Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Mall walk

Question of the day:
The Japanese have invented a new toilet that saves water in a unique way. How does this new invention work?
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Yesterday my walking buddy Irene and I went inside to walk for the first time this season. So from now until early spring, we will be mall walkers. Sigh. We like walking outside better.

A bonus to walking inside is that the mall doesn't open for walkers until 8 AM. So we can sleep later. We were walking outside in the summer at 6:30 AM. That had gradually crept up to 7:00 AM because of the shorter-light days. Now we miss the sunrise. Too bad.

One down side of walking in the mall is, well, the old people who walk in the mall so early. They dress up for the occasion. Those guys. These old ladies wear matching outfits. They put on makeup. They comb their hair! In fact, some of the hair you see on the early-morning-old-ladies looks plastic, so I guess they're not combin' that. Maybe apply fresh glue. Like that.

So anyway, now the two of us have to rake a comb through our hair and put on bras. Botheration.

Another down side is that from now until Christmas, the stores in the mall are all opening at 8 AM. Usually they open at 9:30 and 10:00 depending on the store. So yesterday, bein' the first day inside and all, Irene was like a kid in a candy store.

"Oh, look at that shirt!" Irene is all excited. "Perfect for my niece Lois!" So we stroll inside that store and check out the shirt. Further on down the line, she sees an outfit for her granddaughter. So we gotta go in there and check out the sizes and colors available. Then we really got seriously hung up in a store with bath oils, body lotions, all kinds of that stuff. We came out smelling like a rose. Also like a cucumber, black raspberries, vanilla beans, and cotton blossoms. Not to mention the sparkles we had on our faces and hands.

We were in and out of stores all down one side of the mall. At the turn, by Penney's, she was headin' in, but I caught her arm and sez, "We are not goin' the heck into Penney's."

"But it's pulling me!" she said.

"No. The only thing pullin' you is me. That's me aholda your arm."

So we get past Penney's, and she's good past the Tuxedo shop and the men's wear store next to it. She's tempted by some other places, but I've got a firm grip on her.

Then I insist that we go into Hecht's Department Store. I want her to see the Christmas decorations section there. The decorations throughout the store are pretty. But wait 'til you get to the part where they sell fake trees and sh*t.

Her mouth dropped open when she saw the first horrible fake tree. It's a neon chartreuse. The decorations on that ugly tree are neon pink, yellow, more chartreuse, orange, etc. Next to it is a turquoise fake tree. When I say "fake tree," I'm talkin' the most fake fake-tree you can imagine. Many "permanent trees" are very real looking. These fake trees are so fakey-looking it's amazing.

The turquoise tree has crabs. It's a nautical theme. Hand-sized orange crabs hanging all over it. Other fish and such too. Sad.

Then there's the dull maroon tree. It has purple, maroon, and dull gold decorations. Irene's beginnin' to choke up. But the brown fake tree really got her. "What's that?" she asked, "A fake dead Christmas tree?" Tears come to her eyes. The brown fake-dead Christmas tree has brown and dull gold decorations. It's my personal fav. Best fake-already-dead tree I ever saw.

Today we're goin' to WALK if it kills her. And by "it" I mean me. I'll just walk and drag Irene. In a mall where they sell fake dead Christmas trees, no one will notice one dead old lady being dragged along, yaknowwhatI'msayin'?

*******************************
Answer to question of the day: Studies in Japan showed that many people using public toilets flushed before it was necessary to do so, in order to cover the noise they were making while using the facility. So a Japanese company has devised a toilet with a button that plays a recording of a toilet flushing. It makes the usual flushing noise (to cover any other sounds) while using no water at all. In the end, so to speak, one uses the actual flushing devise.

33 comments:

AP3 said...

Good luck gettin' Irene to WALK!

I like the Japanese invention idea.

lime said...

well i think thejapanese invention beats the thing we encountered in kentucky. it was called the 'destroylet' and it was basically an incinerator toilet

Sar said...

TLP, you are the funniest lady on the planet. Maybe next time you ladies walk through Hechts you should bring some cream for the Turquois tree with crabs. Afterall, it is better to give than to receive.

Mary said...

I am officially afraid of you. I've been almost run over by mall walkers quite a few times.

Peter said...

Good luck with the Mall Walking Lucy, if you tried mall walking here around Christmas time you would just get swallowed up in the crush there are so many frenetic shoppers around.

Lucy said...

A brown xmas tree? I've not seen a brown tree - but am dissappointed with the selection of xmas decor this year. Usually i add to my already excessive collection - but not this year. Also pick up a few poinsettias @ Walmart cuz their cheap & eventually die in my home. Walmart poinsettias -- are Orange, Turquoise,and pale violet. The violet wasn't bad - but Orange??? I mean it was like the fruit color orange. Not for me.

Doug said...

I think you're not being fair. Maybe a blue pine tree with crabs on it is for the homesick mermaid community.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

AP3, I'm with you on the toilet idea. I was thinkin' on recording the sound and installing it in the powder room that's next to the TV room.

Lime, doesn't that just make it smell worse?

Sar, I'm proud to say that I've neither given nor received crabs. I ain't touchin'em.

Mary, oh yeah! These folks are not strollin' over there! 'Cept Irene.

Peter, when it's not Christmas, it's okay. Plenty of room. But boring.

Lucy, I think the offical XMAS colors this year are orange, turquois, and hot pink. Touch of neon yellow here and there, and of course the ever popular chartreuse.

Doug, I'm so over all the benefits for homeless mermaids. Had it up to here.

Rachel said...

Don't take any money when you walk in the mall! No credit cards either. Would that help? Nah, just keep dragging her! :)

dddragon said...

I'm going to have to go to Hechts to see those trees!

btw, didja see the poinsettias at Giant? They've got them in funny colors now, too.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Rachel, we don't take money or credit cards IN with us. But merchants are happy to set things aside. Then we go out and get our purses later.

3D, yeah! I saw those poinsettias. I was underwhelmed. Go see those fugly trees at Hecht's.

Minka said...

I sincerely hope that thos eugly fake trees where a display rather than soemthing peopl buy!!! Scary stuff...

mireille said...

bras. damn. that just takes all the natural goodness out of it, doesn't it? xoxo

mireille said...

Also, please apologize to I for me: during your birthday post, I misidentified her as C. I'm sorry. xoxo

Jamie Dawn said...

I saw and used one of those noise maker things while in the airport in Japan. Courtney and I and some of the students on the trip went into the stalls and pressed several of the buttons. It was fun! That was the only place we saw them while on our trip.

Fred said...

Reminds me of the original Vacation movie, when Chevy Chase dragged the dog for a long time before anyone noticed.

What's next? A tree that dispenses beer?

Monique said...

A fake already dead tree? What will they think of next?

And I came out of store just the other day smelling like a very interesting concoction of similar scents. Because you just can't go in there and not try everything!

still life said...

This is sounding to me like a very dangerous situation. Something which could spin out of control quickly. You must leave all the credit cards at home.
Maybe if the two of you don't beautify in the morning you will walk quicker as you won't want anyone to see you.

When I was little I remember that we had a very mod silver fake tree, that had a projector style light that would shine on it and change the colors. And we only had blue balls on it.

Say, do you think my little tree with blue balls would happen to know the little turquoise tree with crabs...Mmmmm

KristieD said...

still life-- haha.

The toilet thing is an interesting idea- i guess for those people who are pee-shy (whatever-else-shy)...dont know if i would want (or need) one tho.

Who in their right mind would buy a fake-already-dead tree? If you cave and go in the store again you should see if those fugly trees actually are selling. Curious minds want to know.

Good luck with the no shopping thing while walking, i think Still Life's idea of no beautifying is a good one, maybe that'll keep ya'll moving.

actonbell said...

Yeah, those are some pretty gnarly trees. If I walked the mall, Gertrude Hawks would definitely flush me into the store--which reminds me: I think the toilets should play tunes, or something entertaining, to cover the other sounds, and maybe spray a lilac scent...just an idea.
I'll be exercising indoors, too--it gets too dark, and there's ice out there! Ugh--cold weather.

natasha said...

Stupid bras. I'm not wearing one right now. Thank goodness for multiple layers in wintertime!

Dragging Irene would give you more exercise, you know. However, it seems a shame to waste a perfectly good friend on that. I recommend investing in a length of rope, a burlap sack, and some rocks.

Libby said...

Lucy, you'll kill me for this, but i think the maroon tree sounds great...but then, i'm kinda one of those kind of people. ;-D
BoUnCeS!! LibbY!

Libby said...

Lucy, you'll kill me for this, but i think the maroon tree sounds great...but then, i'm kinda one of those kind of people. ;-D
BoUnCeS!! LibbY!

mireille said...

And I just realized this: you and Irene sampled some perfumes snif. I'm all misty. You have been listening. ♥ xoxo

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Monika, I haven't seen anyone actually BUY one of these trees, but of course the store is trying to SELL them.

Mireille, yeah, I hate those bras. I knew that you meant Irene instead of C. on the birthday. C. is my save-me-from-Owen-coffee-drinking buddy. YES! we sampled perfumes! I was thinking about you at the time.

Jamie, you have actually used the thing! *impressed*

Fred, now a tree that gives a person beer would definitely sell. In a hurry.

Monique, you can't try just one.

Still Life, "Say, do you think my little tree with blue balls would happen to know the little turquoise tree with crabs," that's funnier than anything written in my post today!

KristieD, well, we don't really do much in the way of beauty. Just the comb and underwear. I doubt that we can get much plainer.

ActonBell, I like the musical toilet idea.

Natasha, I guess it would be a waste of a good person to drag her around. I'm going to give her another chance. Or two.

LibbY, it's okay. Obviously SOMEONE has to like those trees. The store buyer thought they were a good idea after all. Maybe they'll be really cheap after XMAS. Should I pick one up for you?

Ivy said...

I've uhhhh.... heard of that old toilet-flushing camo trick...

Hey, I've never tried mall-walking but sounds like it sure beats the heck out of my 4:30 a.m. jog I used to do when the paper-guy hit me TWICE in two months with a flying newpaper. Oh well, at least maybe it made his day looking for me and aiming at me each morning.

Bela said...

TLP, I should read you first thing in the morning - well, first thing in the early pm - instead of very late at night: you make me laugh so much that I feel all energetic just before I have to go to bed and then I can't sleep b/c I'm still chuckling. Must revise my blog-reading habits. :-)

Tom & Icy said...

That's good you have a place to walk inside because it's so slick out there. I slipped on ice and fell and it sure is worse than falling when I was young. --Tom

neko said...

In case anyone actually wants to see a picture of what these little Japanese gizmos look like...
http://audibleintokyo.blogs.friendster.com/the_audible/2005/11/pshy.html#comments

All the ladies bathrooms at school have them. No hand towels though.

kenju said...

The Japanese are so smart. My mother-in-law always flushed before/during use of the toilet and again afterward.

Amber said...

I must be Japanese because I flush like 50 times! ahahahaha!

My husband can't believe it.

I say he's not anal enough. ;-P

Ivy said...


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