Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Bad Jokes

Radio Question of the day:

According to a popular men's magazine, 52% of guys spend less than one minute doing what?

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who divide the world into 2 kinds of people, and those who don't. I’m one of those two kinds. How ‘bout you?

What’s 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Give up?

Line dancing at the nursing home.

Bad enough? How about what’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Don’t know?

Kids won’t eat broccoli.

Why do blonde nurses carry red pens? Easy. So they can draw blood. Those blondes.

What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common?

So obvious: Their middle name.

Bad jokes, lord I love’m. Bad jokes, cain’t get enough of’em.

That’s why I listen to Prairie Home Companion on PBS. They did a special joke show this past weekend.

They told bad jokes like the ones above, and the ones below:

News Flash! Energizer Bunny charged with battery!

I hate to say this but your girl friend looks like a monkey. True, but she's the gorrilla my dreams.

You know why they named "Beano" "BEANO?"

Because "WINDEX" was already taken.

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, I work down the street at the pickle processing plant and lately I've developed this almost uncontrollable urge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer."

The doctor says, "This is quite serious, we must get you into counseling immediately!"

Every day for two weeks, the two meet until the psychiatrist finally feels that his patient has mastered his compulsion to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.

A few days pass and the doctor receives a phone call from the pickle plant worker. The man is extremely upset and there are sounds of commotion in the background. "Doc, I'm so sorry. I really thought you’d cured me, but today here at work, that old feeling came back and I just couldn't control myself and, yes, I stuck my penis in the pickle slicer. This so terrible -- they fired me and I let you down."

"Don't worry about that," replies the doctor, "what happened with, er…, you know, the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, they fired her, too."
Answer to the radio question of the day:
Deciding what to wear.

Huh! About 75 percent of you guys look that way.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Happy Birthday 3D!

August 29th is the birthday of my daughter 3D. She's smart, sweet, and a true friend. Also very busy.

She was my first born. And she made me a grandmother. Twin girls. Grandma heaven.

Happy birthday dddragon!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Free classes for men

Radio Question of the Day:

Name the "rock group" that has four members, all of whom are dead, one of whom was assassinated...

As usual I have absolutely nothin’ to say. So, I’ll say it anyway. I’ve been reading instead of doing lots of stuff I should be doing. Friend of mine said I should get my husband Niks to do the housework. That Irene. As if. (I know that there are lots of men who do some work around the house, but I didn’t marry one of those. Let’s make that SOME men who do housework. Not LOTS.)

So, Irene offered up some classes Niks could take in order for the old dog to learn some new tricks:

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step,
with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours.

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of
Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

After Dinner Dishes: Can They Levitate and Fly Into
The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM

Loss Of Identity - Losing The Remote To Your
Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Learning How To Find Things - Starting With Looking
In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful
To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She
Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother
and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing ..
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering
Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and
Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Answer to the Radio Question of the day:

Mount Rushmore

How droll: a rock structure...four dead guys...I get it.
Those radio guys.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

A very merry unbirthday to you

I don't know all the birthdays out there, but I'm gonna cover you all with this post.

A very merry unbirthday
To me
To who?
To me
Oh, you

A very merry unbirthday
To you
Who, me?
To you
Oh, me

Let's all congrulate us with another cup of tea
A very merry unbirthday to you

Now statistics prove
Prove that you've one birthday
Imagine just one birthday every year
Ah, but there are 364 unbirthdays
Precisely why we're gathered here to cheer

A very merry unbirthday
To me?
To you
A very merry unbirthday
For me?
For you

Now blow the candle out, my dear
And make your wish come true
A very merry unbirthday to you

(Lyrics: Robert B. Sherman)

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Happy Birthday to Acton Bell

A toast to my daughter, Acton Bell, who turns 43 today. She's sweet, pretty and smart. Also refined.

She loves beer and she loves to run. So she's at the shore now, drinkin' and runnin'.

Happy Birthday girlie!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Gimme five!

Rabbit rabbit! Good luck in August.

Hoss has awarded me with a "Perfect Post Award" for July! He's so sweet. Bless his heart.

It was for my toilet post. But I'm not flushin'. Hoss is the funniest blogger in the world. He would write Bl*gger. We don't use the "B" word at his place.

Go check'em out. But y'all come back now. Y'hear?