Too pooped to post! 

It's the Dreaded Church Yard Sale again

I'm deep in working for the Church Yard Sale. I'm so tired.  

Word Style

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing ONE letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn into, after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

 

My bleeding heart, or whatever

The vampire called, so I gave blood on Tuesday. Today dddragon tried to donate and got rejected. Sad news. Aral is a permanent reject because of living abroad for 3 years. I have to bleed for the family. No problem. I'm up to it. 

Gives me a headache...

Oh, no! I had no idea how addicted to our Blogs I was until last night and this morning. I can't seem to comment on anyone's Blog, and can't seem to even view my own Blog.  

Aging ain't for sissies

There's a chance that I might be old.

I worked a little, and I do mean a little, in the yard today, picking up debris from the car accident. Now my back hurts pretty much. Bummer. 

This could be your child

Note to dddragon: Repeat after me, "I will never complain about my kiddies again! 

So Close to Jesus, He uses my Birthday when he Plays the Lotto

Have you met Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian?
Check her out at http://www.bettybowers.com/
Dear Fellow
American Theocrat:
As those of you who follow my blessed ministry know, Jesus has graciously waived almost all of His more ill-advised New Testament rules for connected, conservative Christians -- providing they meet retroactive, but stringent tithing guidelines. As America's Best Christian, I have, of course, played no small role in this joyous amelioration of Jesus' stated preferences. Indeed, the most useful waiver of scripture occurred after some coquettish wrangling on my part, which stopped perilously short of giving hope that my come-hither glance was anything other than something that happened to work with my Marc Jacobs dress.
After several bottles of a rather pretentious Brunello (that teetered on the threshold of being aloof until it was shown its place by my assertive Baccarat stemware), Jesus waved away His notoriously onerous "Judge Not!" proclamation with a dismissive fluttering of His lovely, if somewhat scarred, Caucasian hands. Friends, truly, the Lord does watch us from afar! Because I immediately recognized that His pantomime had been shamelessly appropriated from me (without, mind you, attribution). Yes, as the Lord floridly freed me from a biblical prohibition I had so often come close to almost following, He employed precisely the same vexed gesticulation I pull from my encyclopedic arsenal when seated in a restaurant near some odious creature that ignites one of those dreadful cigarette things or answers a cell phone.
If this bluntly carved caveat to Jesus' otherwise almost wholly acceptable teachings comes as news to you, someone has evidently not been paying attention to today's conservative Christian politics, dear. Judging is all the rage! Nevertheless, even the most loophole-dexterous Christian never likes to give the impression that one of Jesus' teachings has been forgotten, rather than simply ignored. That is why we take pains to show our awareness of scripture we otherwise seem oblivious about by graciously taking time to verbally apply any orphaned proscription to other people.
This is precisely why Republicans are not simply discarding "Judge Not!" -- to join "Give All Your Money to the Poor" on the already enormous landfill of charming, but regrettably inconvenient Biblical teachings. Instead, "Judge Not!" is being recycled (a word you never thought Jesus would type on my keyboard!) with a glitzy new campaign. You see, since we Republicans are no longer applying the "Judge Not!" rule to ourselves, who better to apply it to than, well - judges?
Yes, those annoying people who run around acting like it is OK to judge. In appalling defiance of the now more literal "Judge Not!" prohibition, judges seemingly make a profession of judging others. And, honestly, who are they to judge?
As the Terri Schiavo case underscored, these annoying people who perversely wear black robes even though they aren't soliciting cash for Christ are currently the biggest impediment to the new, improved American Dream: theocratic mob rule. Drunk with impartiality and left unaccountable to political fashions by the mischievous people who wrote the Constitution, judges are willfully impervious to the normally effective inducements to toe our theological line, such as enormous wads of Indian casino cash or Culture of Life® death threats. No, instead, judges rather rudely ignore our angry glares, stubbornly refusing to be "activist judges" only when it promotes our clearly stated list of righteous, implacable demands.
This is why I am asking all of you to join Senator Bill Frist and me this weekend to celebrate "Justice Sunday ." Justice Sunday is a fabulously inventive "Two Branches of Government are Company - Three's a Crowd" marketing campaign. Sort of a Marbury vs. Madison Avenue approach, if you will. It is all part of our godly efforts to besmirch all judges, irrespective of any purported faith, as God-hating liberals intent on using the so-called Constitution to churlishly tamper with the Lord's greatest gifts to the GOP since communism and Bill Clinton's penis: absolute one-party rule.
I notice over in Rome that after a pragmatic klatch of ambitious cardinals realized that potential promotion to higher, more fabulous hats was possible only from John Paul II being sainted instead of sustained, they shooed the pontiff off to that undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns. After all, a pope in a coma would leave a billion dollar commercial enterprise with no one to sign the checks. And an organization that large simply can't function when its leader is unable to think or speak. America, of course, being the exception.
In any event, I trust that all of you now understand the importance of executing the appropriate legal documents to ensure that one of life's most personal decisions is left to your loved ones. In Congress. Indeed, my freshly minted living will stipulates: "All orders to resuscitate should be ignored unless seen on C-SPAN."
This whole "fobbing off Heaven until the last possible moment" spectacle was brought closer to home with the recent news of my dear friend Jerry Falwell being hospitalized. Rather inventively, Jerry's living will proactively stipulates that his feeding tube is only to spurt viscous fountains of lukewarm gravy. The sight of dear Jerry ferociously fighting the specter of death called to mind my devout suspicion that no one is more afraid of keeping an appointment with Jesus than someone who has parlayed Jesus' anti-materialism teachings into enormous real estate holdings.
They say there are no disbelievers of God in foxholes and, sadly, I suspect that there are also no disbelievers of science on operating tables. Yes, in a gesture of shocking disloyalty, Jerry was heard to ask his doctor, "Before you cut me up or anything, you didn't go to a med school that explains the origins of the Universe with that silly talking snake nonsense did you?"
In closing, if you know someone unsaved (not that I wish to impugn your social circles), please prevail upon him to accept Jesus as his Lord, Savior and inspiration for bracelets and automotive decals. And then invite him to help you prepare props for "Judge Not!" rallies at the courthouses and front lawns of our nation's busybody judges. Perhaps it is simply my deft touch with paper mache, but I always find that an effigy of the Culture of Life's® mascot Eric Rudolf always seems to get those vocationally judgmental people's attention. Even quicker than the saucy décolletage on a Marc Jacobs dress!
So close to Jesus, we filed jointly last week,
Mrs. Betty Bowers
A woman known throughout Christendom for her joie d'après vivre 

Find out what your color taste says about you

Give this a whirl. http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/colorandi.htm
 

The News From Lake Woebegone...CH version

We had an exciting morning! I was in my pajamas (at 11:25 AM) and so was Niks. We laze around on Saturday mornings. Well, Niks is usually still in his pajamas at noon, but I get up at 6 AM on weekdays to walk, and we both get up early on Sunday for church.

Back to my story: Still in my pj's, talking on the phone to Aral, when I heard a big noise, BANG! I thought it was a car backfiring. I casually looked out the kitchen window, and saw our Chevy moving sideways. It was parked on the side driveway, in its usual spot, minding its on business. So it should not have been moving.

I said a quick goodbye to Aral, and ran to the door and looked out. TWO cars were in our yard, a good 50 feet from the By-Pass. They were sideways to the big street, and almost parallel to our front street. They had taken out two trees, and hit our Chevy. WOW. It was quite a sight! I really liked that holly tree. *Sigh*. The Chevy will have to be towed, but the insurance company said to wait until they can come look at it.

One car (Toyota) was driven by a young woman, who is a single mom. She had her eight-month old baby girl in the back seat, in an excellent baby car seat. The baby was not hurt, or even upset. What a good baby. Cute. Nice young woman.

The other car (Buick Wagonmaster) was driven by the husband of Nivek's third-grade teacher. Mr.B. is 85 years old. He was very confused. He was definitely at fault, but truly does not believe that is the case. He lives on the 100 block of our street, just across from the elementary school where Nivek, Lyrahs, Aral, kiddie A, and kiddie B all went to school.

I felt sorry for all of them. I invited everyone in. The patrolman was very nice, and tried hard to be patient with Mr. B, but everyone, except me, was getting very frustrated, even annoyed with him. He should not be driving, that's for sure. He's getting senile.

The young woman's mother drove 45 minutes to pick her up and I entertained them until she got here. I had to talk the mother/grandmother here on her cell phone since she was not familiar with the area at all. They thanked me over and over again when they left, but truly I didn't do anything at all except try to comfort everyone. I hugged Mr. B when the cop drove him home, and I hugged the woman and her mother too. Actually they reached to hug me first.

Both the Toyota and the Buick had to be towed away. There was such a mob scene here! Police, fire trucks, ambulances, two tow trucks, all the neighbors, etc., I coulda, shoulda, had a block party. Missed my big chance. Got a nice chance to visit with the neighbors though. Talked to lots of them while we were waiting for the cops to finish up with the photos, etc.

It's a bright, sunny, beautiful day. I'm glad so many people came to see our lovely cherry tree. Nice.