Saturday, March 04, 2006

The sun came out. Me too.

Radio question of the day:

This common product can be found in most homes, often contains four or five chemicals the EPA calls potentially harmful. An "empty" 55-gallon drum that contained it would have to be taken to the nearest state-regulated commercial hazardous waste disposal facility. What is it?

The sun came out today and I'm feelin' better. Most older people get up early and I do too. I think they do that mostly because they can't wait to see if they're still alive. That, and to have more time to find their teeth and stuff. I still have all mine in my head, so I can waste the extra time doin' nothin'.

Well, I could use the time to put creams and cleansers on my face so's I could have skin, "as smooth as a baby's behind," like the ad's claim. But I don't want folks callin' me "ass-face," so I just skip that.

I keep making typos here. I'm not gonna proof read, so get over it. Some days I can't type to save my life. I'm thinkin' the typing-to-save-my-life situation will probably never come up anyway.

Did anybody go to Mardi Gras this year? It might have been a bit depressing what with sifting through all the trash and torn-up streets. But I bet it was the best year ever for collecting Mardi Gras beads. Just sayin'.

I've been thinking about death. My death in particular. So I've decided to have a provision in my will that I will be put away with a roll of breath mints. I mean if I come back as a ghost or a zombie, I want minty-fresh breath. Somethin' to get rid of the taste of brains in my mouth, you know. Like that.

Actually when I die, I'd like to be scattered around the cemetery where my people are in Tennessee. But not, like, cremated or somethin'. I mean, it's a cemetery for gosh sakes! They oughta be able to handle seein' a finger here, a toe there. No big deal, right?

You know of course that ol' Hoss wants to be frozen and brought back to life later. But I see a big problem with cryogenics myself. I mean even if future advances in technology will let them unfreeze a person and bring him back to life in a hundred years or so, what's to say that the minimum-wage security guards will check those thermostats regularly? Hoss might thaw out a couple of times and be a bit mushy in his "new" life. He might be soft in unfortunate places. That Hoss.

I'm not fallin' for that freezing-my-body stuff. It's true I'm a senior citizen and it's true that I never got to go to a fancy school and such, but everything I ever needed to know I learned in my playpen. Just in case you kindergarten graduates think you're all that.

Answer to the radio question of the day:
Nail polish

Nail polish! That reminds me: Niks and I are invited to a charades party tonight! We'll suck at that. I should paint my nails. I have some OPI "I'm Not Really A Waitress" red polish. That should distract folks while I'm trying to make silly signs with my hands. Some people think I have a kinda mean sense of humor. Some people! I'm very sweet. Once you get to know me. Sort of.


Ivy the Goober said...

So no "death breath" for you, huh?

Hey, I guessed the radio question today! First time that I ever knew it and didn't cheat!

Libby said...

i'dve sworn it was gonna be hairspray!!
BTW...i want cremated, but if i were to be buried, I WANT A CELL PHONE in there with me!!

mireille said...

You have a kind of honest non-assface sweetness. xoxo

KristieD said...

Good to see you in better spirits today!! Hope the nail polish trick works! good luck.

still life said...

Charades blech! I'm the worst at games like that, my mind can't work that fast.

AP3 said...

Breath mints... okay, we can handle that. Since I'm the first daughter here, I say "not it" for chopping you up into little bits.

No one would ever say that you were bad at charades... at least not to your ass-face.



I ♥ you, Mommy!

actonbell said...

Well, I'm late, so I hope you had a good time playing charades. I kinda like charades, because I don't mind being bad at stuff (you get used to it). I'm sure you were the life of the party!

dddragon said...

Give us a report on the charades!

And, hey, I may be able to stick a needle into Chatham, I am not able to cut you up into little pieces. Please be thoughtful enough to do it yourself first. I'll be happy to scatter you.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I am already soft in the most unfortunate place of all. Not even Viagra.....

schnoodlepooh said...

I was gonna say hair spray. I was close!!!

Yeah, I agree about spreading yourself around the cemetary. What's the problem with a few body parts laying around?

Rachel said...

I don't think they'll let you have your body parts tossed around like that. Besides, animals will come out at night and eat them. You don't want to be making animals sick like that after you die do you?? :)

Very funny post! I especially liked the part about ole hoss!

lime said...

fabulous post lucy, welcome back! still lmao@ ass-face. you are too much lady. you are definitely a non assface with the freshest of breath.

Fred said...

Nothing like a ghost with bad breath. But, do they even have a breath?

Lulu said...

Hilarious! But I'm not sure the chopping up is a good idea. I want to donate me to a body farm for Grissom and Sara to practise on.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Ivy! Congrats! I've never guessed one right yet.

Libby: Yep, a phone is a good idea. 'Case you "wake up."

Mireille: Thank you. You're so sweet. Some claim I'm blunt. Honest sounds better.

KristieD: The luck thing worked. I kicked @ss.

Still Life: You'd be great I bet.

AP3 and 3D: Okay. No chopping. *sigh* Nobody wants to have any fun.

ActonBell: You get used to being bad at stuff? How would you know.

Hoss: Sad news. Softness happens.

Schnoodlepooh: At pup after my own heart.

Rachel: Okay. No animal will be harmed with my various parts. Let'em starve. I was just tryin' to help.

That Lime. SWEET.

Fred: I never met a ghost, but I bet Zombies have bad breath.

LuLu: Yes! I have to agree on the Body Farm idea! I'd be more useful there.

Bela said...


The body farm isn't a bad idea at all.

I've found that the more you wear nail polish the weaker your nails are. As soon as I stopped using it, my nails became flexible and strong; practically unbreakable.

Hale McKay said...

The body parts idea ... uh, wouldn't that make you fertilizer?
Fun post. Never even came close to guessing nail polish.

Jamie Dawn said...

Come back as a ghost, not a zombie. Have you seen what happens to zombies in the movies? It's never a pretty sight.
All those creams & stuff just make me break out with pimples. I was told that after 40 my skin would start getting dry. It's not true. I'm still an oil factory.
I'm sure you are a riot playing charades.
Hope it was fun!

kenju said...

HaHaHa.......soft in unfortunate places? So funny, TLP!

My daughter wears "I'm not really a waitress"; it is too red for me.

Know what I use to moisturize? Bag balm (you know, the stuff farmers use on cows' udders?) It works!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Bela: I'm far too lazy to attend to nail polish on a regular basis, and I hate the look of chipped nails.

Hale McKay: I've been toast, but never fertilizer. But aren't all dead things fertilizer? Dust to dust and all that rot.

Jamie: Yep. I was a riot. And no matter how they mixed the teams up, I was on the winning team. I never outgrew cheating. Ya gotta go with what works.

Kenju: So instead of "ass-face" I could look like a cow's tits? Just askin'.

Doug said...

TLP, if you were any sweeter, you'd be a breath mint.

Sar said...

Doug, while it's true TLP is the epitome of sweetness, she already is akin to breath mints with her fresh humor. Just sayin.

And TLP, I'd come to the cememtary to pay my respects, even bring you flowers, but I have a feeling your fresh self would be give me the finger.

Greg Finnegan said...

I was in charge of a cosmetics plant, and you are exactly right about drums of nail polish. It was expensive to dispose of them properly. And don't even think of spilling a drum of it! I sealed all of the floor drains, out of paranoia. Guess how much a full drum, fresh from the nail polish compounding place, costs? Just plain, without the mother-of-pearl sparkly stuff? In 1990, wholesale, between $17,000 and $27,000. That would cover a few million hands (or feet) worth of nails.

Minka said...

I finally understand now why the older you get the earlier you wake up! When you are 18 you can jump out of bed and look georgeous! When you are older it take syou a while to look that way! I see now!

Logophile said...

Lucy, you look lovely every day, well, from here ya do!

partyrunner said...

lucy, i love your blog. it never fails to make me laugh.
especially the i'm not really a waitress polish. are you a writer?

Mike said...

Awww dear, at least I think you're a sweetie, sort of.

Great post today! And don't worry, even I suck at charades too. You gotta admit, it can be fun, given the right word ;)

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Saur♥Kraut said...

I remember reading that formaldehyde is excellent for strengthening nails...

Peter said...

Hi Lucy, it's nice to see you back on the air and cheering up after Bonnie's death. I've also been away for 3 weeks, after 2 days almost non stop I've nearly caught up with all that's been going on.