Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Diet and Excercise

Radio question of the day:

8% of those polled say they plan to do "this" with at least one of the gifts they received at Christmas...

******************

I learned some health stuff today. Nothing really new. Just some reminders.

Like I've always heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong your life. But it turns out it ain't necessarily so. Seems your heart is just good for so many beats, and that's it. Then it's done for. So don't waste your heartbeats on exercise. You'll just wear it out. It's like tryin' to extend the life of your car by driving it faster. If you want to live longer, just take a nap.

I always thought that I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and veggies. But I just didn't grasp logistical efficiencies. I mean, what does a cow eat? We know it's hay and corn. And hay and corn are vegetables. So beef is just a really efficient way of getting your vegetables. If you need more grain, eat chicken. I imagine that a pork chop might give you 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Pigs eat a bunch of slop. And slops just mostly old moldy veggies. It's okay, 'cause their digestive system cleans slop right up.

And all that ranting and raving about reducing your alcohol intake has been disproved too. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That just means that they take the water out of the fruity bit, so you get even more of the good fruit that way. Beer is made outta grain. Any fool can see that this is good-for-you stuff. I sees.

We shouldn't be worrying about candy either. Just make sure that it's chocolate. Chocolate is cocoa beans. Beans are another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! Right next to brandy and beer I guess.

I also learned that foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? So it's okay to eat French fries and such. In fact, it's probably essential.

I tried to learn about how to calculate my body/fat ratio. But my brain was too full. Couldn't hold another thing. I think what the teacher was saying went something like this: if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. Ifyou have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Something like that.

I do know for sure that the lesson scared me straight on exercise! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach. And something was said about whales. I think it was, "if swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me." Like that. Made sense to me. I'm a logical person.

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Answer to the question of the day:

Sell it on E-Bay. Those ingrates.

31 comments:

Doug said...

Thank you, TLP. I've been living right all along. And, I might point out that heroin is made out of flowers. Yum!

Mike said...

Doug has a point. My eating habits, since you shed light on them, are so freakin' healthy.

Saur♥Kraut said...

I like your points. I think I'll go have a healthy helping of carrot cake.

Jamie Dawn said...

I've been working really hard to reach my New Year's resolution to lose 20 pounds. According to your post, I've been killing myself doing all the wrong things!!
Just my luck.
I've been drinking nearly a gallon of water a day. I should have been chugging vegetable oil and getting my daily allotment of veggies that way.

lime said...

i am all over the chocolate rationale. i can justify it all day! wow, e-baying the gift is even more heinous that re-gifting!

Keith said...

NOW you tell me! I've just set up a rigid excercise programme and gone on a choc, fat, beer, cheese free diet! Went for a 5 mile fast-hike this morning, now I'm effing knackered!

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Great points!

I wish I could stop eating candy.

sherle said...

Well! My two new year's resolutions taken care of! Was gonna take a class when all's I need is to read what you learn each day!!! You sure are a good teacher, TLP! Now, what was the other resolution? Oh! Diet. Don't need it. Aw comeone! What did you learn Sunday, huh? ;-)

actonbell said...

I knew beer was good for you! Of course.

e-bay? geez

Minka said...

Have I been hanging around here too much, or did this all just make sense?

Doug said...

Monika! *Shrieking laughter*

AP3 said...

Yes, TLP, you make some interesting points. I'm on board with all except the eating meat.

bornfool said...

Indeed the best diet and excercise advice ever. I can't wait to get home so i can eat some fries, drink some beers and take a nap. That's a regimen I can live with. (Maybe.)

Tom & Icy said...

I eat grass sometimes.

Logophile said...

I am totally buying all of that,
not because I should,
but just because I too am a logical person.
Hey let me go check how my e-bay sales are going and I will get back to you
(never actually done that, though I have received some gifts that I probably SHOULD have done that to)

Peter said...

You certainly are a logical person Lucy , you certainly are.

A Little Bar of Soap said...

I see you're pushing more deadly sins on us.... sloth and gluttony. SHAME!

Devil, get thee out!

still life said...

which means that I have been "re-gifted" many times through eBay. And then if I in turn give that gift to someone else am I double dipping... I mean gifting or triple?

Lucy said...

OK --- Dr. Pez.. you sold me at the French Fry part. No need to look further.

Jemima said...

I may have to print out that list, copy it thirty thousand times, and save the sanity of everyone I know.

A well balanced meal: carbohydrates from potato based vodka, vitamins from grape based brandy, protein from the tequila worm, and some nice creamy baileys to build up the bones. All washed down with vegetable oil.

On a serious note, I did read about an olive oil diet. A very aggressive de-tox! Not for the faint hearted.

Fred said...

We've never done the eBay thing. But, we do have a drawer in our room for the "re-gifts." They usually wind up with neighbors we don't like.

Daydream believer said...

TAG you are it!

New game

Sar said...

So, does this mean no more mall walking?

The Lazy Iguana said...

You stole my theory on meat! I have long said "why eat rabbit food when you can just eat the rabbit". Same idea.

Libby said...

sell it on eBay...brilliant!!

Monique said...

Best reasons I've ever heard for eating chocolate and french fries!

still life said...

Oh, I like the Lazy Iguana's adage

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Ivy the Goober said...

Hey, I just made my very first sale on EBay recently! But it wasn't a gift... but thanks for the idea :)

Bela said...

Makes sense to me! :-)

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