Friday, August 12, 2005
Havin' a bit of a bad-hair day here. Nothing special or amazing. Amazing? Ha! I should be so lucky. Lucky Lucy. That has a nice ring. But no. Nothing amazing going on.
Day started out with the Pest Control guy ringing the doorbell at 7:30 AM. Every three months I have the house sprayed for any kinda bug. Don't like bugs. Or spiders. Or millipedes. Nope, nothin' like that. More than two legs? Dead. No if's, and's, or but's. Butts of any nekked kind are not really allowed. 'Cept in the bathroom. Well, maybe the bedroom. Nowhere else.
Unless it's me in the laundry room. 'Cause if you are about to start the washing machine and you realize that what you are wearing could stand washing, well then, it's only natural to peel it all off and toss it in the machine. But that's only if it's me. In my laundry room. No other butts. Or bugs.
Of course, then you do have to dash up stairs to get dressed. So, in that case, there can be nekked butts in the laundry room, and the rooms you have to dash through, plus the staircase. And the halls involved. But nowhere else.
So. That's the laundry room, the kitchen, the dinette, the entry hall (dangerous and daring that), the stairs, the hall, and then the bedroom. But that's all. Nowhere else.
Where was I? I mean, where was I in my tale? Not where was my tail. I know where that was.
On the john.
It always sounds like a good idea to tell Terminix to come at 7:30 AM. That way it doesn't interfere with the rest of my day. Then, when you're still on the potty when the doorbell rings, you remember why it's not the best idea. My daughters and granddaughters are now rolling their eyes and yelling: "TOO MUCH INFORMATION." True. I'll take that part out before I hit enter.
Hope I didn't just make somebody choke on an ice cube or something. If you do ever choke on an ice cube, just pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto. Just like that, the blockage will be just about instantly removed. No big deal.
Come to think of it, I know some other really pretty good home remedies. Things like, avoiding cutting yourself while slicing vegetables. Just get someone else to hold them while you chop. You'll never cut yourself again.
And you guys out there. Avoid arguments with your wife or mother about lifting the toilet seat. This can be achieved by simply using the sink. Never get yelled at again. About the seat, I'm sayin'. Some women will complain about the sink. Can't please everyone, all the time. Just do the best you can.
Are you one of those people who hit the snooze button and falls back to sleep? Makes you late for work. Put a mousetrap on top of the alarm clock. When you hit that snooze button, you will NOT go back to sleep. Works. Honest. Would I lie?
Now, I haven't tried this trick, but I think it will work: If you have high blood pressure and you hate putting chemicals in your body for that, just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes. That should reduce the pressure in your veins. It's probably good to use a timer on this. Don't tell the paramedics where you got this idea. Might 'cause jealousy. Some people. You know?
I do know for sure that if you have a bad toothache, that smashing your thumb with a hammer will help you forget about the tooth. I helped a friend once using this trick. I should call her. Haven't heard from her in a while. We used to be close. Mmmm....