A coupla three of you have wondered about my brother-in-law, Owen. Some seem to think that I may have cut him up into little pieces and stowed him in a closet. Something like that. Please, try to be serious. I'm not gonna stink up my closets like that! Somethin' like that would probably stink up the whole house. Pretty fast. 'Course if I crank up the AC, it might take longer....just a thought. But no. No. That would just be wrong. Not going to do something like that.
Anyway, I don't want Owen dead. Just gone. Gone from my house. Gone from my life would be okay too.
Seriously, I don't hate him. I merely dislike him. A lot. A whole, whole lot. He's been a bit of a thorn in my side forever, but when he left his wife of about 35 years right after she had a mastectomy because of cancer, he kinda sorta got on my permanent shit-list. Like forever. And a day. Maybe add one more day. Like that.
So, when I learned that he was coming to visit us, I put on a smile and said to the husband, "that's fine." It's possible that it appeared that I was actually clenching my teeth and saying, "that's fine," the way teenagers say it when they really mean, "bite me." But that would be wrong. I'm not like that. Under normal circumstances.
Anyway, get to the point here TLP.
The day that Owen is to arrive, I am busy. I walk at 6:30 AM, go to Acton Bell's place to feed and love the cat, go home, clean house, put clean sheets on the bed in a guest room, make room for Owen in the closet....for his clothes and stuff...not his body. So now I need a shower (badly) and then I need to take off for an appointment, grab a bite to eat, and go person-sit (something like baby-sit only with a grown person) with dddragon's ailing mother-in-law.
My husband, Owen's baby brother, is just sitting around. Drinking coffee, reading the paper. Like that. I have written before that Niks, the husband, always manages to be out of the house a lot when Owen is around. He won't admit that he's not fond of Owen, but he just somehow, sorta not-on-purpose, has things to do that keep him out, and me stuck with Owen.
So, true to form, Niks calls upstairs to me, "I have to go see Dave now." WTF?
"Owen is coming at around 1:00 PM," I yell back.
"I'll be back by one!" Oh, yeah. Like there is any chance of that!
So he leaves. I get into the shower. Just the very minute I step out of the shower, the doorbell rings. DAMN. I am NOT going to run downstairs in a towel and let Owen in. Dirty old man is just one of his more-endearing traits.
So as I am drying off, it just came to me: I am not going to go down and open the door. Period. Just not going to do it. No discussion. No one to talk me out of it. I'm just going to pretend that no one is home.
Problem: I gotta get outta here to my appointment and more importantly, I can't be late to go person-sit. Now, I have waited too long to go to the door. It would look very strange if I suddenly go open the door now. He's stopped ringing the bell.
What to do? I hit upon a plan. I'll put all my stuff into my car so's I'm all ready to go. Then I'll start the car before I open the garage door using the remote opener from the car. I'm ready. I can see Owen's car parked in the driveway, but it's to the side which will not block my car coming out. I don't see Owen, which I hope means he can't see ME.
If he sees me, I'll say, "Oh, Owen! You're here." So clever. Like he doesn't know he's here.
"I left the front door unlocked in case you got here before Niks returned." This will be true, since I slithered to the front door on my belly, in case he was looking through the long window in the door and would see me, and reached up and unlocked it just before starting in on my escape.
So, I'm in the car. Start the car. Open the garage door. Slowly back out. I'll be late for my duties if I run over Owen. He can't move very fast.
Don't see Owen. Musta gone for a walk down the street. Okay! I'm getting away. Oh! wait! There he is. He's lying down. On the grass under the pine trees in the side yard. His back is to me. His face is turned away. He's facing the side street. (We live on a corner.) He hasn't heard me. Hasn't seen me. I could call out to him. Woulda been the nice thing to do. Coulda yelled, "Hey Owen! The door is unlocked."
But NOOooooooooo. I continue backing out. I'm to the street now. I swing around. Start forward. Still could have turned right at the corner, caught his attention and told him the door was open. But NO. I turn left. I'm outta there! In my rearview mirror I can see him sleeping on the grass. Looks like a drunk lying in the yard there. Cops might see him and stop. Motorists might have a wreck just seein' him there. Maybe think he's dead or something like that. But I'm gone.
I really did have a tinge of guilt over this. But Friends! Friends are so wonderful. My friend Crys heard my confession. Laughed at the deed. Laughed at the idea that it was so bad.
So I really need to think of something else to do to Owen if I want to be evil. Which I don't. I'm good with the way things are. I'm pious and all that.