Friday, August 19, 2005

Not so syrupy-sweet

You know all those syrupy-sweet e-mails you get that say how wonderful you are and such? They’re like form letters, only in e-mail form.  Then they tell you to forward the e-mail to “all the other wonderful women you know” blah, blah, blah, or else your toes will drop off. Thosee-mails.  I guess some are written just for men. I don’t know what they are threatened with.  What could drop off there?  Think hard. Well, it might not be hard. What I meant was, it might not be difficult, could be hard, could be soft otherwise. Hard to say.  Seem to have stepped out on a slippery slope here.  Getting’ off track. Which is real unusual for me.

I was thinking that we could put our heads together and come up with a better one of those things. Then we could bother folks with it. Like that. Everyone did so well on my last post about daffy words. So it seems like we could write up a fine non-syrupy-sweet note that’s more on the realistic side.

Okay, then.  Everybody in?  I’ll start.  You go after me.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid. I’ll show interest in your life by hounding you until you confess all the details.

4. When you are scared - I will praise you. After all it is better to be scared than killed. If you aren’t scared of everything you might leave the house. It’s dangerous out there.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be so that you will quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever it is that you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. When you feel ugly – I’ll…well, I can’t help you there.

I’ll do all this for you because you are
blah, blah, blah, we’ll let people insert anything they want to in this part.  You know, make it personal.  Like that.

We’ll end our e-mail form letter with a reminder that a good friend will help you move.  A reallygood friend will help you move a body.  
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.  

We’ll tell them to send the e-mail to ten of their closest friends. Let’em get depressed because they can think only of nine. Is this fun or what?

Your turn.


AP3 said...

Again, I beg you to adjust your medication!

actonbell said...

I'm not helpin' you move no body. I'm squeamish--BUT I may sell my plasma to keep from asking you for money...and I really DO seem to be catching a cold, so I'll stay at the e-mail/blog distance, lol!

A Little Bar of Soap said...

I pray for your mortal soul, TLP.

KristieD said...

OMG, i Love your letter. I would love to send that to all my "friends" who constantly send me those other annoying blah-blah-blah ones. I hope i can borrow this when we are done with it here!!

schnoodlepooh said...

You are too funny! Count me IN. But only one problem here. I don't have any friends. When I got those stupid kiss ass letters, I told them all to f**k off. oops

The Lazy Iguana said...

Change number 7 to "when you are sick, I will hold your hair back while you puke".

Tom & Icy said...

I got so that I won't even open a forwarded email. I just hit delete. Your list is funny. I like that.

Minka said...

Nice list!
My addition:

9) When you feel ugly- I´ll dim the lights!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Show a little courtesy, even though it won't help you out of the pickle you're in.

Fred said...

"When you're at the end of your rope, just let go."

"A bad hair day does not mean you have license to tell us every 15 minutes. Cut it or shut up."

still life said...

1. When you are sad - I will help you to balance on your head to turn that frown upside down

2. When you are blue - I will smack you around a bit to even out the pallet

3. When you smile - I will not even mention the lodged spinach

4. When you are scared - I will set traps under your bed and closets at night

5. When you are worried - I will make you watch jerry springer so you can see what a real problem looks shut the hell up

6. When you are confused - I will hand you a map

7. When you are sick - I will blame it on the food and get our meal comped

8. When you fall - I will lie and say that no one noticed

9. When you feel ugly – Chances are you're right, so we'll skip the mirrored fun house

10. When you are broke - I will buy you an engraved tin cup from Tiffany's

natasha said...

There are people I won't even give my main email address to because I know they'll send me those things. Even worse is anything that says "email this to a friend". WHERE DO YOU THINK SPAM COMES FROM, PEOPLE?!?

Sorry. That was my angry inner nerd escaping there. He's gone now.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

I am laughing so hard, it hurts!

Penises...My favorite subject.

How about

When you are curious about how much I spent, mind your own damned business, and don't ask!

Doug said...

When I have nothing to say, I'll comment anyway.

Scott W said...

This is not a comment.

Doug said...

This is not a pipe.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

LOL. Some great ideas here.

Hope I didn't hurt any feelings. It's just for fun folks.

Jamie Dawn said...

When you smile... I'll suggest Crest Whitestrips.

When you're confused... I'll have you committed and "handle" your money for you.

This letter really beats those sappy ones!

dddragon said...

doug: LOL! This is not an apple, either.

Bela said...

I love your list. I so wish I could email it to this woman who sends me round robins all the time. She means well, I'm sure, but if she knew what four-letter words I utter when they land in my Inbox she would stop, I'm sure. Yucky, cute sentiments. Ugh!

Kyahgirl said...

Excellent letter! About the only time I tell my computer to F-off is when I get the messages that tell me what a loser I am if I don't want to torment 20 friends with this crap.

Klondike Kate said...

Awesome list - LMAO!