teeth and stuff. I still have all mine in my head, so I can waste the extra time doin' nothin'.

Well, I could use the time to put creams and cleansers on my face so's I could have skin, "as smooth as a baby's behind," like the ad's claim. But I don't want folks callin' me "ass-face," so I just skip that.

I keep making typos here. I'm not gonna proof read, so get over it. Some days I can't type to save my life. I'm thinkin' the typing-to-save-my-life situation will probably never come up anyway.

Did anybody go to Mardi Gras this year? It might have been a bit depressing what with sifting through all the trash and torn-up streets. But I bet it was the best year ever for collecting Mardi Gras beads. Just sayin'.

I've been thinking about death. My death in particular. So I've decided to have a provision in my will that I will be put away with a roll of breath mints. I mean if I come back as a ghost or a zombie, I want minty-fresh breath. Somethin' to get rid of the taste of brains in my mouth, you know. Like that.

Actually when I die, I'd like to be scattered around the cemetery where my people are in Tennessee. But not, like, cremated or somethin'. I mean, it's a cemetery for gosh sakes! They oughta be able to handle seein' a finger here, a toe there. No big deal, right?

You know of course that ol' Hoss wants to be frozen and brought back to life later. But I see a big problem with cryogenics myself. I mean even if future advances in technology will let them unfreeze a person and bring him back to life in a hundred years or so, what's to say that the minimum-wage security guards will check those thermostats regularly? Hoss might thaw out a couple of times and be a bit mushy in his "new" life. He might be soft in unfortunate places. That Hoss.

I'm not fallin' for that freezing-my-body stuff. It's true I'm a senior citizen and it's true that I never got to go to a fancy school and such, but everything I ever needed to know I learned in my playpen. Just in case you kindergarten graduates think you're all that.

Answer to the radio question of the day:
Nail polish

Nail polish! That reminds me: Niks and I are invited to a charades party tonight! We'll suck at that. I should paint my nails. I have some OPI "I'm Not Really A Waitress" red polish. That should distract folks while I'm trying to make silly signs with my hands. Some people think I have a kinda mean sense of humor. Some people! I'm very sweet. Once you get to know me. Sort of.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


It's raining again.

I can't seem to get into the swing of things since my sister Bonnie died two weeks ago.

Wish the sun would shine. I think we should start a countdown to spring! You start. I'm too lazy to figure it out.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Rabbit, Rabbit!

It's that time again! On the first day of each month you must say, "Rabbit! Rabbit!" or else you'll have bad luck.

Happy March first to you. Spring is on the way folks.