Friday, December 02, 2005

Oh, Christmas Tree, oh Christmas tree

Radio question of the day:
95 % of women polled said, when considering a man to date, they would put up with most all the negative qualities a man might have (with exception of bad breath or body order) if the man had this one positive trait.

I'm tryin' to talk myself into getting up from this PC and putting up the Christmas tree. I have a "permanent tree." Not artificial mind you, it's a permanent tree. It's a nice one. They don't call the nice ones, artificial.

I have a love-hate relationship to Christmas trees. I do love them. Love Christmas decorations in general. But I have had some unpleasant Christmas trees.

One year I bought a pre-cut tree at a Christmas tree lot. This tree actually spit needles at me when I walked near it. You could hear the damn thing dropping needles from the next room. I was still vacuuming up those $%L# needles in the spring. It musta been cut in October and sittin' somewhere a long time before Christmas.

Another year I bought a very beautiful, very expensive, flocked "permanent tree." By the time I had assembled that tree I had flocking so far up my nose I couldn't breathe. Flocking was everywhere. In my hair, under my nails, all over my body, all over the living room, in my eyes. That flockin' tree. By the time I had the lights on it, my lungs were stopped up. Didn't put anything else on it. Didn't want lung cancer. I put it out to the curb two days after Christmas. Of course that tree brought on a flurry of vacuuming. Damn flockin' tree.

We've cut trees with the kids, bought trees off of lots, you name it, we've tried it. To know me is to know that I have no tolerance for mess. No kinda mess anywhere. But I do love a Christmas tree. So, I have a problem.

Niks and I used to have arguments every time we put up a live tree. Tryin' to get it straight, etc. So one year I hired a nursery to cut a tree, deliver it and set it up. Looked great. Niks came home from work and was shocked. "Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Because," I said, "every year we're ready to get divorced after we mess around with the tree."

"What are you talking about?" he said! "We don't fight about the tree!"

Apparently we live in two separate houses. I always had fights with the guy that was living here with me. That Niks. Living with some other babe at Christmas. That takes nerve.

Answer to the question of the day:
If the man was a very good dancer. Take a lesson.


lime said...

heck i'd be thrilled if my hubby would dance at all, even badly!

we alternate trees. the years we stay home we hav ea live one. the years we travel to GA we put up an's bad. very bad. the last time i used it i was duct taping limbs back onto it. when i took it down i hauled it out to the curb. no more artificial tree. does that also mean no more travellin gto GA? one can only hope.

Klondike Kate said...

Artificial is the way to go!!

And I didn't realize dancing was on every other woman's list as well - hmmmm.

Lucy said...

Your so funny...i'm telling you - are are the master storyteller. I know i keep repeating myself.

Now - is this when you got your infatuation with Vacuum Cleaners? Also i'd like to see a pic of that permanent tree - decorated in all it's glory.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Oh boy am I glad you shared this radio question with us. Because I just told SaurKid that I'm going to enroll him in ballroom dance lessons and he nearly had a heart-attack.

You are a wonderous story teller. Thanks for another highly entertaining story!

I hate trees. I have been in denial about this for many years, but I have come to terms with it. I hate the fuss and bother and would kill for an umbrella tree like they have in Dr. Seuss' The Grinch.

Jamie Dawn said...

Ahhh, his memories of putting up the tree together were obviously happy ones. He apparently forgot about the times you nearly clawed his eyes out.

Jamie Dawn said...

Dancing? I'd have thought it was a great, big, huge, bank account.

dddragon said...

Oh, Lime, I don't know about that -- my husband dances so badly that I either leave the room or ROFL.

I'm all for a permanent tree this year. Last year the kiddies were the ones who argued over which tree to cut.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Lime, My tree isn't really a bother to put up. It's just in three pieces. Hope you get to stay home this year.

Kate, why is it that we love to dance and they don't?

Lucy, thanks. Okay, I will do a photo of it. Not sayin' when. But before Jan.

Saurkraut, you will be doing the boy SUCH a favor if you make him learn to dance!

Jamie, He surprised the heck out of me when he said we didn't fight about the tree. Imagine dancing combined with money. Ahhh.....heaven.

3D, I can't imagine you guys with an unlive tree! Is that going to happen?

Monique said...

I sometimes wonder if my husband and I live in the same house, for just this reason!

Mike said...

So, as long I can dance, my nose pickin' shouldn't hinder anyone? We used to put up live trees all the time, until a couple of years ago. Pine needles every freakin' where.

Doug said...

I solve the problem by buying a living tree which I then kill. Still needles everywhere but I feel better. I was really hoping the answer would be "cute in a pudgy way."

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Monique, Amazing how we see stuff from different points of view, huh?

Mike, uh, no, don't go there. Or do that.

Doug, So many ladies in blogland would be happy to dance with you! Not even counting Lula.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Who says it has to be a tree? Get a cactus. They live almost forever, and don't care if they don't get decorated.

sherle said...

...a real genuine fake tree!!! I like the fiber optic one the husband & I bought last year! BTW he lured me with dance and forgot how after we married. Another BTW this time to Doug - the husband was pudgy. I like pudgy. I like short & pudgy even better... if I were looking that is. Jeez I guess it's time to get that tree out, eh? ;-)

Doug said...

Thanks, Sherle. I'll keep an eye out for you.

AP3 said...

Dancing, really? Huh.

Me Wonder Woman Pez and I have a fight every year when we do the Christmas tree too. Good times.

actonbell said...

You managed to make me laugh with this post, and I've already heard the general story--good job:)
...and I did run out to the mall today, and made a point of looking at the trees in Hecht's. OH, MY! I saw the brown one! Along with the lime green and burgandy/maroon ones. Original.

The Lazy Iguana said...

This reminds me. Why even have a tree in your house at all?

If it were up to me, I would just decorate the tree in the front yard that Katrina and Wilma could not kill. I would use bio-degradable ornaments, so that way I would not have to un-decorate it.

As for dancing....lets just say I spend as hell of a lot on mouthwash and deodorant.

natasha said...

Oh, don't get me started on Christmas tree arguments ... Every year before I moved out of the house I used to make myself scarce when my parents put up the tree. When we had a real one, there'd be arguments about whether it was straight or not, how big of a mess my dad was making going up the stairs with it, etc. After that part was done, there'd be an argument over whether or not the lights were on properly. They had to be spread out just so. I'd show myself to decorate the tree, but watch out! You can't put two ornaments of the same colour or object (i.e. two bells) too close to each other! That just won't do. The tree was the worst part of Christmas. So traumatizing.

These days, we have a fake tree that comes with built-in lights. My mom likes putting it up herself and decorating it herself. I come home and do my two favourite ornaments. Problem solved.

What's flocking?

Fred said...

Some of the biggest arguments between me and The Missus have been over Christmas trees. I would always buy really big trees and would have to cut the trunk. Well, I could never cut the trunk enough to fit our itty bitty tree stand. Lots of tension.

So, The Missus finally got a stand that would accommodate a California Redwood. We haven’t had any problems since.

AP3 said...

It's fascinating that so many of us couples fight when getting/putting up the Christmas tree -- something that's supposed to be fun!

I guess there are lots of hidden tensions... The differences in traditions around the holidays, the tension around the extra money being spent at Christmas, the work and aggravation of it all.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Hoss, a cactus! Of course. Why didn't I think of that?

Sherle, that's called bait and switch. It's illegal.

Doug, I'm a match-maker, huh?

AP3, yes, the holidays are tense. So many issues.

ActonBell, aren't those trees just HORRIBLE?

Natasha, yep. It's an old story. The holidays are tough.

Fred, at least you solved your problem! Congrats.

AP3, it's supposed to be fun? Who knew? Throw in fights about WHERE to spend TIME as well as MONEY.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Lazy Iguana! I missed you there! You have a good idea of course. But I gotta have a tree in the house. Have to torture myself I guess.

Wait til you have kids. You'll have a tree. Before you know it, you've got a tradition.

Tom & Icy said...

My childhood memories are full of the smell of real trees, but we haven't had a real one with that odor in years.

Peter said...

Hi Lucy, sometimes we can but wonder at why we do things, like the annual battle with christmas trees and the like.
Thanks for sending the story to me, I'll use it one day.

Minka said...

I have the Monica in Friends syndrome. Nobody gets close to putting up my tree. I usually do it alone, or get a girlfriend to help me. Never fought yet, maybe both of us are equally disabled and that is why it works.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Tom and Icy: Well, live trees are indoor plumbing for dogs. So, of course, you should GET one.

Peter: Holidays aren't as pretty from the inside.

Monika: I actually think it is a task best done alone. Or with small children.

Manchego said...

We're "fighting" about whether to get a tree at all or not. Not really fighting, but discussing. We also discuss every year whether or not to put up lights in the yard and if so, whether they should be the cute little plain white ones or the horrendously hideous big-bulbed colored ones. Can you guess where I stand?

Keith said...

I pride myself that I am a good dancer. I went to a lot of trouble to learn ballroom, sequence and country dancing (y'know..the "do-si-do" stuff). I can never find a partner! The local dances seem to be for couples only. I am alone, and I thought that being able to dance properly it would be easy to find someone. Wrong! I can never find a loose woman anywhere who can dance.
Where are all the nice single women gone? I am a "wallflower" at dances, I just sit and watch all the married couples enjoying themselves. Merde!

As to christmas trees, I never bother with them. What's the point when no-one comes at Christmas?

Rachel said...

A Charlie Brown tree is best. It doesn't require too much and looks pitiful, but ....what the heck!

I thought the answer would be a big bank account too! But dancing is good!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Mancheo: Yeah, I think I can guess your opinion!

Keith: Now that is a darn shame!

Rachel: Welcome. Yes. Money is GOOD.

Sar said...

Damn Flockin' Tree had me in stitches. But then again so did your "indoor plumbing" comment to Tom & Icy above.

Hubby can dance. Does the whole dipping thing too. But he can't stand stringing lights on the tree so we did like you, TLP, and got the fancy 3 pc pre-lit this year. If all goes well, I'll have a picture of our damn flockin' tree up in tomorrow's post.

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