Bad jokes

Radio Question of the Day:
77% of single men go a month or more without doing this. What is it?


**********************************



Didcha see the movie A Prairie Home Companion? Do you listen to A Prairie Home Companion on PBS Radio? I love it. If you don’t listen to the radio show, then I’m afraid the movie probably isn’t for you—it might not make any sense to you. But if you like the radio show, you’ll like the movie.

It’s got everybody in it: Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Kevin Kline, Woody Harrelson, John C. Reilly, Tommy Lee Jones, Lindsay Lohan, and of course Garrison Keillor. Maya Rudolph and Virginia Madsen are also in it and they are very good. I’d never heard of either of them before.

Harrelson and Reilly steal the show as far as I’m concerned. Normally I’m not a Woody Harrelson fan, but he’s just right in this. John C. Reilly is a favorite of mine.

I especially liked their singing the song, “Bad Jokes.”
They sing: “Bad jokes, lord I love’em,
bad jokes, caint get enough of’em,
oooh ooh woo wee, Bad Jokes for me....”
Then they tell a corny joke and sing some more, puttin’ in corny, mostly off-color jokes as they go.

Jokes like:

“The blind man’s seein’-eye dog pissed on the blind man’s shoe.
The blind man said, ‘Here Rover, here’s a piece of beef for you.’
His wife said, ‘Don’t reward him, you can’t just let that pass,’
The blind man said, ‘I gotta find his mouth
so I can kick him in the ass.’”

Stupid, corny jokes. Bad jokes. Apparently, I can’t get enough of’em.

This one sure fits the bill:

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his best friend Bubba driving a brand new pickup truck.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin as Jimmy Joe asked, "Bubba, where'd you get that new truck?!?"
Bubba answered, "My gal Bobby Sue gave it to me for a graduation present!"
Jimmy Joe replied, "I knew she was kinda sweet on you, but a new truck for graduation?!"
Bubba answered, "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. Graduation night we were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all of her clothes and said,
'Bubba, it's our graduation night! Take whatever you want!' So I took the truck!"
Jimmy Joe said, "Bubba, you're one smart man! Bobby Sue's clothes never would have fit you!" That Jimmy Joe.
*******************************

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Cleaning the bathroom.

Oh? And single men differ in this respect from married men, how?

Real Men

Radio Question of the Day:

65% of fathers refuse to allow their children to touch this. What is it?
***********************

This morning on the radio I learned that the metrosexual is OUT. Those guys. OUT. Real men are back "in." Well! Doesn’t that just frost your cookie?

I looked up the real, official definition of metrosexual. Here it is.
Metrosexual (met.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle.

That’s as opposed to a real man, who spends his time and money being all stressed out with no one to choke.

Hollywood is full of the metrosexual guys. So now, they’re not going to eat quiche or wear salmon-colored dress shirts? They won’t be getting pedicures and manicures and strut their stuff like peacocks? They’ll stop getting their hair highlighted and going to tanning salons? Do I believe that?

A metro-man is a straight guy who uses at least three different hair products, loves clothes and shopping for them. He’s romantic and sensitive. The kinda guy that makes you wonder, “Is he gay, or is he just British?” He’s got money to spend and he prefers to live in a big city. Duh. That’s where all the best shops are. Plus gyms and good hairdressers. Someone said that a metrosexual is a clotheshorse wrapped around a dandy fused with a narcissist.

I don’t want to be too judgmental ‘cause I don’t actually know a metrosexual. I wouldn’t mind if my husband gave up some of his 23-year-old shirts. Lots of men are in a time warp as far as clothes are concerned. But I’m glad he doesn’t use makeup and do stuff like that.

But now “real men” are back! Is this a good thing? If it means that baseball players will wear fewer necklaces, I’m all for it.

****************************
Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

The thermostat.
It takes a real man to take control of the thermostat. And the remote control. Oh. Wait. That’s all men. You guys.

Overeating

Radio Question of the Day:

According to a popular men's magazine, the average man will do this only six times this year... What is it?

*************************

At my house we seem to use any and every "holiday" as an excuse to overeat. Take Father's Day for example. We overate. We also overfed everyone else who would let us. That TLP. Food pusher.

*************************

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Go to the movies. My husband Niks is far above average.

Cards

Radio Question of the Day:

83% of women in Oklahoma say they can't live without this... What is it?

***************************

Didcha listen to “All Things Considered” on PBS tonight? They did a good story on Shoebox Greeting cards.

Cards that say things like, "You should call your mom on your birthday and have a nice long conversation about your life. Hurry up now, your birthday's not going to ruin itself."

And, “You'll always be my Dad. That's one thing the casinos can’t take away from me.”

I like this one: “Give a dad a fish and he will eat it. Teach a dad to fish and he will drink beer on the dock.”

Here's some samples of stuff that's funny, but not going to make the cut into a greeting card for sale:


and



******************************
Answer to the Radio Question of the day:

Hair Spray.
Nationwide only 31 percent say they need hair spray. Guess it’s a big-hair thing. Those gals.

Good Times

Radio Question of the Day:

27% of women say they'd rather get their wisdom teeth pulled than do this... What is it?
***********************

Talkin’ about questions, this *guy at my church asked some interesting questions recently. Questions like, “These gay immigrants who come here illegally to get abortions. Will a constitutional amendment prevent them from burning the flag?”

Also, “What is a gay marriage band? Why do you need a special band for a gay marriage? Is it a klezmer band? Is it a salsa band?” I told him I think it’s just a band that plays all happy tunes. You know, no sad love songs for a gay wedding.

But he thinks that maybe the reason that gay marriage is a threat to traditional marriage is the better bands. Well, duh. Sad love songs at a wedding are an omen for sure.

He doesn’t limit himself to immigration and gay marriage. He wonders too, “Now that Republicans run literally everything, when will the government start getting smaller? When will it start minding its own business?” I told him, the answer to that is any day now. It’s been only six or so years that they’ve been totally in charge. ‘Course I don’t really believe that. But I’m a Unitarian like him, so I don’t have to believe.
******************************

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Shop for a bathing suit. Oh, yeah. I saw that comin’.


* His name is Pat Carroll and he writes for a living. Sez he’ll “write for food.” So if you’ve got extra food that you aren’t takin’ to the Food Bank, send it to old Pat and he’ll write you a thank you note. That Pat.

Barking up the wrong meter

Radio Question of the Day:

A recent survey asked: "Besides love and money, what's the one thing you need to make you truly happy?" What was the Number One answer?

***********************************


Just about three people are born every second. About 1.333 people die every second. So, there's a 2 and two-thirds increase in the population each and every second. About 10 people have been born while you were reading this little factoid. Stop reading NOW! Get out and run over or otherwise kill a few folks. No wonder it's so hard to find a parking space. Jeez.

Hey, didcha know that the parking meter was invented by C.C. Magee in 1935? That Magee! Musta been a greedy bastard.

Another very interesting fact: The average motorist will spend over two weeks of his or her life waiting for the traffic light to change. I've been behind a couple of those people. Whatcha gotta do is HONK. Loud. Some people. 'Course once I honked at a guy who got out, came to my car window, and thanked me for letting him know that the light changed. We missed a coupla green lights while he was being so polite to me.

*************************************
Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:
Sleep.

Duh. Well, with enough money you can get a lot of love, and sleep around all you want.

Nothing at all

Radio question of the day:

Which is Africa's most populous nation?
Which is its largest by size?
Which of its nations has the largest economy?

Huh? Like we care! We're Americans damnitall! We don't gotta care 'bout nowheres else. Hrmpf.

******************

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are drinkin' a lotta shit! Actual poop.

But, we do not run that risk when drinking wine because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

So, it's better to drink wine and stuff and talk shit, than to drink water and be full of shit. Just sayin'.

(No need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service.)

In other news: Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. It also gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," and "highballs." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name Mount and Do.

****************

Nigeria is Africa's most populous nation. Sudan is largest by area. South Africa has the largest economy by far. As if you care. You guys. Shallow.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

You've probably seen this before. So why are you here anyhoo? There's never nothin' of importance on this site!


Good : Your wife is pregnant.

Bad : It's triplets.

Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.


Good : Your wife's not talking to you

Bad : She wants a divorce.

Ugly : She's a lawyer.


Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad : He's involved with the women next door.

Ugly : So are you.


Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly : You're in them.


Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.


Good : Your husband understands fashion.

Bad : He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly : He looks better than you.


Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.

Bad : She keeps interrupting.

Ugly : With corrections


Good : Your son is dating someone new.

Not so good : It's another man.

Kinda Ugly : He's your best friend.


Good : Your daughter got a new job.

Bad : As a hooker.

Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.

Way Ugly : She makes more money than you do.

Meme

It seems I have a couple of lurkers out there. Who knew? Not me. I lurk on blogs myself, so it shouldn't have been a big surprise.

One of these lurkers e-mailed me a meme. I got nothin' else to say, so I figured I do this meme. Here goes.

Does your mate annoy you without realizing it? How do you bring it to his attention?

Hoo Boy! Does he ever! I usually hit him over the head with a skillet. I don't cook much, so this is a good use for the skillet.

What was your first impression upon meeting your mate? Has that impression changed?

The first time I ever saw Niks, he was sitting at his desk in his office, wearing a red leather cap. That Niks. This was a protest about the air conditioning blowing on his head. He's been bald since he was in his early twenties, so he is sensitive to air blowing on his head. I thought he was a NUT. Now, I realize that he is a cross between a bird and a nut. A sweet bird and a nutty nut.

Does your mate do anything that embarrasses you? What?

You're kidding. Right? Of course he does. That's what husbands do. What? I don't know where to start. I'll just list one: he undoes his pants when he eats to allow for the expanding belly. No matter where he is. That guy.

Would you ever go to an all-nude beach?

What? I thought this was all about my mate! Hrumpf. Okay. Sure. I'd go to an all-nude beach. Would I strip myself? You know what? Yes, I would. When I was young and had a nice body, the answer would have been "no." Now I'm old, and if the other nudes were not people I would see again, I would be okay with being naked. But I wouldn't do it in front of folks that I know.

If it's May, it must be Church Yard Sale time.

Radio question of the day:

The number one cause of fist fights in America is over a woman. What is the number two cause?
**************************************

Well once again it’s the dreaded Church-Yard-Sale time of year. My church has had a yard sale for the last 15 years, and I’ve been involved every year. For many of those years I was in charge of it. The last couple of years I’ve been “assisting,” which turns out to be even more work. Hard work. You know, “they” lied. Hard work has killed lots of people.

But I’m like the president of our great country. I’m stayin’ the course with the church yard sale stuff. You know, STAY THE COURSE: Say and do the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.

At least working for two weeks at the church sorting and pricing old junk does keep me from eating all the time. Seems like food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can’t even get into my own pants.

My church is Unitarian-Universalist, as most of you know. This past Sunday I was thinkin’ that the reason we Unitarians don’t sing so hot is that we’re always reading ahead to see if we agree with the next verse. If folks don’t agree with it, they just sing whatever. Those U-U's.

The yard sale is one of the dumbest things I do. Well, of course, it’s not as dumb as pick up the feces of a lesser mammal for a living. And half of you do that for free. You guys. Havin’ pets always sounds like it’s lots of fun, but it really follows the Gold Standard 80/20 rule of life. You know, the rule that says that 80 percent of everything in life is bad, and 20 percent is good. In the case of pets, the 20 percent is the free dog or cat hair so you can knit yourself a sweater or somethin’, and the 80 percent is poop.

***********************************

Answer to the radio question of the day: Parking spaces.

That’s more like it. Parking spaces are harder to find that women.