Tuesday, December 27, 2005

We're on the road to nowhere



Radio question of the day:
A fifth of us admit that we've called in sick to work because of this. What is it?
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My friend Irene and I have had to go inside to mall walk now that it's icy in the mornings. Yesterday the mall opened at 6 AM for after Christmas shopping. The mall was packed!

Boy! People are a trip, ya know? We could barely move through the crowds. Too many people, boldly going nowhere. Yakking away. You want to ask them if people on their planet ever shut up.

Actually I want the Gene Police to take care of them: YOU! Out of the pool! God must love stupid people. He made so many of 'em. But if you think of it, half the people you know are below average. So, don't think about it.

We're tryin' to walk, and here these folks are, meandering to a different drummer, in our way. Oh, you think I'm just jealous because I can't hear the voices in their heads. But I can hear 'em too. I just don't have to answer out loud.

This one old guy, a born ass hole (the rest probably grew later), just has to stop and talk to all the old ladies. It's like: Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? My other two wishes are, one: get lost; two: drop dead. He struts when he walks, and he dresses spiffy too. He obviously knows that clothes make the man. It's true. Naked people have little or no influence on society. So I can't fault him on that.

Did I ever mention the little old guy who checks out all the coin-operated machines? You know, those gumball machines and such? He goes to every coin-operated machine in the mall, and rattles the handle, checks the coin-return slot, etc. He's pretty much diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Sweet old guy though. He's slower and frailer than he was last year when we were mall walking. I missed him in the spring, summer, and fall when we were walking outside. I worried about him. We used to try to get to the mall before he did and put money in the machines for him. You know what's scary? He drives to the mall.

A lot of the old people who walk at the mall have to use walkers. Some of them are all bent over. But they DRIVE to the mall. They should not be driving. They have handicapped license plates. They have to park close to the entrance. But they walk miles inside the mall. I better stop thinkin' about all this now. Better living through denial.

There's a nut case out there who carries a big bag around with him on his walk.
He's not suffering from insanity. He's enjoying every minute of it. I'm dyin' to know what's in the bag. Irene and I have talked about one of us trippin' him and the other one grabbing the bag for a look-see. But this is the only mall in the area. Not another one on this side of the river. We'd have to drive a long way to mall-walk after we pulled a prank like that. Maybe in the spring right before we go back outside to walk. Maybe the other old folks would forget about it by the next winter. Those old folks.
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Answer to the radio question of the day: You don't have coffee in the house.

I should have guessed that. This morning I discovered that we were out of coffee fillers. I had to make one out of a paper towel. It worked. Otherwise I would have called in sick to the mall. Come to think of it, I've used up all my sick days, so next time I'm calling in dead.

25 comments:

Rachel said...

Very funny post! Isn't it great people watching though?

Old folks are a hoot and so lovable (most of em anyway!).

I missed the question big time.

Paul said...

What a hoot! Believe it or not, My First Wife works in an assisted living center and helps round up people and take them for a mall walk once or so a week.

And then about that guy with the bag: show him a badge and ask to inspect his bag. Be nice. Give it back. Don't laugh till he's out of sight.

"Yonder" is the 11th word on my list. "Boy, howdy" is a good one. Thanks for stopping by.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

You are such a breathe of fresh air, TLP!

I broke down and bought one of those metal coffee filters. Now that you mention it, I think it is about 5 years old, and probably needs to be replaced!

dddragon said...

oh, mom, you make me laugh every day!

Pappa was great to be with for people-watching. He was horrible. I LOVED it.

Bet she was purty before she died ...

Logophile said...

I have tried to call in with a severe case of lack of motivation, the kids still wanted breakfast anyway...

lime said...

that whole coffee thing is beyond me. can't stand the stuff. fun report onthe mall walkers. i think youshoudl be good to the crazy guy and trip 'dapper dan' who thinks he is god's gift to mall walkers.....i'm just sayin'

Fred said...

I very rarely go to malls, if ever. But, when we're on a trip and The Missus stops to shop, she makes sure I'm parked with something to read. Inevitably, the people are much more interesting than the book or newspaper, so I watch them in all their glory. I love it - always have.

The coffee excuse would never work for me. I never drink it, so they'd see through that right away. Now, if I ran out of Diet Coke, they’d understand.

actonbell said...

Hahahhahaha! Funny post:)

Sar said...

Nod to your choice in cartoons; I saw it earlier today when I was googling images. It's a good one - as is this post! Too freakin funny. My favorite line of many was:

"He's not suffering from insanity. He's enjoying every minute of it."

Ivy the Goober said...

Love the cartoon. I'm not only a member, I'm also the president ;)

Keith said...

Mall walking? That's for softies! Get your winter woolies on and the gumiboots and go outside in the fresh air. Just think of all the germs you're breathing in from all the old gits in the mall. A nice walk in the crisp winter air will do you more good.

Me? I'm an Old Git and I'm off for a slow saunter in the mall......

Doug said...

Very funny post, TLP, but I think you underestimate the influence of naked people on society.

The Lazy Iguana said...

I was going to guess "call in sick because you are still drunk from the party you were at", but that would be more than 20%.

Peter said...

Very funny stuff Lucy, I loved the wet/dry dog.

sherle said...

Ohmigosh!!! We've got ourselves another 'I love Lucy!!!' You are one funny lady!

I'd love to go mall walking but not sure if it's safe anymore in our town... and my best friend left me forever. We used to love people-watching at the beach, in parks, whereever.... maybe someday I'll just bite the bullet and go it alone!

and Barbarafromcalifornia... Do those metal coffee filters really work? Doesn't it change the coffee flavor? Hmmm. Maybe i'll try it some day.

Libby said...

lucy...what if that guy with the big bag has a head in there, huh? all moldy & stuff by now! walk past him and take a big sniff before you knock him over..,.

Lucy said...

You sure that's not an old folks home your walking in???

I've used paper towels for coffee filters many times...nothing stops me from having my morning coffee - i've even been known to pour water back thru yesterday's grounds ---

KristieD said...

rofl...People always seem to get in my way when i am shopping, either in the mall or at walmart. at walmart its like they intentionally block the aisle with their cart and fat asses. I say 'excuse me' all polite and stuff, and then i just ram my cart thru theirs, saying loudly to myself how inconsiderate people are. I HATE shopping at walmart - it brings out the worst in me. Of course, i am a waitress at a local restaurant here, and people just stand in the middle of the aisle, and here i am, all of 4'11, with a tray of food just as big, with the dumb folks in the middle of the aisle, looking RIGHT AT ME, their kids running between my legs, and after asking nicely 2-3 times, i say PLEASE MOVE NOW...in a very stern voice. Again, there's a theme here: lots of dumb people, and i dont have much patience for them...arghh. Now ya got me going...

still life said...

I can't even think straight if I haven't had my morning coffee. But call in sick!?!
I want a job where they're working.

kenju said...

Too funny! One of our malls has legions of mall-walkers, but I am not among them. I would top off every walk with a visit to the local Dunkin' Doghnuts and spend all my pennies on the sales.

I did walk at the health club today; only half a mile - but that's a good start, right?

Tom & Icy said...

Maybe the guy has his dirty laundry in that bag. Does he hold it with both hands?

Minka said...

People would call in sick if they are out of coffee? really? I call in sick...well, when I am sick, like coughing and stuff! Guess I am old-fashioned :)

bornfool said...

"Diagonally parked in a parallel universe." Great line. lol.

AP3 said...

We like to conserve energy in this house, too. I'm sitting on my fat @$$ right now, in fact.

That's amazing about the coffee... I love coffee, and I'm not above having the occasional "mental health day". However, if you have no coffee in the house, you just go to Starbucks or some such on the way to the office.

Jamie Dawn said...

Use your battle ax and tackled that guy with the bag.
That cartoon is sadly SO true. Wouldn't want for some people to have to break a sweat for anything, now would we?