Wednesday, April 09, 2008
I'm sure that you've seen this before, but I'm sick so you can just see it again. Or not. See if I care.
I have to scrub the top of every can I open because Oprah has taught me that they have fecal matter and salmonella on them. Some body out there is not washing his hands.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. She should hurry that up.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/ Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Old Bill owes me a bunch of interest on that money. I've been waiting a while...
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Except for the wish to have money and to get over this damn cold.
I'm not supposed to eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. But I don't eat the eyes and feathers anyway.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Just get over it and give me some space.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers get answered only if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Maybe I don't have any friends? Don't my acquaintances count?
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. This didn't work for me. Did you know that you actually can BUY products to clean your toilet? Don't drink them either.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I take another person along to make sure that the first person doesn't use her cell phone and cause the gas pump to go up in flames.
I no longer drink Dr.Pepper since the people who make it are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. You all know that I'm a big ol' atheist myself. My cousin Jimmy told me when I was a kid, that Dr. Pepper is actually prune juice, so that's why I don't drink it.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I use a generic wrap. I've never been warned about those.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. My figure is so dissed at this point...my face is all I have left.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle. Or I wouldn't if I knew there were pay phones left in the world. Ever see a pay phone? Anybody?
I'm not supposed to go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. Or at least smell me up real bad.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. Well, if the guy is cute and wearing shorts, heck, I'm opening the darn door.
I've been told not shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. Right. I believe that.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. And I'm way too stupid to just say "no."
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. And a thousand other recipes received in e-mails. As if. I'm keepin' my stove clean, baby, CLEAN. Besides, I gave my money to that slow-to-die Penny babe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Shudder. Why the hell is that spider after me anyway? There are lots of other asses out there.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Twenty bucks maybe. But what could I buy with $5 anyway?
I shouldn't drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! I can't remember which they are, so....
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...