Tuesday, December 27, 2005
We're on the road to nowhere
Radio question of the day:
A fifth of us admit that we've called in sick to work because of this. What is it?
My friend Irene and I have had to go inside to mall walk now that it's icy in the mornings. Yesterday the mall opened at 6 AM for after Christmas shopping. The mall was packed!
Boy! People are a trip, ya know? We could barely move through the crowds. Too many people, boldly going nowhere. Yakking away. You want to ask them if people on their planet ever shut up.
Actually I want the Gene Police to take care of them: YOU! Out of the pool! God must love stupid people. He made so many of 'em. But if you think of it, half the people you know are below average. So, don't think about it.
We're tryin' to walk, and here these folks are, meandering to a different drummer, in our way. Oh, you think I'm just jealous because I can't hear the voices in their heads. But I can hear 'em too. I just don't have to answer out loud.
This one old guy, a born ass hole (the rest probably grew later), just has to stop and talk to all the old ladies. It's like: Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? My other two wishes are, one: get lost; two: drop dead. He struts when he walks, and he dresses spiffy too. He obviously knows that clothes make the man. It's true. Naked people have little or no influence on society. So I can't fault him on that.
Did I ever mention the little old guy who checks out all the coin-operated machines? You know, those gumball machines and such? He goes to every coin-operated machine in the mall, and rattles the handle, checks the coin-return slot, etc. He's pretty much diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Sweet old guy though. He's slower and frailer than he was last year when we were mall walking. I missed him in the spring, summer, and fall when we were walking outside. I worried about him. We used to try to get to the mall before he did and put money in the machines for him. You know what's scary? He drives to the mall.
A lot of the old people who walk at the mall have to use walkers. Some of them are all bent over. But they DRIVE to the mall. They should not be driving. They have handicapped license plates. They have to park close to the entrance. But they walk miles inside the mall. I better stop thinkin' about all this now. Better living through denial.
There's a nut case out there who carries a big bag around with him on his walk.
He's not suffering from insanity. He's enjoying every minute of it. I'm dyin' to know what's in the bag. Irene and I have talked about one of us trippin' him and the other one grabbing the bag for a look-see. But this is the only mall in the area. Not another one on this side of the river. We'd have to drive a long way to mall-walk after we pulled a prank like that. Maybe in the spring right before we go back outside to walk. Maybe the other old folks would forget about it by the next winter. Those old folks.
Answer to the radio question of the day: You don't have coffee in the house.
I should have guessed that. This morning I discovered that we were out of coffee fillers. I had to make one out of a paper towel. It worked. Otherwise I would have called in sick to the mall. Come to think of it, I've used up all my sick days, so next time I'm calling in dead.