Just a bunch of nothin'

Radio question of the day:
What is the most common fib someone will tell to someone they've just met?

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I've decided to learn at least one new thing everyday this year. This is what I learned today: The average garden snail (not one that has entered the Olympics 100 meters race) moves at around 0.03 mph. If a snail set out on New Year's Day 2005, and walked non-stop it would have travelled 263 miles by New Year's Day 2006. If you walked this same distance non-stop you would complete it in around three days. You guys! You musta stopped for lunch or somethin'. So I learned that snails can walk. I didn't know that.

Ya know why chocolate is better than a man?
Chocolate never tries to chat up your best friend. ( I was gonna say, chocolate is better than a man because after telling your chocolate bar all your worries you can simply eat it. But I decided against that. So I did NOT say that. So don't go there.)

Today when I did the wash, and then I took the stuff out of the washer, I discovered that there musta been a tissue in the pocket of something. Of course, the entire laundry came out covered with lint. Don'tcha hate that? How can one measly little Kleenex go so far?

That's as bad as the days when you start to hang up the clothes you wore home from the party you went to the night before... and there aren't any. Don'tcha hate that? Speaking of waking up in the morning, did ya ever notice that men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed? We women somehow deteriorate during the night. What's up with that?

Oh! I learned somethin' else today! It's a household tip: Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Just cross out the names and address of people you don't know. Sweet!

Something else I learned is that putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. But that's just wrong. Don't waste gin like that.

Lotsa people are complaining about gaining weight over the holidays. I do know a diet tip: You can lose weight fast by eating raw chicken or rancid tuna. The food poisoning/diarrhea that you get will enable you to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. I haven't tested that. I didn't gain weight this year. Let me know if it works.

Of course if you've paid attention to this site during the past year you would know how to avoid that weight gain in the first place. I've told you before that anything consumed while standing up has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. You haven't been sitting at the table, have you?

Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. Naturally you can't be eating unbroken cookies. That goes without saying. Plus if you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you've been eating in front of people, well, you're just askin' for it.

An exception to this is, if you eat with someone else, you have to eat off their plate. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

I gotta get busy here watching television. It's Washington Week In Review night. You all know how cultured I am and stuff. I can't be wasting time blogging. I sure wasted your time though.

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Answer to the radio question of the day:
What they do for a living.

Huh! Now that makes no sense whatsoever! I'm surprised at you guys.