Thursday, September 27, 2007

It's annoying

Everybody and her uncle have been callin' us lately. They all want the same thing: our money.

It's gettin' annoying. ANNOYING I tell ya!

I'm on the "do not call" list, but the folks who call are charities and political parties. They get to call you anyway. I feel sorry for anyone who has to try to make a living by making these calls, but I do hate the calls.

Any ideas????

Speaking of politicians:

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for a Politician?"
The cook, overhearing the question replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Monday, September 24, 2007

My head is spinning

Husband Niks watches TV with the remote firmly in his hand. That Niks. At least I think it’s in his hand. Could be connected intravenously. He does seem to feel as if he would croak if it became disconnected, so maybe that’s it.

Yesterday he was watching the Philadelphia Eagles. I try to root for his team, but yesterday I was pullin’ for the wrong team. That’s ‘cause they weren’t wearing the right colors. How was I to know that this team, whose colors are green and white, was today wearing uniforms of yellow and blue? Those iggles. Versatile. They won anyway, even without me.

But Niks can’t watch anything straight through. He has to keep switching stations. Makes me want to rip that thing outta his hand.

So we’re watching his iggles, and then during a lull, suddenly we’re watching an old movie. The young people in it are passing a graveyard. There’s eerie music. Wait! There’s a light in the graveyard! So naturally they go to investigate this light and maybe the creepy music too. Only in the movies, right? I mean, would you go into a graveyard at night to investigate a light, especially if there’s weird music playing?

Now we’ve moved on to sumtin else. I musta blinked. It’s a cop show. The cops had to go into a strip club. Well, duh! All police investigations involve visiting a strip club at least once. Am I right?

What's this?! LJB is giving a speech. We’ve wandered into Public TV Land. Some show about civil rights for Mexicans. Looks interesting. Ooops! That was a nanosecond of my life that I will never get back.

I don’t know what we’re watching now, but some plain girl just became beautiful just by removing her glasses and shaking out her hair. Bet you never saw that in a movie before.

TV and movies are like that. Just like on television no one ever runs out of bullets. On the rare occasion when they do, they always throw the gun at their attacker. But the attacker always ducks and never gets hit.

Oh, excuse me, that’s some quarterback getting’ hit. I’m like, totally, confused.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Happy Birthday to my sweetie

Today is my husband Niks’ 79th birthday.

In 1928 the total U.S. population was 120,509,000. It’s now 301,139,947. That Niks. (But he claims it’s not his fault.)

The first Academy Awards ceremony wasn’t held until May 1929. Niks is older than the Oscars! The first best actor recipient was Emil Jannings, and it wasn’t just for one movie. They did things differently then. A popular movie was Wings. Never heard of it. Clara Bow and Gary Cooper were in it. Niks says he liked Tom Mix movies. He would.

Some things that happened in 1928:
Alexander Fleming discovers Penicillin.
Mickey Mouse appears in Steamboat Willie, the first sound cartoon. The first talkie had happened in 1927.
Eliot Ness begins to lead the prohibition unit in Chicago.
The first US air-conditioned office building opens in San Antonio.
Herbert Hoover (R) is elected president.
Mae West's NYC debut in a daring new play "Diamond Lil" That Mae. So daring.
Scotch tape is first marketed by 3-M Company.
Al Jolson’s Sonny Boy is the number one song for 12 weeks. Oh yuck!

You could buy a house with all the extras like gas, electric and water for under $5,000.
A loaf of bread cost about 9 cents, a gallon of milk 56 cents, a dozen eggs was 46 cents, and ice was sold in blocks rather than bags.

A textile mill worker made $13.00 a week, a waitress in a tourist resort made $4 per week. Typical house rent was $12 per month. Postage stamps were a penny. You could buy a Ford for $290 and get 5 gallons of gasoline for a buck. And you called it gasoline, not gas.

It was the jazz age and folks danced the Charleston. The Star Spangled Banner didn’t become the national anthem until 1931. So, Niks is older than even than that!

Sliced bread was born in Chillicothe, Missouri, on July 7, 1928.

The Lincoln Highway was the first road across America and wasn’t completely paved until the 1930s.

A newspaper ad looked like this:

Here's a Sears Roebuck catalog entry from 1928:

Boy! Niks is older’n dirt! I have no idea what dirt used to cost. But I bet it was less than now.

He denies all knowledge of those bloomers too. That guy.

Sunday, September 16, 2007


Why do things inevitably and steadily deteriorate?

You finally get the perfect haircut. It grows. Sh*t.

You redecorate a room, get a new rug. People insist on walking on it. Sh*t.

You replace one thing. Everything around it looks shabby. Sh*t.

You make up the bed in the morning. That night the husband won't sleep on top of the covers. Sh*t. He won't eat standing up and leaning over the sink either. Crap.

Keeping house is like stringing beads without putting a knot in the end of the string. Bugger.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Scavenger Hunt

Okaaayyyy! Awrightie! Goldennib has thrown down a challenge scavenger hunt, and I'm playin'! I'm so very cool. You have to go over to her place to read the rules. I gotta get movin' here.

The first item is Angry Art:

I'm pretty sure this guy's name is Art, and he looks mad as hell to me. So. Angry Art.

Number two is Bald Bench.

Before Reds catcher Johnny Bench went bald, he was hot.

Number three is Creepy Caterpillar.

Creepy caterpillar is, like, totally redundant. All caterpillars are creepy.

Number four is dangerous dog.

This dog is Doug of Awaking Ambrose. Don't get between him and his big breakfast. Talk about danger! That dawg.

Number five is Excited elephant.

Whatdchaexpect? An elephant taking his Viagra pills? This is more exciting. Just admit it.

Next we have Funny Fender.

I think this fender with a guard is funny as all get out.

For the letter G, we do Golden Gesture.

I guess we told them! We're always screwing gesturing to someone.

Whew. Jeez. I'm only to Humble House.

Is this just so sweet or what?

On to Innocent Igloo.
What makes this so innocent is it's the married couple above. On their honeymoon. See? Innocent. Like totally. And, it was an igloo.

J is for Jumpy Jaguar.
So easy and so obvious and so not funny that you'd think I was getting tired or sumtin'.

Okay. What now? Oh, yeah. Kind Kitten. How hard can that be? Don't you wish you had a kitten that kind?

L is for Little Lion.
Ain't he cute? And I'm not lying.

Next we do Mean Melon.

Man, there ain't nothing meaner'n a cannibalistic melon!

Nine Noses? WTF? NINE???? I gotta take a break!
Okay. I'm back. Didchamissme?
Nine Noses:

Wow, we're all the way to Orange Opponent!

You know that they're opponents 'cause all the good teams are blue and white. I mean if God isn't a Penn State fan, then why is the sky blue and white?

Pointed pendant sounds cool. Maybe.
I believe this pendant has a point. I just don't know what it is.

Getting tired. You too?
Now, it's Q for Quartered Queen. Say what? This is Catherine of Aragon. She was quartered at Kimbolton, secluded from King Henry and her daughter, Mary, because ol' Henry couldn't manage to impregnate her with a healthy son. That Henry. See the elephant above for tips.

Awrightie. R is Red Road. I hope that's not too hard. Like Henry.
Red enough for me.

S is for Steamy salt. I have no ideas for that at all!This is an Epsom steamy salt bath. Would I lie?

T is for Terrible Theater. I wish that were difficult.

Directed by Ed Wood. I rest my case.

U is Unhappy Umbrella.
This umbrella is not unhappy because it's broken. It broke itself to avoid being seen over "W".

V is for Vulnerable Vampire.
See, Buffy is a vampire KILLER, so it's the vampire who's in trouble here.

My fingers are tired. So's my butt from sittin' here. But I'm too competitive to stop! So on to W is for Whimpy Walrus.
Ya call that a mustache? Pretty whimpy if you ask me.

X is for Xanthic Xebec. Had to look up both of these words. So I'm givin' ya the yellowest xebec I could find.

Gettin' close here. Y is for Yarling Yarn.
You can go here and read a yarn about her.

Done at last, done at last, thank gawd awmighty, I'm done at last!
Z is for Zesty Zimocca.

And if that zimocca isn't zesty, then I don't know my zimocca.

Oh. I actually don't know my zimocca. But google says that there's zimocca.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Say what????

I was just over at daughter Actonbell's blog and she mentioned that September 12 is Sex Day in Russia. Those Russians! Who knew? Did you know?

Found this on Google:

BEIJING, Aug. 16 (Xinhuanet) -- In an effort to fight Russia's birthrate crisis, a region on the Volga River about 550 miles east of Moscow has declared Sept. 12 the Day of Conception and for the third-straight year is giving couples time of from work to have sex.
Ulyanovsk has held similar contests since 2005. And since then, the number of competitors, and the number of babies born to them, has risen.

Well butter my butt and call me biscuit!

The hope is for a brood of babies exactly nine months later on Russia's national day. Couples who "give birth to a patriot" during the June 12 festivities win money, cars, refrigerators and other prizes.

OMG! The pressure! This has gotta be every bit as stressful as growin' out your bangs!

Russia has one-seventh of the Earth's land surface, but only 141.4 million citizens, making it one of the most sparsely settled countries in the world. Because of a low birthrate and very high death rate, the population has been declining since the early 1990s.

Now, why you suppose that our illegal immigrants don't go over there?

In his state of the nation address last year, President Vladimir Putin called the demographic crisis the most acute problem facing Russia and announced a broad effort to boost Russia's birthrate, including cash incentives to families to have more than one child.

Now, I find this out! I could have been a contender! I had four kids. Like a bald man gettin' a comb for Christmas. Too late now.

Do they send National Sex Day Greeting Cards? Something like,
We're planning a romantic affair,
Something special is in the air,
Kindly save the date below,
So when it comes, you'll be able to...

No. That's no good. Nothing will come from that. Well, something might come, but nothing......Oh,heck, you're messin' with my train of thought here.

Do they post signs about it???

You can skip work and not have to make up excuses for it!

I hate to say it, but there will be those who do make excuses for not joining in on the fun work whatever.

I just noticed that September 12 is a Wednesday. That's hump day, huh?

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Rabbit Rabbit

Oh, my. September already.

You know the drill.

Rabbit rabbit.