Monday, June 13, 2005

Attack cat

dddragon posts today that it is her cat Chatham's 18th birthday. Chatham was our first grandcat. Actually our first grandpet of any kind. Makes sense because dddragon is our oldest child. She will tell you just the nice things about this cat. But I have my own story.

Last year when they were preparing to go on vacation, ddd's husband (she refers to him as DH on her blog. Aral had made his pez Nod Donald Duck Pez I think. Ummmm. Maybe the DH stands for "dumb husband." I don't want to be caught calling one of my sons-in-law dumb, so I'll call him Nod.) ANYHOO--where was I?

Okay. Last year Nod decided that he was not going to go with ddd and the grandtwins on vacation because Chatham was taking medicine for his liver (I think maybe he's a closet drinker. The cat I mean, not the son-in-law.) and only Nod was able to get this medicine down the cat's throat. Normally I take care of the cats whenever their family is away.

I said, "Hey, I can do this. Go with the family!" So, I was invited to their house to prove that I could in fact get these pills into Chatham. I went over there, grabbed the cat by the back of his neck, pulled his head back, put the pill down his throat, and that was that. Nod was impressed. No problem, he can go on vacation.

So, each day while they're away I go over, get the pill into Chatham, hang around for an hour 'cause he can't eat until an hour after the pill. Then I feed the cats and hang around to keep Salem from eating Chatham's food. Salem is a pig. Well, Salem is a cat, but you know what I mean.

I go back at night of course to feed them, scoop the poop---my very favorite thing, and just in general give them "turn down" service at the old hotel. These are pampered kitties.

Now, Chatham is getting a little bit more difficult to locate each morning. He hides here and there, often under a bed, but lots of different places, trying to avoid the bitch with the pill. He can't actually run...too old and too sick. He's a crafty critter, but I always catch him and give him the pill.

By day four he starts hissing at me frequently and fiercely. That cat.

By day five when I arrive there's a shotgun in a package on the front porch. That darn cat has logged onto the Internet and ordered a gun to use to take me out. HA! He can't unlock the door to get at the gun, so his plans are spoiled. I call UPS and send the weapon back. Hope ddd and Nod got a refund for it. Forgot to ask.

I'm still getting that pill down him every morning. Day six, I check the cookies on the cat computer (told you they're spoiled) and find that Chatham has contacted a hit man to get me. HA again! I'll just be careful. Park down the street, sneak in through the back. Like that.

Guess the cat had had enough. Next morning when I looked for him, he's right out in the open. Hmmm... I know something's up. I'm cautious. Too cautious in fact. I'm a little tentative when I give the pill, and he manages to spit it out. I grab it, and when I do, the little beastie bites my hand. A deep piercing hook of a bite. I had to pull his tooth out of my hand. But I get that pill in. So there! Take that!

I wash the hand. I mean, it's just a cat bite for gosh sakes. I must have been bitten by a cat before. But no, wait, it's swelling up. Looking funny. Can't call the doctor for a cat bite! Too silly. Too trivial. Next day, the hand and arm are a lot of different, interesting colors, and really, really BIG. It's going up my arm. So I call the doctor's office, scared that they would laugh in my ear. No, they don't laugh. "GET IN HERE," they say.

Turns out that lots of people end up on intravenous antibiotics for cat bits. Not me. I'm tough enough for a cat. I just have to take antibiotics for 10 days.

Happy birthday Chatham...and many more.

 Posted by Hello


AP3 said...

I'm just glad you're not bitter.

dddragon said...

Hey, "DH" stands for Dear Husband.


And Chatham sez "same to you"

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Adding a cat to the pez family is a great idea.

Now, could you please explain how you are all related, by blood, marriage or partnership! I thought I had it down, but now I'm confused.

dddragon said...


Tan Lucy is the mother of dddragon, Lucinda Sans and Aral Pez.

On Aral's blog:
dddragon is also known as alled Mickey Mouse Pez ('cause I have a degree in Animation)

Lucinda Sans = Rahs Speedy Gonzalez Pez ('cause she runs)

dddragon refers to her daughters as Kiddies A&B ('cause they're twins), Aral refers to them as Tak Simba Pez and Haras Pickachu Pez.

Me Wonder Woman Pez is Aral's wife.

I call my husband DH (or SO in the past), he is referred to as Nod Donald Duck Pez elsewhere.

Lucinda San's husband is EkiM Road Runner Pez (cause he also runs).

Tan Lucy's husband (our dad) is Niks Brainy Smurf Pez. When Aral was a kid, she started calling dad "skinhead" 'cause he's bald. Later shortened to just 'skin'. Tan is also known as 'bush', short for "bushhead" 'cause of the hair style way back when.

dddragon, Lucinda & Aral's brother, Nivek Army Ranger Pez, died in 1991.

Just looking at all of this makes me dizzy. No wonder you asked for clarification!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

I, tanlucypez, am the mother of three daughteers: dddragon, Aral Peppermint Patty Pez, and Lucinda Sans.

dddragon has twin daughters who have pez names but are called kiddie a and kiddie b on dddragon's blog. They also have their own blog names. kiddie b calls herself Goa'uld on her blog, but Aral P3 calls this twin Tak Simba Pez.

One reason there is confusion is that aralP3 started her blog, and then the rest of us started blogs. Aral had given everyone in the family a pez name. So while Aral called dddragon's husband Nod Donald Duck Pez, ddd calls him DH on her blog. Lucinda's husband is Ekim Roadrunner Pez on Aral's blog, usually just Ekim on Lucinda's. Of course, I call both Ekim and Nod, son-in-law, since they both are my sons-in-law.

Aral gave ddd the name Alled Mickey Mouse Pez. The other twin is Haras Pickachu Pez, and Lucinda is Rahs Speedy Gonzalez Pez.

Aral P3 is married to Me Wonderwoman Pez. (In MA, lesbians can legally marry.) They were both married to men in their earlier lives, and they have a daughter Aved Princess Leia Pez from Me Wonderwoman's first marriage.

And if you were not confused before, I'm sure you are now!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

ROFLMAO! Didn't realize that dddragon was answering you just as I was answering you. Of course we all have REAL names too!

AP3 said...

Now I'M confused! ;-P

actonbell said...

LOL, tan lucy! Great Chatham story.AND, happy bday to Chatham--he's and old fart.

dddragon said...

You don't want to be around Chatham when he farts. Almost as bad as Pebbles' breath ... do you remember that?

The Lazy Iguana said...

Good thing the cat pills were not in supository form. That would have been.....uhhh.....ugly.

GodlessMom said...

Cat bites can be so ugly! You have a very cool family.

Anonymous said...

I'm not even going to try to untangle that family tree (in the comments, whew!) Is the cat that bit you an outside or an inside cat? That makes a big difference (in bites). Rambo is de-clawed - front only - so he uses his fangs to get me. I immediately pour copious amounts of peroxide on the wound. So far, so good. I can tell when he's going to atttack, his eyes give him away. He is a rotten animal and I really should kick his ass out. But I can't. I love him. I am not a well person. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

I have a large copy of that kitten aiming his gun out the door, if you want it. Or -- Duh! -- you probably already have a bigger copy and just chose to use the thumbnail. I'm going to fall back on my very best excuse.....I am very old and senile. Works every time. Hah.

Christine said...

I don't know which is funnier, the entry or the comments! Thanks for the laugh.

jevanking™ said...

So well written. Dumb husband. HILARIOUS!