Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Welcome Mat

A coupla three of you have wondered about my brother-in-law, Owen. Some seem to think that I may have cut him up into little pieces and stowed him in a closet. Something like that. Please, try to be serious. I'm not gonna stink up my closets like that! Somethin' like that would probably stink up the whole house. Pretty fast. 'Course if I crank up the AC, it might take longer....just a thought. But no. No. That would just be wrong. Not going to do something like that.

Anyway, I don't want Owen dead. Just gone. Gone from my house. Gone from my life would be okay too.
Seriously, I don't hate him. I merely dislike him. A lot. A whole, whole lot. He's been a bit of a thorn in my side forever, but when he left his wife of about 35 years right after she had a mastectomy because of cancer, he kinda sorta got on my permanent shit-list. Like forever. And a day. Maybe add one more day. Like that.

So, when I learned that he was coming to visit us, I put on a smile and said to the husband, "that's fine." It's possible that it appeared that I was actually clenching my teeth and saying, "that's fine," the way teenagers say it when they really mean, "bite me." But that would be wrong. I'm not like that. Under normal circumstances.

Anyway, get to the point here TLP.

The day that Owen is to arrive, I am busy. I walk at 6:30 AM, go to Acton Bell's place to feed and love the cat, go home, clean house, put clean sheets on the bed in a guest room, make room for Owen in the closet....for his clothes and stuff...not his body. So now I need a shower (badly) and then I need to take off for an appointment, grab a bite to eat, and go person-sit (something like baby-sit only with a grown person) with dddragon's ailing mother-in-law.

My husband, Owen's baby brother, is just sitting around. Drinking coffee, reading the paper. Like that. I have written before that Niks, the husband, always manages to be out of the house a lot when Owen is around. He won't admit that he's not fond of Owen, but he just somehow, sorta not-on-purpose, has things to do that keep him out, and me stuck with Owen.

So, true to form, Niks calls upstairs to me, "I have to go see Dave now." WTF?

"Owen is coming at around 1:00 PM," I yell back.

"I'll be back by one!" Oh, yeah. Like there is any chance of that!

So he leaves. I get into the shower. Just the very minute I step out of the shower, the doorbell rings. DAMN. I am NOT going to run downstairs in a towel and let Owen in. Dirty old man is just one of his more-endearing traits.

So as I am drying off, it just came to me: I am not going to go down and open the door. Period. Just not going to do it. No discussion. No one to talk me out of it. I'm just going to pretend that no one is home.

Problem: I gotta get outta here to my appointment and more importantly, I can't be late to go person-sit. Now, I have waited too long to go to the door. It would look very strange if I suddenly go open the door now. He's stopped ringing the bell.

What to do? I hit upon a plan. I'll put all my stuff into my car so's I'm all ready to go. Then I'll start the car before I open the garage door using the remote opener from the car. I'm ready. I can see Owen's car parked in the driveway, but it's to the side which will not block my car coming out. I don't see Owen, which I hope means he can't see ME.

If he sees me, I'll say, "Oh, Owen! You're here." So clever. Like he doesn't know he's here.
"I left the front door unlocked in case you got here before Niks returned." This will be true, since I slithered to the front door on my belly, in case he was looking through the long window in the door and would see me, and reached up and unlocked it just before starting in on my escape.

So, I'm in the car. Start the car. Open the garage door. Slowly back out. I'll be late for my duties if I run over Owen. He can't move very fast.

Don't see Owen. Musta gone for a walk down the street. Okay! I'm getting away. Oh! wait! There he is. He's lying down. On the grass under the pine trees in the side yard. His back is to me. His face is turned away. He's facing the side street. (We live on a corner.) He hasn't heard me. Hasn't seen me. I could call out to him. Woulda been the nice thing to do. Coulda yelled, "Hey Owen! The door is unlocked."

But NOOooooooooo. I continue backing out. I'm to the street now. I swing around. Start forward. Still could have turned right at the corner, caught his attention and told him the door was open. But NO. I turn left. I'm outta there! In my rearview mirror I can see him sleeping on the grass. Looks like a drunk lying in the yard there. Cops might see him and stop. Motorists might have a wreck just seein' him there. Maybe think he's dead or something like that. But I'm gone.

I really did have a tinge of guilt over this. But Friends! Friends are so wonderful. My friend Crys heard my confession. Laughed at the deed. Laughed at the idea that it was so bad.

So I really need to think of something else to do to Owen if I want to be evil. Which I don't. I'm good with the way things are. I'm pious and all that.


AP3 said...

That's so awesome! Owen has that coming, and SOOOooooo much more!

What kind of weirdo sleeps on someone's lawn -- next to a busy street -- waiting for someone to return home? I mean, really. Par for the course for Owen, but truly bizarre behavior.

Your bizarre response was only fitting!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

So, wait, you're sayin' that my behavior was bizarre? Gee, I dunno how I feel about that. Mean. Okay. Bizarre? Well, I guess I'm okay with that too. It was just a tad strange I guess.

Wonder what the neighbors are thinkin'?

AP3 said...

Well, your response was truly appropriate given Owen. It would only be bizarre in a different context.

I haven't seen owen in about 20 years, and I'm glad.

dddragon said...

Especially since he had already been knockin' on doors, wondering if he had gotten to the wrong house. Not like you guys haven't lived in the same house since 1973.
Not long enough for him.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Ha! Moved, left no forwarding address.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Do you think a tool shed word work?

I am laughing and emphathasing at the same time! I know how relatives can pull our chains, and take us to unhealthy places.

Maybe while is on the lawn, he can do some weeding!!!

BTW: I love what you wrote on AP3's blog...You are a wonderful, supportive mother...My hat is off to you, madam!

Goa'uld said...

LOL! The Nox already told me what happened, but it's still hilarious in the way you tell it! Great job ;-)

Doug The Una said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! That was worth the wait. Not to encourage you, or anything. Wouldn't want to do that!

Fred said...

That was definitely worth the wait. I can see why he's on your permanent sh*t-list. In fact, while he was sleeping, you could've pointed some sewage his way. That way, you could have legitimately called him sh*thead.

schnoodlepooh said...

I'm laughing at your deed also. You are hilarious. I'm glad you did that. Good for you.

natasha said...

Wow. I love you, Luce! :D

kenju said...

He's on my permanent sh*t list too, since he left his wife after the mastectomy. I think what you did was brilliant! You need feel no guilt at all!

Jamie Dawn said...

You crawling on your tummy to quietly unlock the door had me really chuckling.
Suppose Owen would have opened that door just as you were slithering back. What a riot!
My mom puts people on a bad list, and once someone is on that list, it is nearly impossible to get off it. Owen sounds like he deserves to be on your Bad List.
I was at the doc's and the hospital nearly ALL day and now I'm back at my hotel. My hubby gets here late tonight and I have surgery tomorrow morning.
I'll be back to posting at my site and visiting my internet "pen pals" by Monday.
Enjoy your weekend!

The Lazy Iguana said...

You are awesome. That was uber-slick. The only thing that would have made it better would be IF you had a lawn sprinkler system, and on your way out bumped the timer up or down a few hours. You know, so that it went off 5 minutes after you pulled away.

Here are some other things you can do.

1. Deer ticks in his bedding.
2. Sneezing powder on his pillow.
3. Itching powder on he laundry.
4. laxative in the food (put a candle in the can first!!)
5. conspire with a neighbor to call the police and report a "crazy homeless guy" sleeping under random trees. Add in "and using sides of houses as a toilet" just for the heck of it.

Boobabe said...

When I hear the name Owen I think of an old drunk that used to live in my town. He had a big red nose and cheeks. That's how I picture your owen.

Doug The Una said...

Don't I remember him sleeping on your lawn another time?

AP3 said...

Yes, Doug, Owen seems to like to sleep in the Pez family lawn. He's a nut. And that's the nicest thing I can say about him.

still life said...

Classic moves...i applaud you!
The slithering on the belly sold me for life.
Listen, if he feels so comfotable with these repeat performances of sleeping on lawns, well pitch him a tent in the backyard. alot of dogs are happy in their doghouses.

GodlessMom said...

Brilliant! I've always wanted to do something like that to my brother in law but I've never had the cojones!

Libby said...

you are my inspiration! but, thank God, my brother-in-law isn't like Owen! And I was also going to suggest you call the cops anonymously, and say you were driving by, and saw him pee-in' on a house, & you think you saw him looking in their window..
BoUnCeS!! LibbY!

Meegan said...

TLP, you are HILARIOUS!!!! I especially love the slithering to the door part. I'm dying to meet Owen, just out of curiosity.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Thanks for all the support gang! Boy, some of you have great crafty minds for this kinda stuff! I should have asked for ideas before he came.

I'm staying out of the house as much as possible. Currently hanging out at Acton Bell's with her cat.

Amber said...

I was thinking as I was reading that maybe your husband had left the door open for Owen himself, knowing that you might pull such a thing and juuuuust as you were crawling on your belly to unlock the door, Owen opens it! BUSTED!

"What are you doing on the floor?"

"Ummm...uuhhh...I was, uh..."

Oh, god...that would suck, wouldn't it?

See how my brain works? Primed to failure! ;-P

Seriously, hope Owen's little visit from hell is a brief one.

Klondike Kate said...

ROTFL - that was great! I'm not going to suggest anything devious - I really think you'll find appropriate action on your own! You're great!

Minka said...

Wow, I don´t know if I could do that...but I think in a waste-of-space case like is only appropriate! Well done. Little wave in celebration of TLP.

A Little Bar of Soap said...

What filth! What vile behavior! Devil, get thee OUT!

Monique said...

That was classic!

red-queen said...

ROFLMAO! Your solution was PERFECT! As you say, you can still be all pious...and certainly forgiven if you were hoping he'd fallen asleep on a dog turd or something.

I'm only sorry his name is Owen - that's what we named one of our greyhounds. He's a very nice doggie, with none of the personality disorders your brother-in-law seems to suffer.

Tom & Icy said...

That was a great read. You can make an interesting story out of anything!