Friday, June 30, 2006

Rabbit Rabbit ...It's July

Rabbit rabbit! It's July 1 already! Amazing.

The rabbits in these parts have needed umbrellas, but it has finally stopped raining. Best of all, they have canceled the "boil water" directive.

Happy first of July to you all.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Bad jokes

Radio Question of the Day:
77% of single men go a month or more without doing this. What is it?


Didcha see the movie A Prairie Home Companion? Do you listen to A Prairie Home Companion on PBS Radio? I love it. If you don’t listen to the radio show, then I’m afraid the movie probably isn’t for you—it might not make any sense to you. But if you like the radio show, you’ll like the movie.

It’s got everybody in it: Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Kevin Kline, Woody Harrelson, John C. Reilly, Tommy Lee Jones, Lindsay Lohan, and of course Garrison Keillor. Maya Rudolph and Virginia Madsen are also in it and they are very good. I’d never heard of either of them before.

Harrelson and Reilly steal the show as far as I’m concerned. Normally I’m not a Woody Harrelson fan, but he’s just right in this. John C. Reilly is a favorite of mine.

I especially liked their singing the song, “Bad Jokes.”
They sing: “Bad jokes, lord I love’em,
bad jokes, caint get enough of’em,
oooh ooh woo wee, Bad Jokes for me....”
Then they tell a corny joke and sing some more, puttin’ in corny, mostly off-color jokes as they go.

Jokes like:

“The blind man’s seein’-eye dog pissed on the blind man’s shoe.
The blind man said, ‘Here Rover, here’s a piece of beef for you.’
His wife said, ‘Don’t reward him, you can’t just let that pass,’
The blind man said, ‘I gotta find his mouth
so I can kick him in the ass.’”

Stupid, corny jokes. Bad jokes. Apparently, I can’t get enough of’em.

This one sure fits the bill:

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his best friend Bubba driving a brand new pickup truck.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin as Jimmy Joe asked, "Bubba, where'd you get that new truck?!?"
Bubba answered, "My gal Bobby Sue gave it to me for a graduation present!"
Jimmy Joe replied, "I knew she was kinda sweet on you, but a new truck for graduation?!"
Bubba answered, "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. Graduation night we were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all of her clothes and said,
'Bubba, it's our graduation night! Take whatever you want!' So I took the truck!"
Jimmy Joe said, "Bubba, you're one smart man! Bobby Sue's clothes never would have fit you!" That Jimmy Joe.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Cleaning the bathroom.

Oh? And single men differ in this respect from married men, how?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Real Men

Radio Question of the Day:

65% of fathers refuse to allow their children to touch this. What is it?

This morning on the radio I learned that the metrosexual is OUT. Those guys. OUT. Real men are back "in." Well! Doesn’t that just frost your cookie?

I looked up the real, official definition of metrosexual. Here it is.
Metrosexual (met.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle.

That’s as opposed to a real man, who spends his time and money being all stressed out with no one to choke.

Hollywood is full of the metrosexual guys. So now, they’re not going to eat quiche or wear salmon-colored dress shirts? They won’t be getting pedicures and manicures and strut their stuff like peacocks? They’ll stop getting their hair highlighted and going to tanning salons? Do I believe that?

A metro-man is a straight guy who uses at least three different hair products, loves clothes and shopping for them. He’s romantic and sensitive. The kinda guy that makes you wonder, “Is he gay, or is he just British?” He’s got money to spend and he prefers to live in a big city. Duh. That’s where all the best shops are. Plus gyms and good hairdressers. Someone said that a metrosexual is a clotheshorse wrapped around a dandy fused with a narcissist.

I don’t want to be too judgmental ‘cause I don’t actually know a metrosexual. I wouldn’t mind if my husband gave up some of his 23-year-old shirts. Lots of men are in a time warp as far as clothes are concerned. But I’m glad he doesn’t use makeup and do stuff like that.

But now “real men” are back! Is this a good thing? If it means that baseball players will wear fewer necklaces, I’m all for it.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

The thermostat.
It takes a real man to take control of the thermostat. And the remote control. Oh. Wait. That’s all men. You guys.

Monday, June 19, 2006


Radio Question of the Day:

According to a popular men's magazine, the average man will do this only six times this year... What is it?


At my house we seem to use any and every "holiday" as an excuse to overeat. Take Father's Day for example. We overate. We also overfed everyone else who would let us. That TLP. Food pusher.


Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Go to the movies. My husband Niks is far above average.

Thursday, June 15, 2006


Radio Question of the Day:

83% of women in Oklahoma say they can't live without this... What is it?


Didcha listen to “All Things Considered” on PBS tonight? They did a good story on Shoebox Greeting cards.

Cards that say things like, "You should call your mom on your birthday and have a nice long conversation about your life. Hurry up now, your birthday's not going to ruin itself."

And, “You'll always be my Dad. That's one thing the casinos can’t take away from me.”

I like this one: “Give a dad a fish and he will eat it. Teach a dad to fish and he will drink beer on the dock.”

Here's some samples of stuff that's funny, but not going to make the cut into a greeting card for sale:


Answer to the Radio Question of the day:

Hair Spray.
Nationwide only 31 percent say they need hair spray. Guess it’s a big-hair thing. Those gals.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Good Times

Radio Question of the Day:

27% of women say they'd rather get their wisdom teeth pulled than do this... What is it?

Talkin’ about questions, this *guy at my church asked some interesting questions recently. Questions like, “These gay immigrants who come here illegally to get abortions. Will a constitutional amendment prevent them from burning the flag?”

Also, “What is a gay marriage band? Why do you need a special band for a gay marriage? Is it a klezmer band? Is it a salsa band?” I told him I think it’s just a band that plays all happy tunes. You know, no sad love songs for a gay wedding.

But he thinks that maybe the reason that gay marriage is a threat to traditional marriage is the better bands. Well, duh. Sad love songs at a wedding are an omen for sure.

He doesn’t limit himself to immigration and gay marriage. He wonders too, “Now that Republicans run literally everything, when will the government start getting smaller? When will it start minding its own business?” I told him, the answer to that is any day now. It’s been only six or so years that they’ve been totally in charge. ‘Course I don’t really believe that. But I’m a Unitarian like him, so I don’t have to believe.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Shop for a bathing suit. Oh, yeah. I saw that comin’.

* His name is Pat Carroll and he writes for a living. Sez he’ll “write for food.” So if you’ve got extra food that you aren’t takin’ to the Food Bank, send it to old Pat and he’ll write you a thank you note. That Pat.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Barking up the wrong meter

Radio Question of the Day:

A recent survey asked: "Besides love and money, what's the one thing you need to make you truly happy?" What was the Number One answer?


Just about three people are born every second. About 1.333 people die every second. So, there's a 2 and two-thirds increase in the population each and every second. About 10 people have been born while you were reading this little factoid. Stop reading NOW! Get out and run over or otherwise kill a few folks. No wonder it's so hard to find a parking space. Jeez.

Hey, didcha know that the parking meter was invented by C.C. Magee in 1935? That Magee! Musta been a greedy bastard.

Another very interesting fact: The average motorist will spend over two weeks of his or her life waiting for the traffic light to change. I've been behind a couple of those people. Whatcha gotta do is HONK. Loud. Some people. 'Course once I honked at a guy who got out, came to my car window, and thanked me for letting him know that the light changed. We missed a coupla green lights while he was being so polite to me.

Answer to the Radio Question of the Day:

Duh. Well, with enough money you can get a lot of love, and sleep around all you want.