Thursday, June 02, 2005

Misspent Youth

Both Jamie Dawn and Ole Hoss have been telling stories about their misspent youth, so I got to thinking about my own.

I was a pretty good kid. Okay, bratty to my three older sisters. Oh, yeah, there was that thing where my peeps and I would put condoms on tailpipes (makes a nice exploding noise when people drive off), but that's harmless, no?

Okay, all right, my friends and I did a bunch of stupid phone call stunts, but everyone does that I'm sure. But at least I never tipped over an outhouse.

But I did pull at least one dumb ass, really stupid deed, although it was not on purpose.

I was about 14. My church was having a hayride to which all my girl friends were inviting dates. I definitely didn't want to go with a guy from church, and I definitely didn't want to be the only girl without a date, and I definitely had a crush on a guy in my Algebra class whose name was Doyle.

So I spend two days or so working up courage to call Doyle on the phone. Couldn't risk rejection face to face. I call him. I ask him to the hayride. He says he has to ask his mother, comes back to the phone and says, "My mother says that I have to go visit my aunt that Saturday."

Okay. I can take a hint. Don't have to hit me over the head with a hammer. I know that he just doesn't want to go with me on a hayride. He's just been using me for my Algebra talents. I'm crushed and embarrassed, but I'll live. So, I move on. I call a sweet, dependable, smart guy that I've known since third grade, and ask him to the hayride. He says, "Yes." I'm saved. I have a date.

But wait. Doyle calls me the next day and says, "My mom says that I can stay home when she goes to my aunt's house, so that I can go to the hayride with you." Hoo boy. I have one minute or less, to do the right thing and say, "I really, really wanted to take YOU to the hayride, but since you said 'No,' I already asked someone else. I'm sorry." Did I do the right thing? Heck no. I said, "Great!" I'm a pig.

Do I ask an adult what to do? Of course not! I do a Brady-bunch-agony-twist-in-the-wind for days. My girlfriends both at church and at school are all on the job trying to figure out what I should do. The day of the hayride is drawing closer. What to do, what to do?

GET SICK. It was the only answer. And I did get sick. Really sick. Truly sick. I actually got Scarlet Fever! What a relief! The only problem then was that I was too sick to use the phone. I had to confess to my oldest sister, Mary, so that she could call and cancel the dates for me. She yelled and fussed and carried on at me, "A*** N******* P******** (my whole, entire name) what were you thinking? How could you do such a thing?" What a hullabaloo and brouhaha. (I've been waiting all day to use those words.) She almost told my mother.

But Mary called both guys and cancelled for me, fussed at me some more, then perked up because doctors made house calls in those days and she thought the doctor was very handsome.

And that's my tom foolery story. (Thanks to Melissa W for that word.) Posted by Hello


The Lazy Iguana said...

That is not so bad. I have tried to hook up with two dates at once for years, and never managed to do so. Oh well.

My "winner" moment has to be the time my parents went on vacation and I decided to stay home. I got really drunk and passed out. But not just anywhere. Oh no, I had to do it up madman style.

I passed out on my front lawn. Naked. And I left the front door open so the stupid dogs could roam around all night. At 6:30 AM my neighbor got up to go to work, and discovered my drunken passed out naked ass. So he did what any good neighbor would do, wake me up with the garden hose. Then he made me scoop poop from his lawn. Then I had to clean up the scattered evidence (beer cans and such).

As an 18 year old male, I learned nothing. Well not exactly nothing. I never did pass out in my front yard again. At least not naked.

jevanking™ said...

Linked on Tan Lucy's site? How about that :)...

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Lazy Iguana, that's a great story. Makes my youth look so tame! I bet you have some other misspent-youth stories.

Jevanking, I read your blog everyday. So, don't be skipping blogging days, okay?

AP3 said...

Tan, that was a TOTAL Brady Bunch episode! That very thing happened to Marsha Brady, about 15 -20 years after it happened to you! She learned a VALUABLE LESSON. I hope you did, too.

jevanking™ said...

That post is so awesome! Instead of saying MARSHA-MARSHA-MARSHA we will now yell LUCY-LUCY-LUCY. :)

Skipping blogging days? I must be missing something here---again I'm a slow idiot.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

It is funny when we share all the Brady Bush moments that lurk inside all of our closets.

A great post, indeed.

dddragon said...

It's totally funny when your mother has done worse (ahem) things than you ever have!

Or do I have repressed memories?

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Oh dddragon, I think you did a few things yourself. I once called you when you were a student at Penn State, only to hear your roommate tell me that you had gone to a party in W. Virginia. "Huh? She what where?"

dddragon said...

LOL -- not a party, a Science Fiction Convention at the Univ. of West Virginia. A bunch of us from U.F.S.T.F. carpooled down for the weekend. We got to meet Harlan Ellison, who is a BIG time SF writer.

We did have a Deliverance experience ... that was scary.

dddragon said...

U.F.S.T.F. = United Federation of Star Trek Fans. But we read/watched anything SciFi.

Raine said...

The worse thing I did was go joyriding in my mom's car and side swiped a pole in the store parking lot causing hundreds of dollars in damage to the car. That's what I call "misspent", lol.

Raine said...

dddragon: I love that you didn't go to a party but instead a Star Trek convention. Now that is very cool.

Jamie Dawn said...

First, I must compliment you on your fabulous usage of the English language.

Second, I want to put condoms on tailpipes. I've never done that.

Third, I think God was punishing you by giving you Scarlet Fever. God does that you know.