Tuesday, September 06, 2005


A friend of mine has been victimized big time.

Now, most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while that person was passed out drunk. 'Course that was one of those urban legends. But my friend's story is true.

Her thighs were stolen from her during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. She went to sleep in her body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to this person? Those legs had been hers for years.

Whose thighs were these that she now has and what happened to the ones she used to have? Inquiring minds want to know. Need to know.

She spent the entire summer looking for her thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, she resigned herself to living out her life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, when her guard was down, the thief or thieves struck again.
Her butt was next. She knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match the new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than her original butt) to the thighs they stuck her with earlier. Now, her rear complemented her legs, lump for lump. Frantic, she prayed that long skirts would come into fashion. Like that. Or big flare pants.

Then about two years ago she realized her arms had been switched. Those guys!
One morning she was fixing her hair, and she watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of her upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. Folks, this is really scary.

Her body was being replaced one section at a time.
How clever and fiendish.

Age? No. Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. You know. NOPE, she was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, she gave up T-shirts. Heck, her poor neck disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembles.

That's why I decided to tell her story. She can't take on the medical profession by herself. We all have to help. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?

BTW,my friend thinks she may have finally found her thighs... and she hopes that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

I know that anyone who reads my blog knows that this is a serious issue. Have I ever lied to you? Or even exaggerated?


dddragon said...

OMYGOD it's all I can do to not scream in laughter.

And I would, but DH is here and I don't want to have to read it out loud or explain it. You KNOW how that makes a good - ahem - story lose its flavor.

Jamie Dawn said...

So THAT'S what's happening!
Good Lord! And I've been trying to lose weight lately to get these alien parts in shape.
Call Terri Hatcher! I want my butt back!
As for the boobs, sadly, there's no one to call.
These little things have always been mine. I guess they're not worth stealing. At least they're perky!

Amber said...

This was just too, too funny...and enlightening!

I was wondering what's been happening; now I know.

Invoices from me going out to ALL supermodels, STAT! ;-)

mireille said...

everytime I think you can't get funnier, you do. heh. xoxoxo p.s. hope your friend gets lucky and finds those thighs, that butt, those upper arms, that ... oh God, where will it end? xoxo

actonbell said...

LOL! It's not save to sleep, anymore.

still life said...

Lord knows that I barely get sleep as it is!
Now I have to worry about being robbed...how will I even know?...I can't even feel my butt and thighs...
oh Looorrrrrrd...help me!

AP3 said...

Those guys must love me... they keep giving me MORE thigh, MORE butt, MORE everything!

Doug said...

That was a riot, TLP. Thanks for the laugh.

Oh my. Look at the time.

KristieD said...

Wow, that was so funny! thanks for brightening my evening. :)


Fred said...

Is it April Fool's Day already?

still life said...

does anyone still see doug's avatar anymore? for the last 3 days i've only seen a little red x.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Very cute.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Yes, Still Life, I can see Doug's dog. I do sometimes see an "x" for the symbols, but I always see Doug's okay.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

I want to laugh, but the wrinkles on my lips are getting in the way!!!

Lately, the idea of cosmetic surgery has been looming large inside of me as well!!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

These are probably the same guys who replaced a lot of my skin with scar tissue.

nongirlfriend said...

Came here from the most genius Bug's Butt. LOVE your blog!

By the way, Gisele has had my thighs for years, that bitch.

Hale McKay said...

I have always suspected Arnold Schwarzeneggar of stealing my abs and pecs.

Bela said...


I think I'm safe: no one would lift my face to use instead of theirs.

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