Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I Don't Want Any Trouble

* You didn't forward the e-mail on to 10 people like it said, did you?
I got the following message from an e-mail that said (well, it didn't say anything, you had to actually read it) I should forward it to ten people right away, or suffer arm pit rash for ten years. Arm pit rash is every bit as stressful as growin' out your bangs, so I'm just takin' a little short cut here and hoping ten people read this darn thingie.
******************************************
It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric "expenditure" from varied sexual activities.
Now after exhaustive "Original and Proprietary" research we are proud to present the results:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent...................12 Calories
Without her consent............2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands................8 Calories
With one hand...................12 Calories
With your teeth.........485 Calories (some men !)

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection...................6 Calories
Without an erection...........3315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary.................12 Calories
69 lying down.............78 Calories
69 standing up..........812 Calories
Wheelbarrow............216 Calories
Doggy Style...............326 Calories
Italian chandelier...2912 Calories (not verified)

ORGASMS:
Real..................112 Calories
Fake............1315 Calories (some women!)

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.....816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years...................36 Calories
30-39 years....................80 Calories
40-49 years..................124 Calories
50-59 years.................1972 Calories
60-69 years.................7916 Calories
70 and up....Results are still pending (but don't hold your breath)

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly....................32 Calories
In a hurry...............98 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door....5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door......13,521 Calories

Remember, individual results may vary. Report any errors you discover in testing these figures to Exercising for Fun and Profit. Don't tell them who sent you. Please.

*Cartoon and caption stolen from here.

25 comments:

lime said...

oh my word.....i am dying laughing here. that was fabulous!

so, in other words....if i fake an orgasm with an italina chandelier while my husband is knocking at the door....i SHOULd be able to fit into that dress i want...

Peter said...

Luv 'em Lucy.

Logophile said...

Should print that out and post in the gym? Sounds way more fun than spinning

PI said...

I absolutely hate those send to ...or else! Hopefully my rage burns quite a few calories.
Now I understand why it was so much easier to keep slim in my younger, wilder days.

G said...

Who needs a gym membership?!

I really can't print my verifier - it is so fresh.

FKJUE

Okay, I printed it. But not directed towards you, of course! I'll just go now.

TLP said...

You got it Lime! The badder the better! For calories and for fun.

Thanks Pete.

Good idea Logo.

I think you're on to something PI.

Well, just so long as you aren't talkin' to ME, G.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Excuse me, but I think a 69 standing up would take infinte calories, given that one of the parties has to stand on his head. Good diet plan, though.

The Lazy Iguana said...

With your comment subtracted, and this one added - that makes 7 people who read this. Now add in an unknown number of lurkers and you are probably at or over 10.

No armpit rash for you. This time.

TLP said...

Gene, I didn't test that one out. My head stand isn't what it used to be, but if I had something BIG to hold onto,....

I hope you're right Lazy one. 'Cause I just received another threat:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-
law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
I'm kinda scared. I know only about 100,000 people. Give or take 99,900.

actonbell said...

Oh, boy, thanks for the link! I will have all kinds of fun reading that. This is really hilarious.

I LOVE the Heineken Polar bear, too!

TLP said...

Yeah, Acton, the diet folks don't know that I'm pickin' on'em. Don't tell and I'm sure they won't ask.

kenju said...

I'm going to lift this and send it to everyone I know! Fabulous!

TLP said...

Well, there you go Judy! You won't get any arm pit rash this year! Or maybe just this week. Can't remember.

Libby said...

tlp-hmmm....i guess i'm destined to get fat...new pix & entry, BTW!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL, LOL...Great One TLP! Love this...! Leave it to you to give us the REAL RESEARCH on this topic! I can see how a man could really use up a lot of calories, and get rid of a lot of excess fat...!

Minka said...

Hilarious...to sum up, being naughty and pretending makes you slim?

I like those odds :)

verifier: xeeuuait

=sex with you can wait!

Doug said...

I would have thought faking an orgasm was more work than that. Now I'm doubly disappointed.

goldennib said...

Good thing you made your quota of readers. I was worried about your pits.

neva said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! what can i say? this post was hilarious!

Doug: i'm guessing your partners DO expend more than a few calories "faking" orgasms, but only because it takes a great deal of effort to do so convincingly whilst maintaining a straight face. just saying... ; )

Cheesemeister said...

A guy that attempted to undress me without my consent would be wearing his 'nards for earrings. And a guy that tried to remove his teeth would, at least in my imagination, be named something like Vlad or Nosferatu or maybe Wolfie.

Cheesemeister said...

I mean, tried to remove my bra with his teeth. Sheesh. A guy that tried to remove his teeth would be called a denture wearer. He might be called grandpa.

the amoeba said...

Your version left out the line labeled "insertion". Perhaps to preserve a PG-13 rating:

When he's ready .... 2
When she's not .... 10,000

AP3 said...

You are not well.

Keith said...

I never realised just how much energy I've saved since I became a decrepid old git living alone without a sex life! No wonder I have so much energy, I don't waste calories (or money!) on a woman.

Jamie Dawn said...

I have a few family members who send me those emails that chatise you in advance for not sending the email along to others or they guarantee a blessing by a certain date and time. HOGWASH!

LOVE the cartoon!!

I am now going to look at every skinny person and wonder.... hmmmm, they must have a very active sex life. :-)