Friday, January 06, 2006

Just a bunch of nothin'

Radio question of the day:
What is the most common fib someone will tell to someone they've just met?

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I've decided to learn at least one new thing everyday this year. This is what I learned today: The average garden snail (not one that has entered the Olympics 100 meters race) moves at around 0.03 mph. If a snail set out on New Year's Day 2005, and walked non-stop it would have travelled 263 miles by New Year's Day 2006. If you walked this same distance non-stop you would complete it in around three days. You guys! You musta stopped for lunch or somethin'. So I learned that snails can walk. I didn't know that.

Ya know why chocolate is better than a man?
Chocolate never tries to chat up your best friend. ( I was gonna say, chocolate is better than a man because after telling your chocolate bar all your worries you can simply eat it. But I decided against that. So I did NOT say that. So don't go there.)

Today when I did the wash, and then I took the stuff out of the washer, I discovered that there musta been a tissue in the pocket of something. Of course, the entire laundry came out covered with lint. Don'tcha hate that? How can one measly little Kleenex go so far?

That's as bad as the days when you start to hang up the clothes you wore home from the party you went to the night before... and there aren't any. Don'tcha hate that? Speaking of waking up in the morning, did ya ever notice that men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed? We women somehow deteriorate during the night. What's up with that?

Oh! I learned somethin' else today! It's a household tip: Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Just cross out the names and address of people you don't know. Sweet!

Something else I learned is that putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. But that's just wrong. Don't waste gin like that.

Lotsa people are complaining about gaining weight over the holidays. I do know a diet tip: You can lose weight fast by eating raw chicken or rancid tuna. The food poisoning/diarrhea that you get will enable you to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. I haven't tested that. I didn't gain weight this year. Let me know if it works.

Of course if you've paid attention to this site during the past year you would know how to avoid that weight gain in the first place. I've told you before that anything consumed while standing up has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. You haven't been sitting at the table, have you?

Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. Naturally you can't be eating unbroken cookies. That goes without saying. Plus if you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you've been eating in front of people, well, you're just askin' for it.

An exception to this is, if you eat with someone else, you have to eat off their plate. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

I gotta get busy here watching television. It's Washington Week In Review night. You all know how cultured I am and stuff. I can't be wasting time blogging. I sure wasted your time though.

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Answer to the radio question of the day:
What they do for a living.

Huh! Now that makes no sense whatsoever! I'm surprised at you guys.

36 comments:

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

What an intersting idea and fact about those snails, unknown to me!

I like your plan to learn one thing new each year.

Monique said...

I thought the answer to the radio question was going to be: "It's nice to meet you."

Is that gin in the goldfhish bowl from personal experience??

actonbell said...

Snails SLIME, Mom. If you're not gonna eat'em, get out the salt and kill'em.

I like your second reason for like chocolate better.

Guys look as handsome in the morning because WE are more forgiving. We judge with our hearts.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Next time I get a wild hair up my ass to set up another fish tank, I have to try that gin thing.

natasha said...

You know, your alternate chocolate-is-better-than-men theory works if you just happen to be a praying mantis. I thought chocolate was better because it's always satisfying. But hey, maybe I jus' need more worldly experience. Or maybe my men do ...

mireille said...

actonbell is right. xoxo

Savtadotty said...

I like the part where the calories cling and go off together into the sunset. Do they walk or slime? I wonder whether they read self-help books to learn how to sabotage weight-loss programs?

lime said...

i wanna know why tissues don' tgo that far when youactually use them for the intended purpose.

and your weight loss paln is revolutionary. i think you should hit the talk show circuit!

youare one funny lady! i love it!

Jamie Dawn said...

Wow! You shared a plethora of crap today! Well done!
That Kleenex lint thing really does make you wanna cuss, because you have to rerun the whole load again to get rid of the lint. I love finding money though!!

Doug said...

That was a great going-to-bed-before-10-on-a-Friday-night-I-have-no-life laugh. Thanks! I'll have to try that with the phone book.

kenju said...

Just too funny, TLP. Thanks for the laughs tonight!

Ivy the Goober said...

Wow, you've learned a lot! And thanks to you, I have too!

Peter said...

You never waste our time Lucy!!!

AP3 said...

You are silly, TLP. I blame you for my silliness.

Why would people lie about what they DO for a living? Seems hard to hide!

Wendy said...

For once I actually GOT the answer to the radio question before reading it! So many people are ashamed of what they do for a living - they seem to think they should all be the equivalent of Luke Skywalker or Indiana Jones. They just don't GET it. It's not what you do...it's WHO you ARE.

(How did I know that answer? I worked in marketing for a few years...the shallowest profession in existence.)

still life said...

Question of the day is a good one...it's probably similar to the résumé plumping that people do on job interviews! Who knew?

I do like the plate sharing phenomena... which will also help to promote basic human goodwill!

Keith said...

Fascinating! If you want to learn all about insignificant and meaningless data, then just visit TLP's page!

Failing that, visit MINE if you really like reading twaddle!

sherle said...

WOW!!! I really learnt a lot taday!!! Don't try that raw chicken diet though... it don't work! ;-)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well of course we lie if it's worthwhile. I once ambushed a cocktail party for a bunch of insurance guys, convincing one of them that in just three years I had become a "million-dollar man." He was really impressed, while I ate his deviled eggs and iced shrimp.

I did this just for laughs. On telling it to my buddies later, we ALL laughed.

Fred said...

I never lied about what I did for a living when I was in the corporate world. It's just that it was too darned complicated to explain, so I didn't talk about it that much. Plus, I wan't all that happy about being the guy who prepared the paperwork for those leaving by "mutual consent."

Now, I'm a teacher. It requires no explanation, yet I talk about it much more.

I'm prouder of the latter more than the former.

Canadian Dude said...

I agree with Fred on the answering what I do for a living thing. It's just too complicated, so I just say, "I work for(insert name of the company).

That usually that leads to the next question, "Oh, do you know (insert name of some you've fired)."

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

A lot of funny stuff Tan Lucy...
Thanks for all the wonderful useless info on Calories...should I tell them all that at Weight Watchers??? (LOL)..
Seriously there were some very interesting informational stuff on your blog today, and I for one feel fullfilled!

Jemima said...

Homebaked stuff has approximately ten percent fewer calories than shop bought. Even if it's homebaked uncooked whipped cream: fact!

I love the idea about the phone directory, well I laughed at it, which sounds similar to loved. I wonder how many associates you'd need to make this method a better use of time than just writing down the names and numbers you need. Some people's handwriting is so bad, though! I may try it.

Lorraine said...

You are one great old broad, Pez....you know? And sooooo funny. Thanks for this laugh-filled, pants-wetting post! !

schnoodlepooh said...

Free food has no calories either.

You make me laugh.

And I don't lie about what I do for a living. Hmmmm... wonder what's up with that???

anywherebutTX said...

I dated an IRS agent for awhile... He even wanted me to lie to my parents about what he did for a living!

Janet said...

How come the Kleenex never seems to last as long when you actually use it on your nose? Maybe it's the water. Maybe water causes tissues to grow or something. I'm just saying. It's something to think about.

Libby said...

i really don't give a crap about the kleenex in the washer & dryer...what bothers me is when I forget to take my bubblegum out of my pockets before I put my jeans in the washer/dryer!!

Tom & Icy said...

That's interesting. Learn a new thing each day, but it seems I forget something each day.

Minka said...

I tried to read the phone book once through. I just couldn´t keep all the main characters straight. It sure is a difficult read. Than I tried teh Bible...same thing there. Aaron begot Jason and he was 345 years, when Samson begot ....
I tell you, too many characters just mess up the plot!

Lucy said...

What a stitch...

I know i've always hated that men look good all the time. Not only do i look terrible in the a.m... i sometimes look like i came out of the hamper by midday.

Now how did you decide to learn about snails? Was one hanging around the house or something?

Mike said...

Yeah....give us the scoop on your interest in snails.

Amber said...

I love reading YOU, TLP! You crack me up so hard

(And, shhh...you didn't see me here; I'm supposed to be working. Imagine that, like they think that check they give me means they own me or something. Go figure!)

Sar said...

"days when you start to hang up the clothes you wore home from the party you went to the night before... and there aren't any."

That gets my vote for most unexpected gut busting funniest line so far this year.

Jeesh you make me laugh a lot. Not that I'm complaining!

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