First Rabbit Rabbit of 2006

I bet you didn't know that Father Time was a Rabbit, didcha? Ha! So, it's the first day of the new year, and you learned somethin' right here.

Happy New Year! So, whatcha gonna do with it, huh?

It's that time

This is the time when a lot of people make New Year's Resolutions. I dunno why. Mostly we just break them right away. Besides, I think the number one resolution made in the U.S. is to lose weight. But as Jay Leno says: "Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution." So. There ya go.

'Course, I always resolve to save the world from destruction before breakfast. I've done that a couple of times. Resolved it. Not saved it.

I think we should make resolutions for OTHER people to keep. Like for my adopted son, Doug of Waking Ambrose, I resolve that he will start a list of four to six-syllable nerbs, just in case someone ever needs one.

For my daughter Acton Bell, I resolve that she take a cruise on a floating micro-brewery with a book group that discusses Bronte novels exclusively.

For my daughter Aral of AP3, I resolve that she form an ice hockey league for vegetarian Hindu priests who read religious books in the penalty box.

For my daughter 3D, I resolve that she install a kitchen in her van so that she can make band fudge while holding Girl Scout meetings in the car and driving the cats to the vet.

Let's throw in an infamous person: for Donald Trump: To buy new hair.

Okay, your turn. Write a resolution for somebody ELSE. Famous, infamous, or whatever.

Smart phone

I got a new cell phone yesterday. It's sweet. It's got a buncha new features (new to me anyway). It takes pictures, has voice dialing, e-mail, mobile web. Good stuff.

Anyway, last night I sat down with the User Guide to learn how to use all this junk. I laughed so hard my eyes disappeared, I lost sound, my body was convulsing, you know the routine. I was trying to read the Important Safety Precautions to husband Niks.

He was dying laughing too. 'Course he was dying laughing at me, since he couldn't hear any of the safety precautions. Told you: I lost sound.

The very first warning: Violation of the instructions may cause serious injury or death.
Whoa! DEATH? By cell phone? Holy shit!! This is some serious phone I got here.

Next comes: Never place your phone in a microwave oven. Aw, maaaannnnn! You mean I gotta eat it raw???!

Then: Do not dispose of your battery by fire. Is by flood okay I wonder?

Also: Be careful that children do not swallow any parts of the phone. Heck, since I can't cook it in the microwave, I seriously doubt that I could talk a kid into eating it anyway. But I guess chewing on it is okay. Just no swallowing. You guys. Don't go there.

Then: Do not drop, strike, or shake your phone severely. I guess that all punishment has to be stuff like time-outs. I'll never get control of the phone if I have to send it to its room. Or maybe I should call the customer service and get a definition of "severely." Yeah. I think I'll do that.

Here are some other silly instructions:



On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. Jeez. Can't get those extra z's in the AM.

On bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Steal the bag.

On a box of Dial Soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. You know how to use irregular soap I'm sure.

On some Schwann's frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. Even in the summer?

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. But not a big ego.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) Now you tell me.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. I had no idea that heating caused heat.

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body. Okay, I've actually tired this on a morning when I was runnin' late.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. What about kids in China? They gotta work, don't they?

On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness. Oh, drat. And here you are at work.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children. So, how're we gonna cut 'em up?

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. I'm thinking.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for other use. Speechless.

On Sainbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains Nuts. Is that all? No peas?

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. Can't use these as a douche.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. Feet are okay.

On a box of aspirin: Do not take if allergic to aspirin. One aspirin is just like another?

To be truly safe: Just stay at home and be very, very still. Niks and I are going to the movies to see The Squid and the Whale . We're old. It's okay if we get killed by popcorn or somethin'.

We're on the road to nowhere

Radio question of the day:
A fifth of us admit that we've called in sick to work because of this. What is it?
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My friend Irene and I have had to go inside to mall walk now that it's icy in the mornings. Yesterday the mall opened at 6 AM for after Christmas shopping. The mall was packed!

Boy! People are a trip, ya know? We could barely move through the crowds. Too many people, boldly going nowhere. Yakking away. You want to ask them if people on their planet ever shut up.

Actually I want the Gene Police to take care of them: YOU! Out of the pool! God must love stupid people. He made so many of 'em. But if you think of it, half the people you know are below average. So, don't think about it.

We're tryin' to walk, and here these folks are, meandering to a different drummer, in our way. Oh, you think I'm just jealous because I can't hear the voices in their heads. But I can hear 'em too. I just don't have to answer out loud.

This one old guy, a born ass hole (the rest probably grew later), just has to stop and talk to all the old ladies. It's like: Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? My other two wishes are, one: get lost; two: drop dead. He struts when he walks, and he dresses spiffy too. He obviously knows that clothes make the man. It's true. Naked people have little or no influence on society. So I can't fault him on that.

Did I ever mention the little old guy who checks out all the coin-operated machines? You know, those gumball machines and such? He goes to every coin-operated machine in the mall, and rattles the handle, checks the coin-return slot, etc. He's pretty much diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Sweet old guy though. He's slower and frailer than he was last year when we were mall walking. I missed him in the spring, summer, and fall when we were walking outside. I worried about him. We used to try to get to the mall before he did and put money in the machines for him. You know what's scary? He drives to the mall.

A lot of the old people who walk at the mall have to use walkers. Some of them are all bent over. But they DRIVE to the mall. They should not be driving. They have handicapped license plates. They have to park close to the entrance. But they walk miles inside the mall. I better stop thinkin' about all this now. Better living through denial.

There's a nut case out there who carries a big bag around with him on his walk.
He's not suffering from insanity. He's enjoying every minute of it. I'm dyin' to know what's in the bag. Irene and I have talked about one of us trippin' him and the other one grabbing the bag for a look-see. But this is the only mall in the area. Not another one on this side of the river. We'd have to drive a long way to mall-walk after we pulled a prank like that. Maybe in the spring right before we go back outside to walk. Maybe the other old folks would forget about it by the next winter. Those old folks.
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Answer to the radio question of the day: You don't have coffee in the house.

I should have guessed that. This morning I discovered that we were out of coffee fillers. I had to make one out of a paper towel. It worked. Otherwise I would have called in sick to the mall. Come to think of it, I've used up all my sick days, so next time I'm calling in dead.

It ain't over yet

We had a very nice Christmas DAY, but the season isn't over yet. It goes all the way to January first. Make that January second. At least. Then there's all the football games. And more food.

We have more gatherings to attend. Yea!

By the time it's all over, we can all collectively sing. We can be the fat ladies and fat boys chorus.

But first, we all have to eat more stuff. Hope you're all still having fun. No workin', ya hear?
You guys.

Have the merriest of Holidays

I hope whatever holiday you are celebrating this season, it is as good as good can be! For me that means Merry Christmas ! For you, it may mean Happy Hanukkah, *Festivus For The Rest of Us, or even something else entirely. Whatever it is, make it merry.

*C'est chic reminded me of Festivus For The Rest Of Us. Great holiday! How did I forget it?

Nobody knows the truffles I've seen

On Tuesday when I took Peggy for her chemo treatment, I had time to kill. So I went to Chocolate World. Hershey PA truly is a sweet town! I love chocolate, but I didn't buy any for myself. My daughters of course know that they give you chocolate when you take the tour ride which explains how the cacao beans are harvested and become the chocolate that we eat and drink. (They also take a photo of you on the ride. That's me up there. I need color, don'tcha think?)

So, I did eat that little bit of chocolate that they force on you. But all the chocolate that I bought there is for other people. Of course, once you've had Schwartz' chocolate, you don't lust after Hershey chocolate so much anyway.

Most women love chocolate. So if you need to buy one last gift for a woman somewhere, my advice is to make it chocolate.

I shamelessly stole these chocolate rules from this Author Unknown guy. Some name, huh?
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If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Clearly, chocolate is a vegetable. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. A bean is a vegetable. Wait! There's more! Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. QED: chocolate is a vegetable.

Chocolate-covered raisins, -cherries, -orange slices and -strawberries all count as fruit. Eat as many as you want. Fruits are an important part of the Food Pyramid.

Hot tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. I've tested this. It's true.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, chocolate is therapeutic.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

I would like to add my own rules and observations to the above "rules."

Chocolate eaten while standing over the kitchen sink, doesn't count as calories.

Chocolate eaten between midnight at 4 AM has no calories.

Flowers wilt, jewelry tarnishes, and candles burn out ...BUT CHOCOLATE DOESN'T HANG AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO GET OLD. Still, a general rule of thumb is that most any food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. (Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.)

When in doubt, and it's chocolate, go ahead and eat it.

All I want for Christmas

Radio question of the day:
60 percent of married men cannot do this at Christmas time. What is it?

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Well, we're closin' in on Christmas. Hope you have all your shopping done. I have everything ready except the things that can't be done this far ahead, like buying some food products that I want as fresh as possible. Some cooking of course has to be done at the last minute also.

What do you want for Christmas? I mean other than World Peace and such. I know you were gonna ask for "World Peace." You guys. So sweet. But just this once, be selfish. What one material thing that is strictly for yourself, would you want for Christmas?

Don't worry I'm not going to rush out and buy it, so the sky's the limit. Just one thing. Just for you. What does your heart-of-hearts desire for Christmas?

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Answer to question of the day: They cannot remember what they got their wife the year before.

Another volunteer day

Today I take a church friend out to Hershey Medical Center for her chemotherapy treatment. I do this every three weeks. She's a darling person. This takes from 8 AM to about 1 PM, depending on how things go. So, if I'm not too tired when I get back, I'll make the rounds this evening. I miss you guys.

I am very happy to be able to do this for Peggy. She's had two cancers, and all the while her husband is quite sick. He had a liver transplant during her first cancer. Now he needs a new kidney. These are not old people. They are middle-aged. I have my health. I'm humbled by my good luck.

So off I go. But I could leave you with a little something I suppose.
So....

there you are, having a dinner party.....
Your parents are there,
Your in-laws are there,
Your boss and his wife are there,
The minister and his wife are there,
You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner,
Then in walks the dog....

Very busy day

Radio question of the day:

33 percent of us do this in the kitchen. 25 percent in the bedroom? What is it?

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Today is a very busy day for me. I have lots to do including shopping for Christmas Day food and person-sitting dddragon's MIL. No time to write. But, of course, I'll read. You don't get to say that you are busy. I said it first. I'd have nothing to read tonight if you claim that you have a life too.

You guys have a nice day. Somewhere else. And I mean that in the best possible way.

Answer to the question of the day:
What do 33 percent of us do this in the kitchen and 25 percent in the bedroom?

A: Wrap Christmas presents.