Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Lime is interviewing little ol’ me! So here are her questions, and my stupid answers.
1. How did a Kentucky gal wind up in Pennsylvania?
I don’t know any Kentucky gals, but I’ll take a wild guess.
In Kentucky, it's illegal to paint your lawn red. Now, that’s restrictive. Just sayin’. I, my own self, was raised in Tennessee, where it is against the law to drive a car while sleeping. Those State Troopers. Bless their hearts. But I can’t put up with that.
Besides in Tennessee it is illegal to use Lassos to catch a fish. I guess they think a rusty hook is far more humane. So I just had to vacate the place. Any fool can see that. (I sees). Actually in Pennsylvania a person is not eligible to become governor if they have participated in a duel. So if I have to fight over the chocolate (question below) I may have to give up that life-long dream.
2. What is an appropriate punishment for someone who tries to steal your chocolate?
Death. But not death-by-chocolate. Twinkies at twenty paces oughta do it. If we are talking about my personal chocolate, it can’t be stolen. You gonna rip it right out of my stomach? Please. If I have chocolate, I eat it. I don’t take chances on it getting’ stolen.
3. We know your love of celebrating Groundhog's Day and you've taught us the importance of starting each month with Rabbit rabbit. What is this fixation on rodentia? Are there other furry critters you wish us to honor and if so, which ones?
Well, squirrels are mighty tasty. Really. And hedgehogs rarely projectile vomit on you the way a kid does. Chipmunks don't require expensive trendy outfits which will be outgrown within days and you can acquire rat toys for free from recycle bins and kitchen waste. You see where I’m goin’ with this? Rodents are cheap, even free, and they don't need bibs and they clean their faces themselves. You don't have to change poopy diapers on beavers and they can be toilet trained from as early as 5 weeks. Beat that.
4. Which book or piece of literature and which piece of music speak to your heart and soul the most deeply?
This is difficult. Many books have touched me. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCuller is one for sure. Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin changed my heart and my mind. Recently Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro touched me.
For music, ironically, since I’m a non-believer, Amazing Grace makes me cry.
5. You get to host your favorite morning radio program for the day. Who is your sidekick and tell us what sorts of hi-jinx you'll have?
I’m going to have Britney Spears so that I can seem smart by comparison. And of course, Betty Bowers, America’s Best Christian, A woman known throughout Christendom for her joie d'apres vivre . We’ll have a “Radio Question of the Day” and rather entertaining and irredeemably vapid people will call in and try to guess the answer. We’ll change the correct answer if it suits us, and when we’re bored with the callers, we’ll pretend someone got it right and give away Betty’s famous tee-shirts that say things like “Jan. 20, 2009, The end of an error,” or good books like, "Yes, Jimmy, Jesus Does Watch You Masturbate." That Jimmy.
Naturally Betty will explain important stuff like how Scientology has been providing gay actors with wives since 1978, and Britney will give clues on good drugs and what to shave and what not to shave. Like that.
I think I might have a contest called Guess Who’s In Hell? So be thinking of good answers. Don’t be obvious with guesses like Hilter and Anna Nicole Smith.
I imagine that the three of us will be invited back to host again. Don’t you?