I Don't Want Any Trouble

* You didn't forward the e-mail on to 10 people like it said, did you?

I got the following message from an e-mail that said (well, it didn't say anything, you had to actually read it) I should forward it to ten people right away, or suffer arm pit rash for ten years. Arm pit rash is every bit as stressful as growin' out your bangs, so I'm just takin' a little short cut here and hoping ten people read this darn thingie.

******************************************
It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric "expenditure" from varied sexual activities.
Now after exhaustive "Original and Proprietary" research we are proud to present the results:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent...................12 Calories
Without her consent............2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands................8 Calories
With one hand...................12 Calories
With your teeth.........485 Calories (some men !)

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection...................6 Calories
Without an erection...........3315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary.................12 Calories
69 lying down.............78 Calories
69 standing up..........812 Calories
Wheelbarrow............216 Calories
Doggy Style...............326 Calories
Italian chandelier...2912 Calories (not verified)

ORGASMS:
Real..................112 Calories
Fake............1315 Calories (some women!)

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.....816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years...................36 Calories
30-39 years....................80 Calories
40-49 years..................124 Calories
50-59 years.................1972 Calories
60-69 years.................7916 Calories
70 and up....Results are still pending (but don't hold your breath)

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly....................32 Calories
In a hurry...............98 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door....5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door......13,521 Calories

Remember, individual results may vary. Report any errors you discover in testing these figures to Exercising for Fun and Profit. Don't tell them who sent you. Please.

*Cartoon and caption stolen from here.

Hump Day

Have a way cool Wednesday.

Just Another Manic Monday

Remember that song by the Bangles? I loved it.

I'm sittin' here waiting for the "install" of my kitchen counters and sink. Sure will be nice to have a sink in the kitchen.


Plumber butt I can live without.

But first the quartz counters will be installed. Then, the plumber will come and connect the new sink and faucet and all that good stuff.

Then I'll be free to let my mind wander over and around other things, like the tile for the backsplash, and new lighting, and the floor...

Sick of the election already

I'm already tired of hearing about the next presidential election.
It's all pointless and hopeless anyhow. The couple of people who raise the most money will run for their ticket and then we have to choose between whomever those two are. Did ya ever wonder how come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America? Just askin'.

Y'all have a good weekend.



If you live in the east, better stay in the shade.



Other than that, don't do anything that I wouldn't do.


That would include skinny dippin'.
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." I was gonna join an excerise group, but they said to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Those people.

Summer's a short timer now

If summer is your season, you'd better get out there and enjoy it now.

I'm a Fall, Winter, Spring person myself.

Three outta four is a pretty good deal.

Torrid Tuesday

Even at 6:15 AM today, my walking buddy and I decided it was too hot and too humid to walk. So we're just sittin' on our fat a$$e$ here.



Not that I'm whining or anything.

(For those who asked about the canoe at the church's yard sale:
we sold that sucker for $165.00! Modern miracle.)

Meditating Monday

I'm just relaxing and thinkin' over here.

Have a marvelous Monday.

Happy Birthday Actonbell

Happy Birthday to my middle child, Actonbell. Such a sweet lady she is.


"And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game"

Joni Mitchell

Church Yard Sale time

It's that time of year again when I'm totally taken up with our church's yard sale. For the first time in, like, forever, I'm not in charge. I think forever is sixteen years.

I refused to do it. The sale is generally in May. But when no one stepped up to volunteer, and I figured I was home-free. Sigh.

But, a new member finally volunteered to do the sale. She's so new that she'd never even been there when we had the sale. She was totally naive about it. She has two kids and she's in law school. She actually thought it was going to be no big deal.

I couldn't just let her sink. She'd had the courage to try. So I've been working as hard as ever on the sale.

August is too hot for a yard sale. We have it mostly inside which is a good thing. I don't know if shoppers go to yard sales in 90 degree weather or not. I'll find out tomorrow bright and early.

It doesn't feel as bad as it usually does. I'm not in charge, so I feel no pressure about the whole thing. And this woman is sweet, after you get to know her. In fact, she's one of those people who you have to work hard at getting to know, but then it turns out to be worth it.



I think one of the funniest things that happened at the sale (so far) is that a guy named Bruce B. (the daughters will know who) came in to make a donation to the sale. Now, we had already closed the donation period at this point, but no one ever pays any attention to us on times, dates, etc. We're Unitarians. Not afraid of God or nothin'.

But that's not funny, or even unusual. While Bruce was talking at to me there, he decided to donate his canoe to the sale. That Bruce. 'Course, he has no way to get this canoe to church.

So, my husband Niks calls the *little old man that he takes care of, Dave P., and asks if he can use Dave's old beater of a car with a roof rack in order to get this damn nice canoe to the church.

Keep in mind that these three guys are at least 240 years old between them.

Well, Bruce had physical therapy in the morning, Niks had a doctor's appointment and Dave also had physical therapy, so they agreed to meet at Bruce's house at 2:15 PM the next day to get this canoe, which at this point Bruce is calling "beautiful," with tears in his eyes and everything.

Bruce has to lean heavily on a cane, and so does Dave. Niks has Parkinson's Disease and every other thing too. I wish I could have been there to see them messing with this canoe.

Not to worry. Without them knowing it in advance, I had a much younger guy just happen to show up at Bruce's house and help them. That way I don't have to cook for three memorial services and also I get the skinny on what happened.

Mike, the younger guy, told me that the canoe was full of mud when he arrived.

"Bruce said it was beautiful"! I told him.

Mike told me that it was a nice canoe after he hosed it out for an hour. And it was. We priced it at $150.

Y'all should come on over to the church. Good stuff cheap!

* Niks is old. He has lots of physical problems, but he actually does "take care" of an older-than-he-is man, who has even more physical problems. Niks has a heart of gold.

Rabbit rabbit

Can you believe that it's August again?

Went to see Michael Moore's Sicko last night. Loved it.

Better say Rabbit rabbit or you'll end up in the hospital or sumtin' bad like that.

I sure hope this bunny has health insurance. Just sayin'.