Sunday, December 11, 2005

Twas the Nocturnal Serment of the Diurnal Period

The Night Before Christmas poem is one of the most parodied writings ever I believe. Here's one version for intellectuals:


Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration. And throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as mus musclus.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an eminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St.Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness, when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alactrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Fastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar merdidan itself; thus permitting my incredulous optica lsensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus ragifer.

Piloted by a minuscule aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have been more vertigiuous velocity than patriotionalar predators, he vodiferated loudly, exuelled breath musically through contracted lasia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respected cognonen; Now Dasher, now Dancer, et al.

Guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved, with utmost celerity in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof.

His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the planthora of assorted playthings which he bore exorsally in commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of exgaging amiability.

The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the suboutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of albion's floral embelem, the latter that of the prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and superalabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their amdent hirscule facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

He was as short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a singular manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:



Fred said...

I got dizzy reading this. The only thing I know about a diurinal is to make sure I wash my hands after using one.

Same you you, TLP, have a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period.

Doug said...

I think of read this before. Does the author do motivational speaking?

still life said...

Have I been away so long that I am not able to understand English? I think that it says Happy Holidays... but I'm not really sure.

dddragon said...

lol, yes, I've heard this before. In print it is more daunting.

It reminds me of a cheer that we did at Penn State football games, subsituting "push them back" with "repel our competitors" and "football" with "ovoid comprised of porcine skin" or something like that. Wish I could remember it more clearly.

Savtadotty said...

ddd - "Fight fiercely Harvard, do, do, do. Demostrate to them our skill..." Tom Lehrer '47

Happy Holidays to you too, TLP.

Minka said...

You ´ave a blast as well :)

Lucy said...

Do you think George B. could follow this? Maybe he could do an interpretation.

natasha said...

I love it!

Peter said...

That is mind bending Lucy,the English language is capable of anything.

A Little Bar of Soap said...

This is absurd. Filth!

actonbell said...

haha! Believe it or not, Ekim always reads the traditional version to me on xmas Eve--I hafta listen to it before pigging out on beer and snacks (a part of a healthy dinner). This year, I want him to read this one! So much more interesting.

Mike said... dictionary came in handy here.

actonbell said...

Oh-I meant to say: I hope Serena didn't ignore you! I can't imagine that.

mireille said...

*whisper* I just skimmed it. but Merry Christmas, right? ♥ and in a brief suckup to Serena: I'm sure you're not like all those other cats. xoxo

lime said...

what a riot. i never saw that one but it was good!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I got lost. Did it say anything in there about cookies and milk?

Jamie Dawn said...

There were some words in there that would be good for Doug's site. He sometimes chooses words that drive me to the dictionary.
Wouldn't it be cool to hear a little kid recite this version from memory?

(I picked out a Christmas gift just for you & posted it on my blog. Hope you like it; it's non-refundable.)

Sar said...

Thanks for sharing this, TLP. I, in turn, have to share it with the most cerebral people I know - my parents! They will love it. :)

Monique said...

Okay, I have not read one of your posts all the way through, but I had to quit this one after the first paragraph. My poor overextended brain. I am cross-eyed!

Monique said...

Oops, what I meant to say is, I have NEVER not read one of your posts all the way through (until now). See, you have totally fried my brain!

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