Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Good advice?

I'm sure that you've seen this before, but I'm sick so you can just see it again. Or not. See if I care.

I have to scrub the top of every can I open because Oprah has taught me that they have fecal matter and salmonella on them. Some body out there is not washing his hands.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. She should hurry that up.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/ Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Old Bill owes me a bunch of interest on that money. I've been waiting a while...

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Except for the wish to have money and to get over this damn cold.

I'm not supposed to eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. But I don't eat the eyes and feathers anyway.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Just get over it and give me some space.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers get answered only if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Maybe I don't have any friends? Don't my acquaintances count?

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. This didn't work for me. Did you know that you actually can BUY products to clean your toilet? Don't drink them either.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I take another person along to make sure that the first person doesn't use her cell phone and cause the gas pump to go up in flames.

I no longer drink Dr.Pepper since the people who make it are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. You all know that I'm a big ol' atheist myself. My cousin Jimmy told me when I was a kid, that Dr. Pepper is actually prune juice, so that's why I don't drink it.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I use a generic wrap. I've never been warned about those.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. My figure is so dissed at this face is all I have left.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle. Or I wouldn't if I knew there were pay phones left in the world. Ever see a pay phone? Anybody?

I'm not supposed to go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. Or at least smell me up real bad.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. Well, if the guy is cute and wearing shorts, heck, I'm opening the darn door.

I've been told not shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. Right. I believe that.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. And I'm way too stupid to just say "no."

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. And a thousand other recipes received in e-mails. As if. I'm keepin' my stove clean, baby, CLEAN. Besides, I gave my money to that slow-to-die Penny babe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Shudder. Why the hell is that spider after me anyway? There are lots of other asses out there.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Twenty bucks maybe. But what could I buy with $5 anyway?

I shouldn't drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! I can't remember which they are, so....

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...


Doug said...

Why, I actually hadn't seen that before. Say hi to cousin Jimmy for me.

Doug said...

Oh, and feel better soon!

(bad blogson)

jan said...

I haven't seen these all collected together. They are even sillier this way than spread out in emails from idiots.

lime said...

hi lucy,

i am the child of a nigerian chief who made a fortune on secret tribal herbal remedies to enhance penises. i just need you to forward me your banking information so the funds can be released to me.


Tom & Icy said...

Hope you get well soon. Haven't you heard that Penny died and they are now asking for donations for her funeral.

Nessa said...

That last paragraph is soooo true. It happened to my sister's boyfriend's next door neighbor's best friend's hamster. Really. Don't tempt fate.

Feel better soon.

actonbell said...

LOL, I'm so glad I read this after 5, since I don't have any friends to send this to. And I hope you get over that stinkin' cold soon, too.

Rachel said...

I had read this before but it is all so true!! I have recieved all these e-mails more than once!! LOL

I hope you get well soon!

tsduff said...

Oh dear, I must tell you your email put me into a coughing fit which caused co-workers to rush to the front to see if I was dying. Man alive, so THAT's why I like Dr. Pepper! (oh, and I've put the spider outside).

Hope your whimpers have stopped. Feel better.

Quilldancer said...

This is a wonderful collection! I think I will pass it along to those people who still insist on forwarding nonsense emails to me.

kenju said...

You too, huh?

Libby said...

you really did forget to put in the nigerian man that wants to deposit 50 million in your bank account, because he tracked you down cuz your rich uncle (that you never heard of) left it to you!

G said...

don't forget the combustible Glade plug-ins!

Fee better soon.

PI said...

Hope you're better soon. My kids read all the dates on tins and bottles and tell me when they are out of date - which they usually are.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You can't catch me. It's already past 5 o'clock here. (P.S. I've lost it: What is that Penny babe's Pay Pal number?)

Doug said...

Molto grazie, blogmamma mia.

tsduff said...

I suppose you are waiting until the 1st of the month again to post, so you can put up a rabbit.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL, LOL...This is GREAT, Lucy! Perfect Post in every way...!

I hope you are a lot better by this time...If not, you can pray heavily to the next email that arrives and warns you about all the dire things that will happen if you don't!
Be Well, My Dear.

Special K said...

Yeah you can send an email of healing to 2,394 and if you get it back
1-10 times you are gonna die
11-100 times you will live another week
101-1001 times you will regain half your strength
anything above 1001 HOLY MOLY YOU ARE HEALED!

This is one of the best takes I have seen on this stuff! I needed a good laugh!

Saur♥Kraut said...

WOW, that's a long list! I'll have to remember that about KFC chickens. I'm off to google it now. ;o)