Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing ONE letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn into, after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Monday, April 18, 2005
Have you met Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian?
Check her out at http://www.bettybowers.com/
As those of you who follow my blessed ministry know, Jesus has graciously waived almost all of His more ill-advised New Testament rules for connected, conservative Christians -- providing they meet retroactive, but stringent tithing guidelines. As America's Best Christian, I have, of course, played no small role in this joyous amelioration of Jesus' stated preferences. Indeed, the most useful waiver of scripture occurred after some coquettish wrangling on my part, which stopped perilously short of giving hope that my come-hither glance was anything other than something that happened to work with my Marc Jacobs dress.
After several bottles of a rather pretentious Brunello (that teetered on the threshold of being aloof until it was shown its place by my assertive Baccarat stemware), Jesus waved away His notoriously onerous "Judge Not!" proclamation with a dismissive fluttering of His lovely, if somewhat scarred, Caucasian hands. Friends, truly, the Lord does watch us from afar! Because I immediately recognized that His pantomime had been shamelessly appropriated from me (without, mind you, attribution). Yes, as the Lord floridly freed me from a biblical prohibition I had so often come close to almost following, He employed precisely the same vexed gesticulation I pull from my encyclopedic arsenal when seated in a restaurant near some odious creature that ignites one of those dreadful cigarette things or answers a cell phone.
If this bluntly carved caveat to Jesus' otherwise almost wholly acceptable teachings comes as news to you, someone has evidently not been paying attention to today's conservative Christian politics, dear. Judging is all the rage! Nevertheless, even the most loophole-dexterous Christian never likes to give the impression that one of Jesus' teachings has been forgotten, rather than simply ignored. That is why we take pains to show our awareness of scripture we otherwise seem oblivious about by graciously taking time to verbally apply any orphaned proscription to other people.
This is precisely why Republicans are not simply discarding "Judge Not!" -- to join "Give All Your Money to the Poor" on the already enormous landfill of charming, but regrettably inconvenient Biblical teachings. Instead, "Judge Not!" is being recycled (a word you never thought Jesus would type on my keyboard!) with a glitzy new campaign. You see, since we Republicans are no longer applying the "Judge Not!" rule to ourselves, who better to apply it to than, well - judges?
Yes, those annoying people who run around acting like it is OK to judge. In appalling defiance of the now more literal "Judge Not!" prohibition, judges seemingly make a profession of judging others. And, honestly, who are they to judge?
As the Terri Schiavo case underscored, these annoying people who perversely wear black robes even though they aren't soliciting cash for Christ are currently the biggest impediment to the new, improved American Dream: theocratic mob rule. Drunk with impartiality and left unaccountable to political fashions by the mischievous people who wrote the Constitution, judges are willfully impervious to the normally effective inducements to toe our theological line, such as enormous wads of Indian casino cash or Culture of Life® death threats. No, instead, judges rather rudely ignore our angry glares, stubbornly refusing to be "activist judges" only when it promotes our clearly stated list of righteous, implacable demands.
This is why I am asking all of you to join Senator Bill Frist and me this weekend to celebrate "Justice Sunday
I notice over in Rome that after a pragmatic klatch of ambitious cardinals realized that potential promotion to higher, more fabulous hats was possible only from John Paul II being sainted instead of sustained, they shooed the pontiff off to that undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns. After all, a pope in a coma would leave a billion dollar commercial enterprise with no one to sign the checks. And an organization that large simply can't function when its leader is unable to think or speak. America, of course, being the exception.
In any event, I trust that all of you now understand the importance of executing the appropriate legal documents to ensure that one of life's most personal decisions is left to your loved ones. In Congress. Indeed, my freshly minted living will stipulates: "All orders to resuscitate should be ignored unless seen on C-SPAN."
This whole "fobbing off Heaven until the last possible moment" spectacle was brought closer to home with the recent news of my dear friend Jerry Falwell being hospitalized. Rather inventively, Jerry's living will proactively stipulates that his feeding tube is only to spurt viscous fountains of lukewarm gravy. The sight of dear Jerry ferociously fighting the specter of death called to mind my devout suspicion that no one is more afraid of keeping an appointment with Jesus than someone who has parlayed Jesus' anti-materialism teachings into enormous real estate holdings.
They say there are no disbelievers of God in foxholes and, sadly, I suspect that there are also no disbelievers of science on operating tables. Yes, in a gesture of shocking disloyalty, Jerry was heard to ask his doctor, "Before you cut me up or anything, you didn't go to a med school that explains the origins of the Universe with that silly talking snake nonsense did you?"
In closing, if you know someone unsaved (not that I wish to impugn your social circles), please prevail upon him to accept Jesus as his Lord, Savior and inspiration for bracelets and automotive decals. And then invite him to help you prepare props for "Judge Not!" rallies at the courthouses and front lawns of our nation's busybody judges. Perhaps it is simply my deft touch with paper mache, but I always find that an effigy of the Culture of Life's® mascot Eric Rudolf always seems to get those vocationally judgmental people's attention. Even quicker than the saucy décolletage on a Marc Jacobs dress!
So close to Jesus, we filed jointly last week,
Mrs. Betty Bowers
A woman known throughout Christendom for her joie d'après vivre
Saturday, April 16, 2005
We had an exciting morning! I was in my pajamas (at 11:25 AM) and so was Niks. We laze around on Saturday mornings. Well, Niks is usually still in his pajamas at noon, but I get up at 6 AM on weekdays to walk, and we both get up early on Sunday for church.
Back to my story: Still in my pj's, talking on the phone to Aral, when I heard a big noise, BANG! I thought it was a car backfiring. I casually looked out the kitchen window, and saw our Chevy moving sideways. It was parked on the side driveway, in its usual spot, minding its on business. So it should not have been moving.
I said a quick goodbye to Aral, and ran to the door and looked out. TWO cars were in our yard, a good 50 feet from the By-Pass. They were sideways to the big street, and almost parallel to our front street. They had taken out two trees, and hit our Chevy. WOW. It was quite a sight! I really liked that holly tree. *Sigh*. The Chevy will have to be towed, but the insurance company said to wait until they can come look at it.
One car (Toyota) was driven by a young woman, who is a single mom. She had her eight-month old baby girl in the back seat, in an excellent baby car seat. The baby was not hurt, or even upset. What a good baby. Cute. Nice young woman.
The other car (Buick Wagonmaster) was driven by the husband of Nivek's third-grade teacher. Mr.B. is 85 years old. He was very confused. He was definitely at fault, but truly does not believe that is the case. He lives on the 100 block of our street, just across from the elementary school where Nivek, Lyrahs, Aral, kiddie A, and kiddie B all went to school.
I felt sorry for all of them. I invited everyone in. The patrolman was very nice, and tried hard to be patient with Mr. B, but everyone, except me, was getting very frustrated, even annoyed with him. He should not be driving, that's for sure. He's getting senile.
The young woman's mother drove 45 minutes to pick her up and I entertained them until she got here. I had to talk the mother/grandmother here on her cell phone since she was not familiar with the area at all. They thanked me over and over again when they left, but truly I didn't do anything at all except try to comfort everyone. I hugged Mr. B when the cop drove him home, and I hugged the woman and her mother too. Actually they reached to hug me first.
Both the Toyota and the Buick had to be towed away. There was such a mob scene here! Police, fire trucks, ambulances, two tow trucks, all the neighbors, etc., I coulda, shoulda, had a block party. Missed my big chance. Got a nice chance to visit with the neighbors though. Talked to lots of them while we were waiting for the cops to finish up with the photos, etc.
It's a bright, sunny, beautiful day. I'm glad so many people came to see our lovely cherry tree. Nice.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Tonight Niks and I watched Hotel Rwanda. It's based on a true story about Paul Rusesabagina, who risked his life to save about 1,200 Tutsis and Hutus who would have been killed during the massacre in Rwanda. Using his connections as a four-star hotel manager, he cajoles, bribes and blackmails military and government officials in his efforts to rescue all these people who have ended up in his hotel. Don Cheadle plays Paul and was nominated for an Oscar, as was Sophie Okonedo. They were both very good. Cheadle was terrific.
There's a scene where a cameraman and reporter show TV footage of horrible genocide of Hutus killing Tutsis, just several hundred yards from the hotel. The main character Paul thanks the cameraman for showing the footage to the world. Paul thinks that the world will come to their resue once they see the carnage. Jack, the camera man, cynically responds with this line:
"After they see this, people are gonna say 'my god that's terrible' and then go on eating their dinners."
And of course that's just what we all did. (I'm blogging instead of eating.)
It's a hard movie to watch, and it doesn't even show the bloody stuff. Really hard, because it's all true, and we did nothing to save these people. About one million were killed. Hard to watch, but a wonderfully well-done movie. Great acting.
I haven't blogged for a couple of days because I just got a new toy to play with. It's a shinny new red vacuum cleaner. It has nice features to play with. I really like it.
I need two vacs because I hate carrying the vacuum up and down stairs. But this one is so nice that I'm carrying it up and down anyway, 'cause it's more fun than the old one. I might have to get another one just like it....
The weather has been beautiful. Sunny and warm for days. I've been out to dinner with my craft group peeps, walked outside with my friend Irene each morning, walked along the river yesterday with Niks, things such as that. Nothing exciting, but just nice.
Yesterday Niks and I watched Legally Blond, because he brought it home from the library last week. He is not a well person. But I sort of enjoyed it. Legally Blond Two stinks, but the first one is kinda cute, in a totally stupid way.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Finally did our Federal Income Tax Return last night, and wrote a BIG FAT check to the IRS, and mailed it off. State taxes were easy. Filed by phone, gave them our checking account numbers in order to pay, and got a confirmation number from them, and we're done. I have no idea why I put off filing. No good reason, that's for sure. I don't like paying them early, but I could do the taxes, and not mail and pay until the last minute. We owed a lot this year.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Weekend update: Saturday was beautiful. Niks and I went to the church to put yard sale inserts into the order of service, and to pick up the clothing that had been donated for the women who are living in the halfway house the church has "adopted." Boy! A lot of clothing and also household goods were there. Our bigger car was loaded -- the trunk and the back seat were full.
It is unbelievable, but women are released from prison with just the clothes on their backs. No bra or real shoes unless they have been sent those things by friends or family. They have only the underpants that they have on their backside at the time. Most of these women don't have someone who cares enough about them to help. Sometimes that's for a good reason: they have used and disappointed their peeps over and over again. Still, we have to give them another chance. When we took the stuff to the halfway house, one woman who helped carry it inside was in prison sandals. She also had no bra, and trust me, for her a bra is NOT a luxury. She is very heavy. I'm raising money at church for underwear for the new releases, and have gotten about $150 so far. We were able to let the latest parolee shop for underwear recently, and have enough for the next few who will be released from jail soon.
After that, the SO and I went to lunch, and then home for a brief nap. In the evening we went to the Jazz Fest at the school. It was very enjoyable. Both Kiddie A and B had solos. I love it. They were good, and also looked pretty. We enjoyed visiting with dddragon too.
Sunday was another lovely day. I taught church school at the early service. Niks went to his book group in the evening and I caught up on paper work.
This morning I walked with my friend as usual. These days we are walking outside. Heaven. Looks as if it will be yet another beautiful day, although cool.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
On Friday Niks and I started up the river route just to see the scenery and to go to some place different for lunch, to explore shops possibly, etc. But there was a big accident ahead of us and we were stuck in a long line of traffic. The scenery was good, but the wait was not. So we turned around and headed south instead.
We ended up in Gettysburg after first stopping for a good lunch along the way. There I bought a few Pez dispensers. We visited Niks parents' graves in G-burg. Then we went into town and walked around. Visited Nivek's memorial brick, as we always do. Went into several antique shops and just generally enjoyed the beautiful weather. Then we drove to B-ville and went past Grandma's old house, and so on. It was a nice day for us.
On the way home, we stopped for ice cream. I had a banana split, and Niks had a big dish of black raspberry. I'm talkin' real ice cream, not the soft stuff.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Serena's people are away having fun. Poor baby. She's left behind.
Last time they were away, I taught her to demand better quality food. eh, eh, eh. Any grand cat of mine deserves the very best. This time, I'm going to teach her about beer. By the time her people get back, she'll know about the best beer, and be willing to settle for only the very best. I wonder if I should tell her about wine. They store wine in the basement very close to one of her areas. She probably wonders about those bottles...
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Does it get any better than this? Beautiful, sunny, warm...close to HOT day. It's in the 80's, but fortunately I walked from 8 AM to 9 AM before it was so hot.
Around 11 AM, an old friend from work called. She used to work for me until I retired, and now she has retired. She asked me to lunch, so I met her at Panara Bread and we had a nice leisurely lunch and visit. We've kept up for the three years that I've been retired.
Just a very nice day.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Betty Davis was once pretty! Betty Davis was once young! Betty Davis could actually act! Who knew? I always thought she was a joke.
The Turner Classic Movie (TMC) channel has been showing Betty Davis movies all day. And Niks has been watching them all day... ALL DAY. (No commercials) Fortunately for me I was volunteering at the Food Pantry half the day. But this afternoon I got caught up in one of her old movies, All This And Heaven Too, with Charles Boyer. It was pretty darn good. I couldn't stop watching it. It holds up fairly well, since it's a time-piece anyway. Well, yes, it's corny, but still good. June Lockhart is in it as a teenager.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Yesterday was a very busy day. We went to church, then to lunch with the other old folks. Had to gulp down my food because the service was slow. Then we raced back to church to help set up for the Reproductive Rights Service at 2 PM. The service was excellent, but was very poorly attended. Saw Wanda for the first time in a long while. She looks the same and her mind is clear. By the time we cleaned up after the reception and drove home, it was 4:30 PM.
Then Sunday night we were back at church for our 7 PM COUCH group (small group community). It's an interesting hodge-podge of folks -8 total when we're all there. Last night there were 6 of us. We talked about atheism. Good discussion. Turns out we're all either atheists or close to it.
This morning I went to the low-income senior center where I help teach crafts. The craft was a big success as usual. They are very appreciative for our volunteering there. They were all proud of what they made, and were going up and down the hall showing off what they had made. For the first time, we had several men drop in and make crafts. I never want to drag myself over there, but always feel great after I've done it.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. (Some of us are. Some of us just do the puzzle...no reading.)
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents once ran the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all for which they stand. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped-minority-feminist-atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground. I'm not so sure he can read.)
Friday, April 01, 2005
dddragon found a really good bumper sticker site. The best ones are against the religious right, the war, and George W. He's such a whore. The site is http://www.evolvefish.com/
Sometimes I forget just how much I dislike W., then he opens his mouth. Ugh.
Nothing special here today. dddragon came over and helped me move the old coffee table to the basement. Thanks! Aral and Me Wonder Woman will take it eventually. Anyone who wants stuff should shop in my basement. It's full of pretty-good stuff. I'm downsizing. Translation: gonna get some new stuff.