Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Smart phone


I got a new cell phone yesterday. It's sweet. It's got a buncha new features (new to me anyway). It takes pictures, has voice dialing, e-mail, mobile web. Good stuff.

Anyway, last night I sat down with the User Guide to learn how to use all this junk. I laughed so hard my eyes disappeared, I lost sound, my body was convulsing, you know the routine. I was trying to read the Important Safety Precautions to husband Niks.

He was dying laughing too. 'Course he was dying laughing at me, since he couldn't hear any of the safety precautions. Told you: I lost sound.

The very first warning: Violation of the instructions may cause serious injury or death.
Whoa! DEATH? By cell phone? Holy shit!! This is some serious phone I got here.

Next comes: Never place your phone in a microwave oven. Aw, maaaannnnn! You mean I gotta eat it raw???!

Then: Do not dispose of your battery by fire. Is by flood okay I wonder?

Also: Be careful that children do not swallow any parts of the phone. Heck, since I can't cook it in the microwave, I seriously doubt that I could talk a kid into eating it anyway. But I guess chewing on it is okay. Just no swallowing. You guys. Don't go there.

Then: Do not drop, strike, or shake your phone severely. I guess that all punishment has to be stuff like time-outs. I'll never get control of the phone if I have to send it to its room. Or maybe I should call the customer service and get a definition of "severely." Yeah. I think I'll do that.

Here are some other silly instructions:



On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. Jeez. Can't get those extra z's in the AM.

On bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Steal the bag.

On a box of Dial Soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. You know how to use irregular soap I'm sure.

On some Schwann's frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. Even in the summer?

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. But not a big ego.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) Now you tell me.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. I had no idea that heating caused heat.

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body. Okay, I've actually tired this on a morning when I was runnin' late.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. What about kids in China? They gotta work, don't they?

On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness. Oh, drat. And here you are at work.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children. So, how're we gonna cut 'em up?

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. I'm thinking.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for other use. Speechless.

On Sainbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains Nuts. Is that all? No peas?

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. Can't use these as a douche.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. Feet are okay.

On a box of aspirin: Do not take if allergic to aspirin. One aspirin is just like another?

To be truly safe: Just stay at home and be very, very still. Niks and I are going to the movies to see The Squid and the Whale . We're old. It's okay if we get killed by popcorn or somethin'.

35 comments:

KristieD said...

Omg...ROFL. THat was too funny. It does make you wonder tho...something had to happen to make them put those warnings there...some dumb people in this world.

haha

Keith said...

I saw a sign on a door. "This door is not an entrance or an exit. Keep closed at all times".

Why didn't they just brick it up for Christ's sake!

Another one. "DANGER! Do not enter. Death by electrocution very possible. Only Electric personnel to enter". Jeez! and I'm only clockwork!

Keith said...

Oh..just remembered another one.

In a gunstore, "Do not touch. These guns can kill!"

Aren't they supposed to do just that?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Is this the time we say "But wait! There's more!!"

(Thanks for the nomination, Lucy. Kenju -- JustAskJudy -- did likewise. As I told her, that's okay -- somebody has to come in last, and I am good at that.)

actonbell said...

Gee, it's great when the instructions are so much fun! Usually, they're a drag.

Bela said...

I'm on the floor, in stitches.

Everyone's so scared of being sued these days.

Ivy the Goober said...

Sounds like fair and equal treatment for that wittle cell phone. You be nice to it, now, TLP!

still life said...

You laugh, but I've had some run-ins with popcorn... dangerous stuff there.

I think that the manufacturers are just trying to see if people are paying attention. I'm going to start reading instructions and directions for products, forget the New York Times bestsellers.

Doug said...

Thanks for a great laugh. I hope it's Friday.

The Tiramisu reminds me of a great cliché. When describing someone simple, "He couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel."

Tom & Icy said...

They should hire those guys who write instructions to write TV shows.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Soooo Funny!!! (lol)....it is incredible how some of these warnings are so ludicrous they ARE hysterically funny! Good luck to all of us!
How did you like the movie? I saw it and thought it was very very good...Jeff Daniels is terrific, isn't he? Painful movie though...

kenju said...

Did you see on the news this week that a woman had "accidentally swallowed" her cell phone? I heard today that the trrue story was that her boyfriend had shoved it down her throat.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Darn! You better watch out with that phone.

I like the "do not use in the shower" label on hairdriers. You would think that people would NOT be trying to dry their hair while washing it.

Minka said...

Wasn´t there a case in the states, that involved some family suiting the state for not writing on some thingy that you are not supposed to put it in a microwave and won? I thin this is why most company include this now. Some people sure live on half a brain cell.

Peter said...

Something there for everyone Lucy, there are certainly some strange instructions around.

dddragon said...

oh, mom, thx again for the laugh. And I can picture you laughing without sound ... because I get like that, too.

sometimes while driving I do pull over sometimes.

Sar said...

I can just hear Forrest Gump saying, "boy, people sure can be dumber than a box of rocks."

Funny stuff, TLP, thanks for the laughs. :)

lime said...

have ya read about the lady who recently did swallow her cell phone? go figure.....so yeah, sadly, i guess they expect you to eat it raw

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

ROTFL...You could take this to SNL!

Love the fritos one...

You have such a great sense of humor, I love it.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Oh drat, I almost forgot about another warning label I saw on a box of frozen oversized pretzels.

WARNING! May cause idiots to choke. Not for use in the White House.

Fred said...

I'm on the floor with Barbara. I really can't pick out a favorite; they're all good. Thanks for the chuckle.

Rachel said...

Very funny stuff! I'm sure they do that because so many people love to sue them. Like the woman who sued McDonalds (I think it was) because she spilled the coffee and got burned and she won! I think that jury was stupid too. Now you see those signs at the drive through that hot drinks are very hot! DUH!! Amazing how stupid some people are.

Manchego said...

Those are priceless! Although I, too, have ironed clothes while wearing them. It's a time-saving measure...like not microwaving your phone.

Klondike Kate said...

Loved your post! I've heard some of these before but your "observations" are fresh and hillarious!

Saur♥Kraut said...

This is hysterical. I never knew how dangerous the world was!!!

Mary said...

Okay, I shouldn't have been reading this post at work, I had to stifle too much laughing. But you know, usually when there's a warning it's because someone has attempted the action already! That's even scarier.

Libby said...

...you forgot the one about how you should not dry your hair in the microwave oven...

Keith said...

I just noticed that trouble is back online. She has managed to design her own blog at last! Lets just pretend we haven't seen her, then she might go away!

*just signed my death warrant!*

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

You inspired me, TLP....

I finally have a funny post!

AP3 said...

LOL

That's hilarious about your new cellphone!

GOOD LUCK!

Ariella said...

woo hoo
New cell, how cool are you?
Great lil tips there, invaluable, I very nearly cooked my phone in the microwave, so glad you told us!

Monique said...

These are so good! I too have tried ironing my clothes when they are on when I've been in a hurry. Doesn't work so well!

Now you've got me curious. I wonder what would happen if you tried to microwave a cell phone? See, their instruction do nothing but give people ideas they never would have had otherwise. :)

Doug said...

Um, did you start your drinking early, TLP?

Anonymous said...

I love it!
Mom

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