Wednesday, December 28, 2005
I got a new cell phone yesterday. It's sweet. It's got a buncha new features (new to me anyway). It takes pictures, has voice dialing, e-mail, mobile web. Good stuff.
Anyway, last night I sat down with the User Guide to learn how to use all this junk. I laughed so hard my eyes disappeared, I lost sound, my body was convulsing, you know the routine. I was trying to read the Important Safety Precautions to husband Niks.
He was dying laughing too. 'Course he was dying laughing at me, since he couldn't hear any of the safety precautions. Told you: I lost sound.
The very first warning: Violation of the instructions may cause serious injury or death.
Whoa! DEATH? By cell phone? Holy shit!! This is some serious phone I got here.
Next comes: Never place your phone in a microwave oven. Aw, maaaannnnn! You mean I gotta eat it raw???!
Then: Do not dispose of your battery by fire. Is by flood okay I wonder?
Also: Be careful that children do not swallow any parts of the phone. Heck, since I can't cook it in the microwave, I seriously doubt that I could talk a kid into eating it anyway. But I guess chewing on it is okay. Just no swallowing. You guys. Don't go there.
Then: Do not drop, strike, or shake your phone severely. I guess that all punishment has to be stuff like time-outs. I'll never get control of the phone if I have to send it to its room. Or maybe I should call the customer service and get a definition of "severely." Yeah. I think I'll do that.
Here are some other silly instructions:
On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. Jeez. Can't get those extra z's in the AM.
On bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Steal the bag.
On a box of Dial Soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. You know how to use irregular soap I'm sure.
On some Schwann's frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. Even in the summer?
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. But not a big ego.
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) Now you tell me.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. I had no idea that heating caused heat.
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body. Okay, I've actually tired this on a morning when I was runnin' late.
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. What about kids in China? They gotta work, don't they?
On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness. Oh, drat. And here you are at work.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children. So, how're we gonna cut 'em up?
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. I'm thinking.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for other use. Speechless.
On Sainbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains Nuts. Is that all? No peas?
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. Can't use these as a douche.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. Feet are okay.
On a box of aspirin: Do not take if allergic to aspirin. One aspirin is just like another?
To be truly safe: Just stay at home and be very, very still. Niks and I are going to the movies to see The Squid and the Whale . We're old. It's okay if we get killed by popcorn or somethin'.